How can I overcome the fear of being a stepmom, and trying to be a good one.?

Question

I'VE BEEN MARRIED FOR OVER FIVE YEARS, WE SHARE A 7-YR OLD HOWEVER MY HUSBAND HAS TWO OTHER CHILDREN FROM HIS PREVIOUS MARRIAGE, AND HIS SON 13 YR OLD JUST RECENTLY MOVED IN, BUT I'M HAVING A HARD TIME ACCEPTING HIM, HE CAUSED SOME TROUBLE WITH HIS MOTHER AND THAT'S WHY HE'S HERE WITH US BECAUSE SHE CHOOSES NOT TO DEAL WITH IT. MY HUSBAND IS HAPPY HAVING BOTH HIS SONS, BUT I'M NOT, I GET AFTER HIM, MY HUSBAND THINKS I'M BEING MEAN TO MY STEP SON. I'M HAVING A DIFFICULT TIME ADJUSTING TO THE BIG CHANGE, IT WAS ALWAYS ME AND MY LITTLE BOY, THINGS JUST CHANGED SO QUICKLY AND I'M, OVERWHELMED WITH THE SITUATION, I FIND MYSELF DRIFTING AWAY FROM MY HUSBAND BECAUSE I'M SCARED OF BEING THE STEPMOM.

Answer 1

If you- a grown woman with her own house, a husband and a child-- feel overwhelmed, imagine how a 13 year old boy feels, a boy who has a mother who doesn't care, a dad who's busy with his NEW and IMPROVED son, and a woman who thinks having him around is "hard".
You're the adult- You're the parent. You chose a man with other children> Sorry- grow up and deal with it- the 13 year old needs parents and the adults in his life have failed him miserably.

Answer 2

Step children are a very difficult and touchy area. First, you need to sit down and discuss rules and discipline. You should both come to agree with all rules and requirements of the child. You should not be the one to discipline the child. Unfortunate, but it’s not your child and the father should be the one to discipline. If you attempt to, then problems will arise. Like you’ve mentioned, the father will become angry or the child will become rebellious. If the agreed upon rules are not followed, then talk to your husband and the both of you come up with the proper punishment if any.
It is a difficult situation and I feel for you, but it is important to maintain that strong bond with your husband. If you don’t, problems will arise and the child will use the two of you against one another.
Communicate, express your feelings, but step back and let the father handle the hard part.
I wish you the best.

Answer 3

I know how you feel even though we dont have custody of my stepsons. We have them every other weekend and it is so hard to be fair. You should be grateful to have control with him in your house because it is much harder when you arent the one raising him fulltime. Be good and fair to him and treat him like your own. It will be hard but we have done this since the very beginning (we have 5 boys together - two each and one together). They are all our boys and you need to think the same way. Imagine if your son was in the same situation and had a step-mom... treat his son the way you would want yours to be treated. You need to be honest with your husband and come up with a solution together. Counseling is definitely a good start (even for just your stepson to help him with what he went through with his mother). Good luck!

Answer 4

Family counseling is in order. My step son moved in with us under very similar circumstances. He's lived with us for 7 years and will be moving out in June. The first five years were hell because my husband didn't really know how to handle him. We went to counseling and in 3 short sessions I learned that it is my husbands job to discipline.
I've learned to choose my battles.
I know it's difficult and quite honestly, I don't know if I'd do it again. It almost broke up our marriage. But since the counseling and my mellowing, things have gotten better. Decide what is worth fighting for. Make you husband stand up and be a father to his son. Good luck!

Answer 5

I commend you for asking this question. I find the "step mom" thing to be very unpleasant. I can understand how you feel it is not ideal to suddenly have this full time position. It seems to me like your whole world has changed and I wonder were you included in this decision or did your husband decide. I know you are looking for answers: Don't try to be his mom and make it clear to him that you are not trying to be: it's common for them to say things like,"Your not my mother," when clearly you have no desire to be anyway. Talk to your husband and lay down some ground rules things that are important to you and let his son know that his dad will enforce what you say: it only works if he actually does.

Answer 6

This may sound "flip" but it isn't. Instead of being a Stepmom, be an adult, a woman willing to care for and take a real interest in a vulnerable young person. Instead of getting caught up in the "role" aspect, be a person. I wish I could ariticulate this better.

Answer 7

First thing: Don't push your self on to him. Or let your husband. Let him warm up to you. 13 is a teenager.. they are moody distant and working out life stuff. The best advice I got for my teenager was teenagers are like toddlers... toddlers went from total depending to a little Independence; where teenagers are learning independence. School, peer-pressure are real and draining. Some times they blow off stream and don't take it personal....... Secondly they have tons of friends they NEED a parent.........

Now you and your husband need a talk face to face and set rules. Like the ones you have for the 7 year old. And what to do if he crosses the line.......... If he stays out to late, he loses the week-end to go out...Because your 7 year old will look up to him and if he get away with doing whatever he wants because hubby is afraid of losing him, your 7 year old will try it too.....
At first it will not be pretty, cause you said cause his mother didn't want to deal with it, he will try to get away with as much as he can. he is used to that. But stand together as one front with dealing with misbehavior and help him learn to act as a well behaved adult.......... Oh yea teenager need that big boy attention like when they where little and we told them what a big boy... Hey great job or thanks for helping out goes long way with teenagers!
and helping them figure out problems themselves...... boost their self esteem.

Answer 8

There are step parenting websites you can join, chat, and get advice from other step parents. Try Step Parenting Association of America. I agree with the earlier posts though.....imagine how that little boy feels! And get counseling for all of you fast!

Answer 9

i think that you really need to talk to your husband on your feelings tell him that you are feeling scared, you need his understanding and support on this one of course its hard to accept other partners children and at his age as well they are so naughty. Think they can talk back to you, dont have to listen to you. But really talk to your husband on this one.

Answer 10

being a stepmom should be no different then being a regular mom, in any case, its still a mom