What in terms of forgiveness is the difference between one night stand and an affair that lasts several month

Question

Isn't cheating one night just as bad as cheating over a period of several months? What would be the difference to you if your spouse cheated for one night or had an affair? Sorry if this is a stupid question, I just wanted to get everyones input. My husband had an affair and sometimes I wonder if I would hurt any less if it had been just a one night stand. He slept with this tramp 5-10 times over about 8-9 months he was out of state working. We are in the process of working everything out, and he is very sorry. I am sorry but I do not believe once a cheat, always a cheat. I believe he deserves a second chance. Its hard to throw away 13 yrs together. He had to go to the gulf coast after Katrina and that is why he was away and me and my son were not able to go with him. We have since renewed our vows and things are GREAT.......most days. I still have tough times, but everyone says this is normal, and it helps that he has been so supportive and patient with me.

Some may ask why I stayed...well I love him and he may have had a lapse in judgment and broken his vows, but I am determined nt to break mine. I am here for better or worse. Lucky for him. But if it EVER happens again...I will pull a Bobbit!

Answer 1

Your husband is a VERY lucky man to have your forgiveness and support, and good for you for being tough enough to stick it out and work things out. I, like you, have decided that my wife means far more to me than my pride over a lapse in judgement and a lack of communication. I don't know if a one night stand would be easier to cope with or not. Cheating is cheating, but that's just my opinion. Hang in there, honey! Keep fighting the good fight. I'll send you all the good vibes and karma that I can.

Answer 2

I'm not sure about the difference in the forgiving of an affair or a one night stand. My husband had a 3 yr affair and we like you are working things out. He also slept with a tramp(in my eyes anyway) as she knew he was married. My husband like yours was very sorry and full of remorse. I am a great believer of giving everyone a second chance, we are human, we make mistakes. We separated briefly when l found out and then realised that our love was strong enough to get us through this, that was 10 months ago but seems like an eternity away most days.We have been married 30 yrs, during that time have had many ups and downs but l can honestly say this has been our worst ever. I believe he desrves my forgiveness but the forgetting is really hard, not sure l ever will. I like you have good and bad days and hope they will pass with lots of time and love. Things with us are really good at the moment also and l honestly hope they stay that way. The trust factor is a real bummer but l am working on that. When people asked me why l stayed, l just explained that l love him with all my heart and want to put it behind us, he made a terrible mistake and l know in my heart that he will never do it again. I do not believe in "once a cheater, always a cheater" and it's such a shame because so many people do. Hope this has helped, email me if you want to discuss this further. Good luck to you both for a bright and happy future together.

Answer 3

Cheating over a long period of time symbolizes an emotional relationship with another person. So not only did the person cheat physically, but emotionally as well and that hurts even more. Thats why its worse.

A ONE NIGHT STAND is physically cheating on someone. There is usually, no emotion involved. Its just LUST for another.

Its ok for you to NOT believe once a cheat, always a cheat, and SOMETIMES people DO change...but it is NOT often, and usually with regret to the other party. Find out if he has ever cheated in his past when he was in a different relationship. Because, often cheating is a personality trait and DOESNT go away, hence the saying. If he has cheated on other partners... it is VERY unlikely that he wont cheat again. For your sake, I hope he doesnt... Its painful when someone you have trust in, give you a reason not to trust them.

Answer 4

Yes, I believe that a one night stand is less of a violation than an ongoing affair. The issue here is trust and it is violated either way, but an ongoing affair has the potential to hurt much more. If my spouse had a one night stand that wasn't with the neighbor, one of my co-workers, or a relative and they engaged in safe sex, I would rather not know. Unfortunately, it is very true that men can easily separate the physical from being in love. He may have always loved you, or he could be a total jerk. It's impossible to know from the e-mail. If your husband has sincerely apologized and you believe that he loves you then give your marriage another chance. Since he is recommitted now, he has to work on behaving in a way that lives up to that commitment. If you reach the point when you don't believe it will work, they don't prolong the inevitable. Trust your gut.

