Scared of being intimate with my husband?

Question

Hello,
I have been married to a wonderful man for almost 9 months. I am almost 30 and he is in hid mid-30s, and believe it or not, we are both still virgins.
We've fooled around some, but for some reason, I cannot bring myself to "give myself over" and relax enough to make love with him. Also, he has no idea what to do...so we are both like fumbling teenagers!
My husband wants us to get pregnant this year, but I am also scared of going through the physical trauma of childbirth (but we won't get that far anyway if we aren't together physically!). I would love to be a mother (in my heart of hearts, I'd love to adopt), but I'd also like to be a normal woman with a healthy libido. I know I have suffered anxiety and depression in the past, which I think affects things (I'm not on any medication)--it's like I just "freeze" and can't relax enough. Though we love each other, my lack of interest in sex is a barrier between us. My husband is always in the mood, but I never am. What can we do?

Answer 1

The first thing you do is ensure that 9 months doesn't turn into 9 years (believe me, it can!).

You get into it. Dig inside to find out why you feel this way. It could be totally benign (example: you are putting so much pressure on yourself to perform that you're to stressed to enjoy it) or totally severe (abuse in your past that is hampering your ability to enjoy a healthy sex life now), but something is going on that if you have the will to tackle it, you can overcome it.

You definately need to communicate with your husband, because I can guarantee he's doing one of two things; blaming himself, or developing bitterness towards you. Either way, you're setting him up for an affair. I'm going to assume that you two are Christians or of some religious faith to both be virgins going into your wedding (which I commend, by the way), but don't kid yourself...he can fall into a trap with someone else if he sees no hope of physical union with you. It may be next month or next decade, but if you two don't consummate things, it's going to happen.

Big warning sign that things are going south quickly: if he quits coming onto you, whether he's giving up or being merciful because he knows what you're dealing with. The WORST thing you can do is give up with him, assuming you 2 can have a healthy marriage without sex....it ain't happenin'.

If you truly love your husband, you will go to counseling, dig in to this, whatever you've got to do. In fact, some marital counseling would be good too, so you 2 can understand that since you're married, it's not one person's problem, it's your problem to face and conquer together.

I'm not saying it will be easy. It could be the hardest thing you do. But you've got to try, because honestly, you would be better off ending your marriage than having a sexless one. I'm rooting for you 2 to work this out, but this is truly that problematic, that you're better off not being married if you can't or aren't going to try.

Answer 2

First: congratulations on your marriage. You are in the "honeymoon" stage, and this is the learning curve of your marriage. It sounds like you are terrified of sex, and you need to figure out why? Were you taught that sex was dirty or wrong? Have you dealt with a history of abuse (and please remember: even if there is no penetration, abuse can still occur)? Have you talked to your husband about your fears and concerns? Sex, in today's society, has sadly been cheapened. It is a special experience, and can be very beautiful. On the other hand, it is also very awkward! You may want to talk to your doctor; don't be embarrassed--your doctor has heard many things, and being a virgin is not bad. Also, invest in some books that may help: the Kama Sutra was written centuries ago, and still is useful. The Joy of Sex is also a wonderful book, that can help you connect with your husband on many sexual levels. Most importantly, do these things TOGETHER. I think you may have had a bad experience sexually; please know that it can be a wonderful experience with someone you love. Also, take the exploration slowly and gently, so both of you can learn what you enjoy and what you might want to avoid. Good luck and God bless.

Answer 3

Foreplay is your friend, it's the easiest thing to try and get you in the mood. He should try and be more romantic than passionate when trying it maybe if he isn't already. Also there is nothing wrong with adopting a child, don't think down on that if you don't want children from you it's o.k. Also you may want to think about a marriage counselor to see what they have to say, I know it's usually when something is wrong in the marriage, but they can also help with this as well. But most importantly you both need to talk about it and do research together to find out the best way for the both of you.

Answer 4

Some of the answers above are reasonable.
I just want to chip in and say don't feel bad, you're not alone. :)
And I'm also happy for you, that you've found a man who loves you and is patient enough to not make you feel bad or push you.
And dont interpret peoples advice, to mean that "there is something wrong with you"-- there isn't necessarily.
We are all different, and esp. if you've been a virgin all this time, you've maybe just not developed any taste or need for sex, really...
I'm 24 and a virgin- I don't plan on marrying anytime soon. Nothing before marriage for me, either. To each of us our own... this culture just places a value on sex before love too often- intimacy is achieved in SO many ways, non-physical as well as physical-- sex is just a hype that men make up to still be able to push women around, in our 'liberated' culture.
...oey vey... But I also find reassurance in your story. Thanx... :)


OH I forgot to suggest this:
Try taking SourceNaturals Maca root, 750mg, up to 6-10 pills before bedtime- it is a natural hormone and mod enhancer, relaxer, and a potent aphrodisiac. It may grealty help you to calm down, be happier, warmer, more 'ready' physically and emotionally.
At least it totally works on me- I take it because it feels so good ;) Now, I dont know how your body will respond to it; everyone is differnt. But its definitely worth trying for the benefits! You can find out more about Maca root (its vegetable derived) online and be sure to buy sourcenaturals-- I am not paid to endorse it, I am just telling you what has worked wonders in my own experience-- maybe it'll work for you, too. :)

Answer 5

You may need to talk to a doc. You could have a hormone imbalance..
In the mean time stop thinking about the act of sex and enjoy getting to know each other... Take your time don't just try and jump in.....
The fumbling part is the part you can laugh at....it doesn't have to be all serious laugh and you may find that he is laughing with you...
I wouldn't have kids just yet if I was you... enjoy being married... enjoy getting to know each other....I love my boys but I also loved the years that I got to spend getting to know my husband.. One day the kids will leave the home and I would like to no that it wouldn't be the first time that we are left by our selves...
I wish the both of you the best....

Answer 6

I wish I could give you that answer that you are looking for but I cant my wife and I have been going through this very same issue now for over a year. The best thing I can tell you is what I tell my wife do something for yourself go to the spa get a massage pedicure manicure get a babysitter for the kids and go out for a nice dinner maybe even get a hotel room for the night...Find a hobby but do not loose commutation with your husband and don't make the mistake of taking your anger out on him all the time or ignoring him that just adds to the issue..I tell you from experience.

Answer 7

Do you have a lack of interest in sex, or are you too afraid of opening up to each other. You have to be relax rd enough with your partner in order for anything to happen. My drive and love for my husband would make me throw caution to the wind and go for the gusto. Maybe you should try some counseling and relaxation techniques to help the situation.

Answer 8

see a doctor failing that a counseller u shouldnt b that nervous if u love each other and once u let go and allow your husband to take the lead it will only get better with practice and u will wonder what the fuss was about tell him how u feel and make him realise he has to give u a little more time

Answer 9

I think the best thing to do is to just continue to talk openly with him about all of this. Respect his thoughts and feelings and ask him to respect you in turn. Just talk together and maybe you can work this out. The only other option is to go see a professional or just get drunk one night and go for it.

Answer 10

Lady your issues are too important to put up here on Yahoo.

You stay here and your issues will continue. Then you ask us "What can we do?"

Get help from a professional as soon as possible. If you don't your husband will not be around for long. I'm shocked he's stayed around for 9 months!