Kids- are they worth it? PARENTS ONLY PLZ?

Question

Been married 7 years, I'm 32 and he's 37. We're thinking about getting pregnant. We have a home and can financially support a child, but we really enjoy our freedom. Are kids TRULY worth it? Do they ruin marriages? The main reason we are considering getting pregs is our ages, we see it as now or never, not getting any younger. Honest answers from parents only please!

Thanks for all of your replies. To answer some ?'s- yes we have a strong marriage and he would be a great help (he is the 2nd oldest of 6 siblings, knows all about kids). I think we could handle putting the child first. I just saw on another ? on this board (What causes people to divorce?) that alot of people posted "Kids".

Another thing I'd like to know if any of you come back and read this- did you plan to get preg or was it a "surprise"?

Answer 1

I am very torn on what to tell you here. I am the mother of three daughters. I guess what I would tell you is this:

1. Yes, they absolutely intrude on your marriage. It will likely never be the same as far as intimacy, privacy and time. Yes, they can ruin a marriage because you will never have time for each other anymore. Oh sure, people will tell you that you can leave your children and get away, but that really doesn't happen in real life. You will be tired (no, exhausted) most of the time and your time will never be yours. Painting your nails will be a luxury. Your home will no longer be a showplace, but filled with toys, drawings, shoes, marks on the walls, stains on the carpet, etc.

2. Your body will never be the same either. I know there are movie stars and celebrities who bounce right back and look as good as ever, but you will deal with fat and stretch marks and nursing and an episitomy or cesarean scar. You can sometimes see yourself as a factory rather than a woman and sensual creature. It can feel as if your body has been taken over and you are not in control. That said, pregnancy is amazing and like a big secret relationship that only you have.

3. Are you prepared to give up your freedom and your life for at least 20 years? Honestly, being able to go where you want and do what you want will be lost for that time. Even if you don't mean it to happen, the child will come first and your spouse second and you last. Spontaneous travel is out of the question pretty much.

All that said, I honestly don't know whether I would have childen again. It truly is giving up your life. I mean, you choose to do it and you want to, but your life is no longer your own. I became resentful when they got to be teenagers that they have no gratitude for everything I have done for them and given up for them. They think it is my duty and job. I sure do miss that young, good-looking sexy girl who loved to shop, skinny dip, go off on a vacation, etc.. She got replaced with "mommy". Mommy works, she wears jeans and T-shirts and tennis shoes. Her hair is seldom brushed and make-up is only optional most of the time. She comes home from work and has clothes to wash and iron, dinner to make, bathrooms to clean, homework to help with, nagging to do about all sorts of chores and things that need to be done, etc.. She goes to sleep about midnight and feels guilty for not doing enough or spending time with her husband - maybe tomorrow.
Oh, sure, I loved it when they were babies and young children. Christmas was magical and I loved that mommy feeling, but now they are teenagers and no longer under much control. They have their own attitudes and problems, which become mine to bear. I loved dressing them up and showing them off. I loved it that I seemed to have the whole world in my arms.

If you asked me today whether I would have kids again, I hate to say it, but the answer would be no. Maybe I'm selfish or not as dedicated a mother as some other women, but I loved being free and young and attractive. I just am not at all sure that the trade off was worth the sacrifices. This is a decision that only you can make. You will love more than you can ever imagine you could. They will mean more to you than anything in the world, but the kind of life you describe that you enjoy will be a thing of the past.

I know that I will get bombed with ugly rebuttals, but I'm trying to be honest from my point of view. I have been a mother now for 18 years - a good one. It's just that I watch them grow and me fade and that's hard to bear.

Think really hard about this. Be honest with yourselves and do not be swayed by the opinions of others. Borrow a small child for a couple of weeks and see how much time you truly have for freedom and each other. Imagine that for years and years and years.

I did go back and read your addition. The first baby was not planned, but a wonderful surprise. We really were delighted and she was very much wanted. The second wasn't planned either. We were not using birth control and knew it would happen eventually, but she was a surprise too. The third was definitely a surprise as I was back in college and trying not to get pregnant (at least most of the time). My three are three years apart each.

Answer 2

There is nothing I can say to really explain what it feels like to be a parent. You know how you love your husband? You will love your child so much more than that.
If you value your freedom then don't become a parent because you won't have any for a long time. Mine are 17 and 13 and I am just starting to get time for myself. That was my choice, though, I am totally into being a parent.
It will change the relationship you have with your husband. You won't be each other's babies anymore. It can be good for your relationship and it can be really hard on it.
My advice is if the only reason you are thinking about it is because you are getting older then don't do it. If you really want to be a parent I think you would know that by now.

Answer 3

I'm 23, had a baby at age 20 (I was a month away from turning 21). The biggest stresser in our relationship is money and our son. Sounds horrible, but you don't know what it's like to raise a chid until you're actually doing it and far more complicated than you could ever guess.

I wouldn't suggest having a baby just because of your ages. If you enjoy your freedom, I would have a baby either. It's silly, but you don't even think about how little freedom you have once a baby is in your life... you can't even go to the store without packing up the baby, the diaper bag, hauling everything around, etc... My son is almost 3 and I can't even go to the bathroom without him following me inside! hehe.