Answer 5

There is no difference...not to me. A one night stand is the same as just a kiss or cheating over a long period of time. But i am with u I also do not believe once a cheat always a cheat. Sometimes people just have a burning physical attraction and must satisfy it. And sometimes people KEEP on satisfying it cause they get greedy...He didnt get caught the first time so he kept on and on.... It wouldnt hurt any less trust me because u trusted him and never expected it would happen but just take all that u have in u to trust him again and give him that second chance...he is only human

Answer 6

Ahhhh, you're a wonderful woman and your husband is lucky to have you.

I say there is a difference between a one night stand and an ongoing affair. The ongoing one is worse in some respects because the one shot deal is just poor judgement and it stops there. The other shows premeditation and isn't just an accident that happened. It's not a good thing.

But yes, I think you can survive this and you can re-establish your trust.

You are right in trying to preserve a 13 year union. I wouldn't toss that out either. I'd be pissed though.

There is a good book that might be helpful to you. It is called, "Forgive for Good" by Dr. Fred Luskin. It is right along the lines of your thinking.

I think you are doing the right thing. Take care.

Answer 7

I would be more understanding towards the one-night stand. To me, it would represent more of the bad judgement, and less of the conscious choice (even though, both of these ingredients are present in both scenarios). Everyone slips sometimes, and does and says things they shouldn't have. I just went through this feeling not so long ago when I was arguing with my mom, and in the heat of the moment blurted out something that I immediately regretted, even as it was leaving my lips; that sinking feeling of "I know I shouldn't be doing this" is familiar to everyone, I think.

But to *keep* engaging in a certain behavior repeatedly is a different story to me. It's more of a lifestyle choice, the general "way" of handling things. If any time you ask someone to help with the dishes they call you names and slam the door on you, this is not a "mistake", it's a deliberate pattern of action on their part. I can totally understand where you're coming from, and I tend to feel the same way as you do. Not all offenses are created equal.

I think, infidelity must be one of the most difficult things to overcome in a relationship. I don't have experience with it, I never stayed with a person who was unfaithful, so I don't know how to "get over" it, or if you ever do. The only way I knew to get over it was to get over the person who committed it. But this isn't to say that there is no other way. Good luck.

Answer 8

Well I applaud you. I do. I dont know that I could stay.

But to answer your question, I would be able to forgive a one night stand a hell of a lot easier than a continual relaspe in judgement. I mean, the GUILT should have been enormous the first time he did it so as not to do it again....since they did do it again that tells me that he became emotionally attached to this whore and thats what would eat me alive. That he FELT SOMETHING FOR HER!! OMG, its killing me know just to think of it!

So yes....give me the one night stand with the drunk barmaid over a 9 month affair any day. At least in the one nighter there are no true feelings involved. Just think of allthe long talks these two had that by rights should have been with you!!!!

Answer 9

I have always said I could easily forgive a one night stand but never an affair. Reason being, guys seem very capable of separating sex from love, and that 1 nighter was just random sex. When he says she meant nothing, he's serious. She meant about as much to him as his hand does. I can overlook that.

An affair, however, is a total betrayal. You say you love me, but you're telling her the same thing. I'd be wondering, does he lie to her and tell her how I "don't understand" him or how I withhold sex when I don't. Does she tell him to leave me for her and he pretends he'll consider it? You know the BS guys tell women when they're cheating.

Answer 10

You husband may have learned his lesson. The fact that he's being patient with you shows he is acknowledging his screw up.
I think a one night stand would be easier to handle because there wasn't time to make an emotional connection. On the other hand, maybe she was just a piece of @ss that was convenient and there wasn't any emotional attachments.
If your husband continues to be patient and truly understands that you must heal at your own pace (perhaps years) he's probably remorseful.
If you think there's a chance at happiness, go for it.