Anyone know any good putdowns??

Question

me and the new girl arn't bonding very well at work!!! need some good putdowns/insults to shut her up!!! i know, i know, i'm horrible, but shes a gobshite and i've used all mine!! lol.......Help

The funnier the better ;) ta much xx

Answer 1

your so ugly your shadow quit

Answer 2

A girl with your IQ should have a low voice too!

A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you held on to it.

After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of abortion in cases of incest.

Any similarity between you and a human is purely coincidental!

You are as useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker.

Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are fed up.

Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of you. Why should I take all the credit?

Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid people.

Careful now, don't let your brains go to your head!

Did your parents ever ask you to run away from home?

Do you ever wonder what life would be like if you'd had enough oxygen at birth

I've come across decomposed bodies that are less offensive than you are.

I've had many cases of love that were just infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real thing.

I've seen people like you, but I had to pay admission!

Keep talking, someday you'll say something intelligent!

Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm interested.

Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth control!

Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a palmist; I know you've got a palm.

Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for someone who gives a damn

People can't say that you have absolutely nothing! After all, you have inferiority!

Answer 3

Earth is full so go back home.
Your Home village just called, they're missing their idiot.
What part of "Phuq off, I'm busy" don't you understand?
So how much did Bupa charge you for the charisma bypass?
Do put anything behind your ears to attract guys? Other than your knees that is.
Wny don't you shut your face and give your @rse a chance?

Answer 4

You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As we say in Texas. I'll bet you couldn't pour piss out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won't go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.

You're a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.

You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselfs in recognition of what they had done.

I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformity. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?

Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.

You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you ckoke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.

You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You're a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won't have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.

And what meaning do you expect your delusionally self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?

You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meatslapper.

On a good day you're a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.

You smarmy lagerlout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oik artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill.

You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.

I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid. You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I'm sorry. I can't go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don't have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.

the only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of your of what you wrote, because, well... it didn't really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success. True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us "normal" people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are "challenged" persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known, that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn't have been "right". Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.

Answer 5

That's horrible! Why do you have to put her down. Why not just ignore her? She'll probably feel better if you do too!

Sounds a bit like you fancy her actually! And when you finally admit that to yourself, just be yourself instead of all this crass, boring and not very bright put down stuff! Just grow up!

Answer 6

I'm a bit posher than you. But my put downs always work, here goes: -

In life some people like the sound of their own voices - say this: -

THE PROBLEM WITH YOU IS THAT YOU ARE INEBRIATED BY THE EXUBERANCE OF ONES OWN VERBOSITY!!

Some think that they know everything - when in fact they don't - say the following: - YOU ARE WELL QUALIFIED TO GIVE AN OPINION, BECUASE YOU ARE NOT HAMPERED BY HAVING ANY KNOWLEDGE OF THE SUBJECT!!!

Here's another one: ON THE DAY THAT YOU WERE BORN.... THE BEST PART OF YOU RAN DOWN YOUR MOTHERS LEG!!!

I'VE SEEN BETTER FACES ON THE BACK END OF A BUS!!

HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR BACKSIDE (AMERICAN FANNY) TODAY. BEND DOWN THEN LOOK IN THE MIRROR!

Answer 7

I got into trouble at my last job with this one:

Ask her ' Would you sleep with anyone for 100 million pounds?'
She'll answer 'yes' of course, even if you have to give her the old 'come on now - 100 million?'
When she says yes you respond:
' Great - Now we've established your a whore all we need to do is negotiate '

It's guaranteed to get a laugh!!

Failing that you could alays try:

'If I had a face like yours I'd walk on my hands and teach my a*s to talk'
'Are you wearing those clothes for a bet?'
'Is it true that when they were handing out brains you thought they said trains and asked for a slow one?'

Go get them!

Answer 8

If she's in a bad mood, you coud turn to the rest of the room and say...

"she's been that miserable since Dorothy dropped the house on her sister!"

Answer 9

Next time I want to listen to an Ar*ehole, I'll Fart.

When I grow up Mummy says I'm going to be a proper little madam.

Your real name must be 'Friday' because when you were born your were so ugly your Dad said 'F**K me that's grim, put it back and we will call it a Day!

Answer 10

Ask her if she has just fallen out of the UGLY tree and hit every branch on the way down.

Answer 11

If I wanted a comeback Iwoulda wiped if off yer mommas chin.
Your mom shoulda swallowed you.