where do i go for marriage advice?

Question

My husband of almost 5 years and I have separated because of my actions and attitude that i seem to have all the time. We have a 8 year old daughter who loves us both and would love for anything more in the world for him to move back with us. We have agreed to take it month by month to see if we can fix this. The
problem is i always have an attitude not so much towards him but at everything, and it seems like he is just the one that gets the full effect of it. I need to know how to make it better and how to prove to him I can change for him and not do everything that has happened in the past happen again. I was married once before and my first husband put me through hell by cheating and hitting me. Here lately I find my self doing the same things he did to me to my new husband. Not the cheating but the hitting and the putting down. How does someone put the past in the past and not bring it up anymore?

Answer 1

The past can't be in the 'past', - until it's resolved.

I really don't think your primary problem is a 'marriage' problem, the marriage is just where your internal issues show up the most.

You need to find different ways of talking, and some self-manage about what to feel, how to feel, and how to express yourself. Just because every year you are "growing up", doesn't mean you're a "grown-up". I've seen lots of 50 year olds being childish, selfish, impulsive, and can't manage their own lives. These people have missed the opportunity to "grow up" thru different experiences. They had better "double-up" on the maturing.

This can come from books and self-taught techniques. I've found going to church and being correctly aligned with God helps me serve (not) myself first.

Answer 2

This is something I dont understand. You are a grown woman, but blaming every man on this planet for the actions of one....your ex. You should not have married this current man if you hadnt healed from your first marriage...it was totally unfair to both of you. Maybe this time apart will give you the opportunity to do the healing you should have done before you got involved again. Use this time as a learning experience....do some soul searching.........find yourself again. Try not to concentrate on getting your husband back. Use this time to work on you. Go to counselling, join a support group, really do something positive about this problem. It is the showing, not the talking that will convince your husband you are serious in your attempt at trying to change your behaviour. Find a job, volunteer your services in a domestic violence refuge...do something positive to become the woman you once were before you suffered the abuse in your first marriage. Unless you change your ideas, unless you can put the past where it belongs, then nothing you are going to say to husband will change your behaviour. You have to want it for you. You have to want to become a whole person again. And only after you find yourself again will you be of value to your husband. You have a lot of issues that havent been dealt with....deal with them first, then try to convince your husband you have changed. If you love him you wouldnt want him to come back to more of the same. Go get the help you need, concentrate on yourself, do whatever it takes to undo the damage your ex husband did you to psychologically. Living in an abusive relationship attacks your very soul. We think we are strong enough to let the past lie, but when your mind gets screwed up because of an abusive spous'es behaviour, then you will need some professional intervention to help undo that damage. A support group is great idea, counselling is a great idea, volunteering is a great idea....but only you can do it. You have to find the strength the realise you have to become strong in your own right. You need to find yourself again. Your real self was lost with every punch, with every nasty degrading word your ex ever said to you....go find yourself again, and when you do it will be easy to convince your husband you have changed...simply because you have.

I wish you all the success in the world....You deserve to be totally happy, but that will only happen when you trully do deal with the past and learn who you really are.

Answer 3

Oh weird. My name is Andrea L. I was also married for 5 years and with a daughter! Sorry it kinda flipped me there for a moment.

Anyway, go for marital counselling and goodluck. Acknowledge that you messed up, learn from it and move on. I wish you all the best. If you can work it out for your daughter then do so because you are giving her the best gift in the world, two parents. Maybe personal counselling would help you as well for the attitude change. Been there and done that.

Answer 4

It seems like you have lost faith to the very person you once were before the abuse from your first husband. I think the best place for you to go is the church.

You need to find peace in you before thinking how to give others peace. Try to be remembering the person you were before any kind of abuse. That would be since you were a child if possible. You used to be a nice innocent person who could do no harm to anyone; and that's the person you mean to be.

Go in love and piece... and we all love you.

Answer 5

First of all, be certain that you've got selected the correct character so that you can support you construct a well loved ones. Second, do not permit small disorders wreck love among you and your accomplice. Success in having well kids is to deliver them up with love and information. In case you may have a main issue together with your partner, God forbid, do not permit day after today comes and also you each nonetheless irritated with each and every different, remedy it within the identical day. Finally, BE FRANK.

Answer 6

it's really a choice. it sounds like you have a good picture of your relationship and your own behavioral challenges, now it all comes down to making a conscious decision to not say or do things which aggravate or create negative situations.
stop and take a breath and actually count to 10 before anything comes out of your mouth, it will give you a few extra seconds to decide if it's worth fighting about. then with time you will learn to take the reigns over your emotionally charged issues before they take charge of you. it will take time but it can be over come.
Don't give up, your daughters happiness is the most import thing:)

Answer 7

You just have to let it go and give it to God. It may be hard to do, but you have to be willing to make this sacrifice to keep your family together if that is what you want. Try to write your anger down on paper instead of throwing it all in your husband's face. You know the feeling of how it feels to be hurt and put down, so why put your husband through it. How do you think it makes him feel? I think you should be thankful and grateful for what you have right now and try to keep it.

Answer 8

You need to go to COUNSELING alone and later as a couple.

You have to repeat yourself:

He is NOT my ex-husband
I cannot do to him what was done to me

It seems to me that you have a horrible anxiety problem. You have become neurotic and frustrated trying to "fix" everything in your life.

If you don't learn to accept things the way they are, you are going to spook your husband away, and be all alone.

Good luck

Answer 9

U need to seek counseling.... look in the phone book.... by U asking this question, U are taking the first step in trying to get help... U both need to be in counseling.... If U belong top a church U can start there...

Answer 10

I would suggest a support group for what your ex put you through & some counceling. This will show hubby you are serious about changing. It will also help you get back ur pride and everything else your ex took from you.