I haven't slept with my husband since November...?

Question

We're both almost 21 and have a 10 1/2 month old daughter. We just got married June 13th '06 when he joined the army, he left for basic training in July. He got back from his training in October, and then in November we moved from Iowa to Washington state. The move was really stressful for both of us, but he has a bad anger problem and took everything out on me. After all of that, I have not been able to be intimate with him or affectionate and just seem to go about my day to day tasks of taking care of the family. He still has an anger problem, and binge drinks on the weekends and acts like a jerk. He can be really nice sometimes though, but I just can't bring myself to show him a whole lot of physical affection. He is deploying April 15th and I think that has something to do with it too. What should I do? Should I just give in and do it and maybe I will feel better about being intimate with him again? Could him not having sex be making him kind of a jerk sometimes?

Just some extra info after reading a few answers:
He refuses to go to counseling. And I tell him how I feel about the way he acts and the things he does and how it affects me, but that doesn't seem to do anything. He has impulse control problems and he can be really selfish.

Answer 1

Sight: Subdued lighting such as candlelight works great. If you want to create a different mood for your romantic encounter, try changing the lighting by using colored light bulbs. If you want to try something out of this world, try making love under a black-light while wearing only white. Finally, if you want to try something fun and surreal, try making love with a strobe light in the room.

Sound: Turn off the phone. Put on some nice, soft, romantic music. Talk to your partner. Tell them how much you love them. It’s also ok to moan and groan, too, and let your partner know how much you are enjoying them. You can also try talking dirty, if the two of you are into that.

Touch: Rub your hands all over your partner’s body. Use different textured items, too. To heighten your partner’s sense of touch, try blindfolding them and having them wear earplugs. Oftentimes, when you take one or more senses away, the remaining senses will be heightened.

Taste: Flavored lube or other flavored goodies like chocolate or whipped cream are great for involving your partner’s sense of taste.

Smell: Scented candles or cologne/perfume will give the room a romantic aroma.

A highly effective lover understands what true romance is, knows how to create ambience, is a creative romantic who invests time and energy wisely, and has taken the time to develop the soft, sensual, romantic sides of their minds and personalities.

Become a Master of Anticipation and Desire
Anticipation is a very powerful sexual tool - one of the most powerful, in fact. Learn to harness it. Use it to your advantage. Anticipation creates desire in your partner.

Let me demonstrate how anticipation works so you can see how powerful it can be in your sex life.

Abandoned Panties Idea:
Wanna drive us wild, ladies? When you are out with your man, say at a restaurant or the movies, go to the restroom and remove your panties. When you get back, hand them to your man and whisper that you want him. Don’t do this during a good movie, though. Chances are, you won’t be around to watch much more after you do this. This will create a huge amount of anticipation and desire in your man.

Teasing Touch Idea:
Touch your lover in the kitchen when you have friends over in the other room and they can’t do anything about it right away. Create anticipation and desire by touching their genitals through their clothing, whispering something naughty in their ear, and then walking back into the other room with your friends. See how long it takes for your lover to throw your friends out.

Touch, Tell, Tease Technique:
Place the tip of your lubed index finger near her vaginal opening. Now, move it straight up near her clit, but don’t touch her clit, then bring it back down near her opening. Repeat this many times. Be sure to tell her that you know you aren’t touching her clit. Say something similar to, “I know I’m not touching your clit, yet. I’m not ready to touch it yet. When I do touch it, it will feel great, don’t you agree?” By talking to her in this manner, you are forcing her to focus on her clit. Even though you aren’t touching her there yet, she is focusing on it and anticipation and desire will grow tremendously.

Instant Message Tease Idea:
Nowadays, almost everyone has access to a cellular phone, pager, or email. A lot of these phones and pagers are capable of handling instant text messages. Send your lover a series of 5-10 messages telling them how much you want them. Wait 15 minutes or so between messages. This will create anticipation and desire. Always end each message leaving them wanting more. Anticipation is a powerful tool. Here is an example of the first few messages you could leave. Use your imagination for the remaining messages and be careful to send the messages during a time when they will not inconvenience your partner (during an important business meeting, etc…).

