soon to be stepmom(engaged) needs advice on spoiled 8yr old stepson "joe"?

Question

joe is my bf's son from his 1st marrage.the problem is joe wants consent one on one attention from my bf when he comes to our house,he even has to sleep with joe.joe is fine if he has a freind over to play with but if its just us he makes his dad feel guilty for spending any time with me.his dad can spend 9 hrs straight playing with him(which he does all the time) and then want to sit and talk to me for 15 mins and his son has a fit.he says things like "its my day to be with you i don't like this" i understand this is their "special time" but joe gets to be with dad every other day and weekend and 90% of the time he has his dads full attention. i also join in on games too.i believe the problem in part maybe my bf's exwife.she is very bitter and resentful of the divorce(even after 7yrs,he )and talks badly infront of joe about us.also she consently throws in my bfs face how he abandoned his family.my bf being a good dad feels guilty and gives into joes every wish thus spoiling joe badly.

i don't think its about the divorce. my bf's been divorced since joe was a baby.he does not remember them together he only knows them as it is know plus i came into joe life 7 mons after he left his wife so joe has known me since he was around 18 mons

Answer 1

give him whatever he wants

Answer 2

Joe is 8 years old and speaks and comprehends, I say it is time to sit Joe down and have an adult conversation with him let him know it is not his special day with his dad but his special day with the both of you and that it makes you feel bad that he gives his dad all the attention and barley any to you in other words use a little bit of reverse psychology on ole Joe ... make him think he is in control and then be his step mom. also you need to talk to Joe's Dad he allows this behavior and that is not good. I understand that the real mom may have some control over your situation but children understand that they are allowed to act one way at one house and another way at another house sooo... you need to set the rules for your house and be consistent. If you have been around Joe since he was just a Baby you should already have these things established.

Answer 3

First, "Joe" sounds like a pain in the @$$. Do not marry this man until you work this out. This is a disaster waiting to happen. And if you force the man to pick between you and his son, he's either going to pick you and then have second thoughts or he is going to tell you to go to hell. Either way, you'll get told off eventually.

Children can really be annoying. You must accept this. You don't sound like a kid person. I'm not sure you understand children but I could be wrong. This kid though, is essentially a built in problem that you and your b/f are going to start out with.

The other problem is that your b/f doesn't sound like he sets limits very well with his child. Any of my children at that age would have let me do whatever I wanted and would not have bothered me. But then I expected it of them. Children these days are brats. I love my kids but to be honest with you, I really dislike other people's kids. You must consider this before you marry this man. I know couples who split up for this very reason.

You really need to sit down and look at what you're willing to accept. And if this ain't it then you need to take a second look at whether you want to marry this man. There is nothing you are going to do that is going to make this situation any better. It is what it is and I think you're stuck with it. You have some choices to make.

Good luck. Sorry I can't be more encouraging.

Answer 4

Obviously the Mom is still bitter over the divorce. Unfortunately this child is being traumatized by his mother's comments and attitude. She's brain washed this child into thinking that his Dad abandoned him. If I were Joe I'd take her back to court for doing that and ask for physical custody with Mom having supervised visitations. He should ask that Joe get phsychological counseling to try and undo the damage before Joe get's any older. It will only get worse if you two don't take care of the problem right away. Hey...call Dr. Phil!

Answer 5

you knew this when you entered the relationship that he had a son right? well this is the price you pay when you are seeing someone that has kids . But you are right he probably does feel guilty about leaving his son . But your b/f has to draw the line somewhere with his son . You need to sit down and talk to him about how this makes you feel that he is not giving you enough attention and your relationship is suffering because of it . Joe jr needs to grow up and realize dad does not belong to him 100% and yes it is possible that his ex-wife is causing some of the tension . Your b/f needs to have a talk with her too and ask her to ease up on the name calling . well good luck and I hope I helped.

Answer 6

You're boyfriend comes with "baggage" either you learn to tolerate that "baggage" or you will be better off moving on. The one "spoiling" joe is your boyfriend so stop blaming the boy's mother. Your boyfriend has CHOSEN to feel guilty, so he brings it all upon himself. Stop blaming the child for his father's actions, his father is the adult not Joe. Joe is an eight year old child and as long as Joe is around (alive) your boyfriend will be his father and have contact with joe's mother. That's simply the way it goes when you get involved with a man who has children from a previous relationship. Either you learn to deal with it as it is or move on.

Answer 7

sounds like the problem is with the father,not the child. all children will test their boundries to get what they want. joe has the advantage of having a father who has a guilty conscience. dad needs to realize that he is not doing joe any favors by giving in to him. when he gets out into the world, it will not cater to him like dad,and he will act out in the same manner when he doesnt get his way. but the results wont be the same! dad must set boundries and be willing to stick with them.joe will eventually get the hint that he is not always the center of the universe. best wishes

Answer 8

perchance attempt putting him in some variety of activites like karate or baseball or something and notice how that works. Or attempt asking your bf in case you could desire to spend the day with joe and take him to the park or to get some ice cream or something yet do not supply in. he's have been given to learn that your going to be there for an fairly long term and there is not something he can do approximately that. Now if he spends extra time together with his mom and he or she runs her mouth badly approximately the two one among then you definately it is the place the priority all started from, communicate to your bf and get him to make his ex spouse understand that telling joe issues are purely going to make his existence extra complicated as he gets older and that i supply you props for putting up with all of that. i know by very own journey because of the fact my fiance has a 10 3 hundred and sixty 5 days previous daughter and on the start she replace into the main important spoiled brat i might ever met continuously needed to be up in our buisness telling everybody that she replace into going to get rid of me some how yet I broke her of that, i all started spending time along with her and each and each time she threw a extra healthful I despatched her to her room and he or she does not get each and every thing her way from now on because of the fact I positioned my foot down approximately it. that's purely been 4 months and he or she nonetheless has her moments each and every now and lower back yet she is conscious that i would be right here no count number what for something of our lives. She respects me so lots extra now!! terrific of success TOO YOU!!!!!

Answer 9

Sit your man down and tell him whats on your mind.He needs to be aware that this is getting out of hand.I hope that you and your bf can find a solution that will work out.best of luck