I had a miscarriage several months agao. I was depressed about it and still am. My spouse told me that the baby was just a glob of mass anyway. What should i do?
2007-01-16 09:38:45 · 15 answers · asked by siobhan33 1 in Pregnancy & Parenting ➔ Pregnancy
It could be that he's just as sad and disappointed as you but is dealing with it in a way that's not emotionally involved...or just downright insensitive. Regardless, you guys need to talk. Miscarriage is difficult and you need support. Tell your partner that it makes you feel sad and hurt (or however it makes you feel) when he says what he says. Ask him if he can help to support you by listening (or whatever it is you need him to do.) If you guys can't communicate sensitively, you might want to reconsider the baby thing in the future. I'm sorry about your miscarriage and hope you start to feel more like yourself soon.
2007-01-16 09:42:58 · answer #1 · answered by shannonscorpio 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Discuss your feelings with your spouse. Explain to him that for you it was already a new life that you envisioned bringing into the world - a combination of you both. Ask him to look past the "purely visual" aspect of what he thinks it may have looked like and to try to better understand the broader sense of loss that you feel. After all, you experienced the whole thing within your body.
Sometimes it's difficult for men to have any sense of attachment. During the early stages, they can't see or feel anything. All they know is what their partner tells them or shows them. My husband is only really getting it now at 37 weeks because the baby kicks him.
Allow yourself to grieve - whether you were 8 weeks or 8 months, it is almost irrelevant to you. Just know though, that this one miscarriage does not predispose you to more miscarriages. I still think of my miscarriage some 10 years later. Time does heal, but don't try to brush things under the carpet just because somebody else is being insensitive to your needs.
2007-01-16 09:51:58 · answer #2 · answered by Collette B 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
*Sigh* Men sometimes just do not seem to get it. You see if a man can not fix a problem they do not know what to do. I had a horrific homebirth transfer (I know that is nothing compared to a miscarriage, but to me it was traumatic). My son is now 10 months old and I still can not read my homebirthing list nor really anything to do with birth. My husband does not understand. I can't even discuss it with other people when he is around, he just tells me to get over it already.
My only advice to you is to accept that your husband may not grieve as much as you, and very much will grieve in his own way. You need to find other people who support you. Consider holding a memorial with your most understanding friends. Contact your local public health nurse or WIC or other government group and try to find a support group. Just to meet some new people so you can feel normal.
On-line groups can also be good. I joined a grief group on Yahoo! Groups when my grandfather was dying while I was pregnant and my grief was so intense that I could not give it voice. But what I could not say I could type.
So in short take care of you and let your husband take care of himself. I would be great if your husband could be your support in this, but it sounds like he, for whatever reason, is not capable of it. That does not make him less of a person or mean that he loves you any less. But you need to find some help for you.
2007-01-16 10:07:01 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I went through a miscarriage 5 years ago and my spouse was never as devestated as I was. The husbands don't feel our preganancies the way we do and don't bond with children in the womb the way the mother does.
Your spouse seems more insensitive than most, but is in no means the minority out there. It can do a world of goos to join a group where you can talk about your experience. It wasn't a blob, it was a fetus on its way to being your child and how you wish to remember your baby is up to you. I found that talking to other women and how they felt actually helped me relate more to my spouse's disconnection to the loss of our child.
It will always hurt but how you go on from here is up to you!
2007-01-16 09:55:37 · answer #4 · answered by jettyspagetti 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Must just be how he deals with it. It is easier for him to see it as a simple blob then see it as a lost child. Just about every woman has a miscarriage so talk about it with someone that has been there. I've had several myself and you need to pick yourself up and move on. You can't change what happened, you can't change how your spouse feels so find a way to get past this.
2007-01-16 09:46:53 · answer #5 · answered by kana121569 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOW...okay. You two need to talk- and fast. Some guys try to "minimize" things by saying stupid things- LIKE THAT!! He may be trying to make it easier on you.....notice I said MAY and TRY. They don't think like us and all too often get it all wrong- ending up in a worse situation. Nonetheless, you need to explain to him that THAT IS NOT WHAT YOU NEED TO HEAR. Find out if he is doing the above....if not, you will likely need to seek counseling. You may never get over it otherwise. It is a tragedy what happened- I believe things happen for a reason but they are gut-wrenching and I am truly sorry for your loss. You need to have a serious talk sooner than later. I hope, though it is sad either way, that your mate is merely trying to sooth you- otherwise you have to face the fact that you have very different feelings about a very critical situation. Good luck!
2007-01-16 09:55:51 · answer #6 · answered by Donna S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That's probably his way of dealing and making the loss easier to handle for him. If he thinks it's working for him, he might think it would work for you, theorizing that since it wasn't a recognizable fetus yet, the loss is somehow less.
Talk to him and tell him how you feel. If you are still having problems coping, I also suggest that you think about counseling, at least for yourself if not both of you. He may be harboring some harder feelings than he's letting on.
2007-01-16 09:44:15 · answer #7 · answered by desiderio 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
oh god i cant belive he said that if you are depressed then you need to go and see a doctor i know how hard a miscarriage is i had 1 myself at 20 weeks i found this web site were you can put your babys name in there and leave a message it really helped me hope it will help u has well best wishes http://www.babythomas.co.uk/memorials
2007-01-16 09:50:00 · answer #8 · answered by andrea.barrett36 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
That is sad, my aunt had a miscarrige before I was born, but I know she got over it (I think), you should talk with your hubby, and let go of the tension, frustion, and depressing thoughts about your miscarriged child, and think about all the other little ones you can bring into this world or (if little children can't be brought into the world by you) adopt a child, they always want somebody to love them.
2007-01-16 09:46:08 · answer #9 · answered by BMW 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Maybe this is his way of dealing with the loss of your child. You can never really be sure if that is how he truly feels. Just allow him to deal with it in his own way and you deal with it in your own way. If you are having a hard time with it (which is very normal) then seek counseling. If you are unable to afford a counselor, call your local health department, they can usually tell you where you can find one that is 'pro bono' or maybe they even have one in their office.
Just continue to give it time. You both will eventually overcome the grief of losing your baby.
2007-01-16 09:45:16 · answer #10 · answered by †♥mslamom♥† 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