MESSAGE 1:
“My hands are on your face to kiss you. My hands travel along your neck, shoulders, arms, and waist. I pull you close to me, kissing... (more later).”

MESSAGE 2:
“Still kissing you, I slowly lower myself to my knees, kissing your lips, chin, neck, chest, and stomach. My hands are on your butt. Now, on my knees, I begin to undo your pants…(more later)”

A highly effective lover is a master of anticipation and understands how to effective use it to create desire in their partner.

Develop Strong Passion
A great secret to fantastic sex is strong passion. You could have a book written by the world’s best lover and follow it to the letter, but if you go about your lovemaking in a clinical way, it will be a huge disaster because of lack of fire, or passion. Let your passion lead you. Fantastic sex is more than just touching a certain spot. It’s a frame of mind. Trust your instincts and follow your passion.

Those who restrain passion, do so because theirs is weak enough to be restrained.

A highly effective lover makes love with a passionate fire.

Practice, Practice, Practice
To ensure that your sex life flourishes, immerse yourself in the characteristics above and be persistent and consistent in applying them to your sex life.

A highly effective lover understands the importance of being persistent and consistent and knows that practice makes perfect.

Answer 2

The way it sounds, your marriage is heading down the D path if you two don't straighten up and communicate. Have you asked your husband why is he upset? Have you all sit down (without arguing) and find out what is happening to the marriage? If not, it's time and long overdue. This is not a good sign that the marriage will last. Since he does not want counseling (which he needs for his anger and drinking) then I suggest you tell him that the marriage will not work. It takes two people to work on a marriage and he is displaying signs that he doesn't want it to work. Talk to him 1st and tell him how important he is in your life as well as the baby's life. Let him know that you want him to be a better father and husband and what he is doing is putting a stain on the marriage and family. Sex and intimacy is important in a marriage so I suggest that you make the 1 st move sometimes. Not justifying his behavior, but he may feel as though you don't want to because of whatever reason. He needs help, professional help and until he is ready to handle his issues, it is little you can do. Good Luck.

Answer 3

There is probably a great deal of stress working against both of you here. The thought of deployment is scary to say the least. And as you said, moving is stressfull even in the best of circumstances. I think everyone turns into a jerk when they are moving. I completely understand holding back your affection... when you are in that state of mind. Who could possibly be in the mood when you are that hurt? Yes, I do think that not getting sex contributes to his nasty attitude as sex is a real stress releiver. But that doesn't mean that you should give it up to him either just to get him being so nasty to you either.
What you should do is this: find a babysitter for a night before he leaves. Make a nice meal for him and have the house all cleaned up before he gets home. When he gets home, you need to have a talk with him about the way he has been behaving towards you lately and how that makes you feel. Let him know that you are his wife and the mother of his child and that you love him very much, but you will not put up with this kind of behavior any longer. Follow that with the fact that you know he is stressed out and you understand why he is stressed. Then you let him know that he is not in this alone. Let him know that you both have been stressed out and you don't want him to leave under these circumstances. Again remind him how much you love him. Allow him to talk but make sure you get all those points across. As far as the drinking, let him know that drinking isn't going to make his responsibilities go away. It is only making things worse for both of you. Don't back down on any of this. I'm sure he is a decent guy, you wouldn't have married him and have his child if he weren't. Stand firm on everything you tell him. He will come to his senses. That talk may just end up being the walk to the bedroom that you both need. I do wish you both the best of luck!

Answer 4

I would ask him to go into counseling with you. Since he is in the Army,there's plenty of help available to you BOTH on Post. I would get some help ASAP and even before that. His going to be deployed might have a little to do with it,but that is NOT an excuse to harm you,ok? If all else fails,talk to his Commander about the situation,he will most definately talk to him about this"problem of being a jerk" to you,ok? The Army does NOT take kindly to a Soldier mistreating his Family.

