The bus is cold, the butterflies are overcoming me, and my iPod is playing the Beastie Boys getting me pumped up. We are on our way Bishop Hendricken High School to play in the division one championship of Rhode Island volleyball. I am the starting setter and the captain of the team, my mood, pace, and attitude sets the tempo of the team. The coach has told me many of times if I want this championship its mine. We just have to pull the perfect underdog victory against the 7 time reigning champs. Volleyball is a very significant part of my life, when I am out on the court I feel as if I have no worries it’s the team and I.
Another immense thing in my life is business because; I have been brought up around people who run companies. My grandfather who is one of my biggest idols. He is the perfect example of the American dream coming from poor, to being Vice President of companies like Ace Hardware, Nation Hardware Distributors, and Ann & Hope. He has done this with... Illsend rest emai
2007-01-16 07:44:44 · 5 answers · asked by Ben L 2 in Education & Reference ➔ Higher Education (University +)
my advice would be to cut out everything you wrote that comes before "Volleyball is a very significant part..." Then from this point, explain why volleyball is so significant to you and what you have learned from this sport that you can use in college.
Next, is business what you want to study in college? If it is, explain why you want a career in business. Explain how your grandfather has influenced you by what he has done.
I worked this past summer on perfecting my college essay. If you need anymore help, I am willing to read it again. I will put this question on my watch list.
2007-01-17 11:01:08 · answer #1 · answered by "Hello, I Love You" 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
IT's a good start, but you use a couple of phrases to disadvantage.
"Another immense thing in my life...." You haven't set a "first immense thing" so bringing up a second one is out of place. If you mean the "significant part of my life" then the statement should be "Another significant part of my life...."
As for "thing" well that shoujd be obvious.
You then go from first person to 3rd person in tense. Needs a lot of change there.
2007-01-16 08:04:24 · answer #2 · answered by Marvinator 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Way to wait to the last possible minute to get that application in. I hope the college you are applying to doesn't use rolling admissions or you have almost no chance at financial aid.
2007-01-16 08:07:08 · answer #3 · answered by Z-man126 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Ok, college admissions officers don't want hear about the beastie boys. and, you're totally all over the place mentioning your grandfather. focus.
2007-01-16 07:55:08 · answer #4 · answered by wayne 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
start over this is crap.
2007-01-16 09:45:10 · answer #5 · answered by chaos 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