But seriously, I know I'm younger and may have less life experience than you, but a baby brings some complications into your life/your relationship. The first few weeks with a newborn is glorious and wonderful, but when that baby starts screaming and your hubby heads for the door to go to a bar or something, you're gonna wish you had chosen the other path. It's VERY difficult; it's the hardest thing I've done in my life... but once thing is for sure, I'm glad I had a baby at age 20 because by the time I'm your husband's age, I will have that freedom and have the time to go out and have fun and go on vacations and stuff, you know?

Answer 4

Kids are a joy. You two have been married a while and have had the opportunity to enjoy each other and do some of the things that parents cant really do and enjoy. Now that you guys are more settled and can support a child it would be a good idea to have one before you get to old. You can still have freedom, but not as much. There are always grandparents (your parents), aunts, friends and babysitters to watch the kids while you guys go out for a night of fun.

Answer 5

Don't do it. Children are permanent. They never go away. 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year forever. You will never feel peace or freedom again. in everything you do for at least 23 years, you must put the childs needs ahead of your own. You can't go where you want, you can't buy what you want and you can't know how they are going to turn out. You chose where you live by the school district. And at your age, when you should be thinking about retirement, you will be thinking about college (if you're lucky...if you're not you may have your child and their illegimate baby living with you) You may turn down a promotion or better job so your kid doesn't have to move. You can be the best parents in the world and have a child that turns out to be a drug addict....or a Nobel prize winner. It's a real roll of the dice. Even if you were 100% sure this was what you wanted to do, it's the one thing in life you can't go back and change. Stay happy, Stay childless.

signed. A mom of a 26 year old

Answer 6

Kids are great, but if you think that you aren't really ready for them then you might not enjoy them to the fullest. Having kids is the true test of how selfish you are. I learned that I am very selfish, but that isn't their fault. I am still learning to give myself to them, but also make time for myself and my husband.

Children don't hinder your life, they may pause things a little or change the paths, but they are no means the end of it.
Think also that if you really want children have them while you are young and when they are grown you are still young enough to travel and do things that you didn't get a chance to.

Nothing is better than a little pair of arms huggin' your neck and saying i love you momma or kiss it momma make it better. Knowing this unconditional love ... nothing beats it.

As far as ruining marriages, if you have a solid marriage right now, having a child should not effect it to that extreme. Sure, there will be some tired cranky moments, but if you each know how to appreciate each other and help each other out, it will only make your bond stronger.

Good luck with your decisions. I never wanted children before I had them, but I thank God everyday for mine...... even when they are pushing me too the brink of insanity. LOL

Answer 7

I have two girls ages 9 & 7 and love them to death. Im also 32 and what I can tell you is having a child will take alot of time but it is well worth every minute. A child will make you smile one second and upset you the next second. I would vote for the kid later in life you will be glad you did and you only live once.But if you really enjoy your freedom alot having a kid will only take away from that. Good luck at whatever you decide.

Answer 8

I have two children 2ys and 2 mths. I am 22 and I absolutely adore my babies! BUT I also get greatly frustarted some times. I am a stay at home mom I am with my babies 24 hrs a day and it stresses the crap out of me. But let me tell you this they are the best things I've ever accomplished my whole life. Its amazing to watch them grow and learn and know that i is me who teaching them everything they know. They look at me so loving and trusting a melts my heart. Having kids isn't for everybody. Especially since you waited so long and you've become accustom to the freedom. it WILL be hard for you to adjust especially the first three months!! Pleas make sure you really want to have children before you do. don't do it just because of you age. Speaking or you age you have a hire risk of pregnancy complications and you might want to consider adopting.I that not an option for you make sure you do everything you can to keep healthy for your baby! Good luck

Answer 9

Kids are diffinatly worth it, if your happy to give up certain things for a period of time.
Some people i know are very happy with there lifestyle and kids would throw a spanner in the works. eg .they like to travel go, out alot and are very social.

However you shouldnt see kids as a thing you have to do.
you should have kids because you want them or you can see your self being a parent.

My husband and i have 2 children and would never swap them for any other lifestyle because they are our whole life we'd move the moon for them so to speak. but some people dont see there kids quiet that way , rather as a regret for the life that they have lossed.
we were young parents so maybe our ideas on children are alot different, however they are only kids for so long so if your worried about lifestyle its only for a short period of time till you get it back.

Babysitters, grandparents, and friends always help out if you want time away or dinner out for you time with your husband so you can combine both but you have to willing for the challange!

good luck with what you decide!

Answer 10

I'm 43 and the Dad to a 10 month old baby girl, my first. I avoided having children for years because I loved my freedom. I can now say it is the most wonderful thing I have ever experienced. But I also think a big part was that I waited until I was ready to have a child, because it is hard, time consuming and a responsibility beyond anything you ever had before. You just need to be sure that your freedom is something you are willing to give up.. not the freedom to go and do (take your child with you)... but the freedom of putting yourself first. Your child will need to be first for quite some time.

Answer 11

Well, as opposed to you, I had a child at 17. I think that bringing a child to this world is something very serious. I am 28 years old now, and honestly I'm scared of having another one.

Yes, it is difficult and yes, kiss your freedom good-bye. However, as there are negative things to everything, there are positive.

I say if there is love and respect in your relationship, you shouldn't worry. Marriage only fails when the relationship is not working in the beginning.

Motherhood is not easy girl, but in the long run is worth it.