Answer 5

If he has an anger problem sex or the lack of it will not make a difference. Don't have sex unless he earns it by the way he treats you. some of that may be stress he is feeling because of the army and the deployment so try to do things to relieve that stress. I imagine you are at Forth Lewis, so take a trip up to Mt. Ranier, go to Seattle and see Seattle underground, And have dinner at Pier 91 I think it is, Iver's acres of clams. go to Point Defiance Park and do things together and you may be able to rekindle the romance you felt when you were first married.

Answer 6

Try to work it out....there are going to be many seasons in your marriage and you have a little one to work at it for. I see you have mentioned counseling. It is my experience that men are the last to seek counseling. Try not to be accussing about your feelings when you talk to him. Try an evening of intimacy with him. Have dinner, conversation, a date. Not having sex can make a guy an even "more jerk". You don't want him looking else where. I am sorry he has an anger problem.....perhaps your efforts will encourage him to make a move or two in the right direction for the future of all 3 of you.

Answer 7

You definitely control your body so don't have sex until you're ready. Now the issue might be living the military life, I lived it for over 24 years and it's hard being married to the military and make no mistake you are married to the military. This is hard on your husband, you and will be hard on your daughter. Your husband's anger issues need to be addressed and since he won't go to counseling decide if this is the marriage you signed up for. I bet it's not and since you deserve better go to counseling for yourself. I know that military installations have counseling for wives and couples. Just remember that when you go your husband's commander will be notified so you'll have another issue to deal with. The binge drinking and anger issues will only intensify without counseling or intervention for your husband. This is going to be hard for you but get his family involved or his commander. Your husband needs help before he deploys because if he's going to war it will be worse when he returns. Please get help for you and your husband now, your daughter will start to feel the effects of mommy's and daddy's problems. Good luck and remember you deserve to feel good about being intimate with your husband but he needs help.

Answer 8

The army and the deployment do a pretty good job of turning guys into jerks. If you catch him in a good moment you should reward it. If not you may be perpetuating the problem. The army fosters the angry all the time attitude. It is hard to shoot at peole you are not mad at.
Worst case is that he leaves with you with holding favor and learns to feel nothing but contempt for you while deployed.
You should think long and hard about that.

Answer 9

BEING IN THE SERVICE HAS A LOT TO DO WITH HIS ANGER
PROBLEMS AND IT HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU. YOU
JUST HAPPEN TO BE AT THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME. WHAT HE NEEDS IS THERAPY AND HE NEEDS IT NOW. HE WILL PROBABLY BE IN DENIAL, MOST
MEN ARE. IF HE CAN'T EVEN SIT DOWN WITH YOU TO DISCUSS HIS FEELING OR YOUR FEELINGS THEN HE NEEDS PROFESSIONAL HELP. HE AND YOU CAN USE AN
MASSAGE TO RELAX BOTH OF YOU AND MAYBE THIS WILL
RELAX HIM TO FORGET SOME OF HIS ARMY LIFE, JUST
UNTIL HE GETS DEPLOYED, BECAUSE BEING IN THE SERVICE IS HARD FOR ANYONE TO KEEP A CLEAR MIND.
WHAT HE NEEDS IS TIME, BUT HE ALSO NEEDS TO BE
AROUND THE FAMILY SO HE WON'T LOSE HIS MIND. JUST
KEEP TALKING TO HIM AND HOPEFULLY HE OPEN UP TO
YOU AND ALSO LET HIM KNOW HOW MUCH YOU MISS EVEN
THOUGH HE IS JUST ACROSS THE ROOM. TELL HIM YOU
DON'T WANT TO LOSE HIM. JUST KEEP TALKING TO HIM
KEEP THE CONVERSATION GOING WHEN CONVENIENT.
GOOD LUCK.

Answer 10

Why don't you want to do these things? Have you done them in the past. I can see where some women are not interested in giving bj's and that's ok - but not sleeping naked with him? You should do what you can to help him with the depression.

Answer 11

Under all circumstances, don't blow your husband off in the bedroom...this only escalates everything. get some counceling like the one person said here. I put up with my wife doing that for about 8 months, then i suggested she leave. (of course there were other things going on), but...once the sex stops, it's over...how many people stay married with no sex? unless there is a serious medical problem involved? after all, what is the point of a marriage if you aren't getting any?