Verbal abuse question?

Question

My wife yells and rants and raves a lot about her needs. Ever since we got married she’s been very controlling about what I do (like when I go on a business trip I can’t even have one beer because she “knows what happens on those trips”. FYI I’ve been doing it before I met her and never “hooked up” with anyone on a business trip). When she gets mad, she tells me horrible things like “She needs to talk to my ex. wife because my ex. should have me back because I’m such a problem” or “I just use her to take care of my kids (they are only with us a few days a week. Otherwise it’s her kid all the time) and she’s sick of being used and I’m the last person who will ever use her” or “ I totally disrespect her and that I don’t care about her at all” if I fail to see 100% of her needs all the time. She is a very attractive woman who has a great personality but once you go below the surface there is something from her past that eats at her. I’m starting to realize now why she was single. Beautiful women are usually snatched up pretty quick and she was never married or even dating anyone when I met her (she’s 30). She acts like I’m the worst thing that ever happened to her even though I know that if I wasn’t married to her, I’d have been gone a long time ago. When I talk to her about past relationships, she constantly talks about being used, abused, and so forth and so on. My opinion is that it takes two to make a relationship work and if she said the things she says to me to her previous guys, they probably high tailed it out of there. My question is this: Does she say these things to me because she thinks I am actually the worst thing that has happened to her or is her self esteem in the crapper and she’s threatened by mine? Usually they say that people who verbally abuse say to you what they are thinking about themselves. So does she think she is using me, she’s disrespecting me, she’s thinking I should give her back to some previous boyfriend and knows what goes on in business trips because she’s actually had something happen on a trip? When people verbally abuse, are they really talking about you or themselves? How much should I listen to and how much should I just say “crap she’s talking about herself again. I’m tuning out”? I know sometimes people get upset out of frustration but to listen to her say these horrible things to me like “I wish I would have never met you” and “you’re not a man” then love me again the next day….I don’t know. One thing to add, according to her I have mood issues not her. I never did before I met her.

Answer 1

You two need counseling so that another "outside" source can tell her there are issues she needs to deal with. Let her know that you feel that you need counseling to help make her happy (which is true) and have her pick out the counselor, so that she is not able to badmouth the one you would pick out.

That or leave her.

Answer 2

Hello

It's so relieving to see more men are in the World that care enough to evaluate before they make a decision!

Ok the Answer you are looking for I DO HAVE!
Now it may be as long as the Question though and to add this was asked very well the details that seem the smallest is what matter!

Your Wife is being verbally abusive and nobody deserves this but there is an explaination to many women who do this and I may be wrong but also I am Possitive I will Hit it one the Head!
Also I'll include some tips!

First You need to know your Wife is in a state that you can't ignore or she will only get worse. Though her independence will create a problem if you fight back too! Because then you are proving her thinking right~
She Sounds Like A True Virgo! Is this So?

I am as well a Virgo and we are Women who will Worry our selves Sick and even Worse We can believe these easily.
Now She is Likely actually Not Willingly or realy wanting to be but Addicted to this Nature From Past relationships! When she needs to be given a little more love or attention it will be told in the wrong manner!

Let me guess she will start a fight- Stomp off Directly Expressing to stay AWAY so you'll give her her space but to find she doesn't calm down but she will get worse and say why do you ignore the problems and Me!
And it is because even if she says this it is only a fight that she created to be Chased! You have to go after he and slowly move into her with understanding words and Answers!
Dont show your agrivated or she will feel you think she isn't worth the Fight/ Or you wont Fight FOR HER! Meaning that you don't feel her problems whether they are big or small matter which in effect makes it personal So then Se doesxn't MATTER!

As for the trips this tells me this even more because she likely missed you so badly and wants more expressions of this and if a few times it wasn't expressed enough then it becomes where just saying I miss you doesn't count-- You will then be making up for lost miss you's before too! And this can rack up and in effect take a few trips with comlpete All Out Ways to say I missed you!
Now she will reverse this and Suspect you are gulty of something so calmly reassure her everything is Ok and REMEMBER You need to KEEP THIS UP FOR A Few Days After and maybe even a WEEK~
\
Now I know this sounds like a lot of works but Just Like The 69 Chevelle It took Time Work Love and Passion to create something so beautiful and Powerfull that we can Drive with Pride
SO TREAT LOVE LIKE THIS AND LIKE THAT IT WILL BE WONDERFUL
Id like to give you more advice tomorrow as well in the AM hours

Kristina (23) of WV

Answer 3

Just like you said yourself it takes 2. So how come now your blaming it all on her ? And I'm a beautiful women older than her who has never married. Does that mean I'm damaged goods ? Did you ever think that she had many opportunities for marriage but she decided not to ? And whats your story ? How come you were single and able to meet her ? Whats wrong with you ? If you stopped for one second to have some empathy for someone who has been raked through the coals by men and understand her position things would probably be way better. She needs something from you. She needs to know that she can trust YOU. Business trips are though. Cant you understand that ?? Cant you do anything to put her mind at ease about things like this ? If you really loved her you would.

Answer 4

Jeez! What a handful! You two need to have a discussion on respect. It's O.K. to vent frustrating feelings, but it's not O.K. to verbally abuse another person because you are not happy with your situation. Let her know that you will not accept verbal abuse from her for any reason. If she begins in again, remind her once and if it continues, leave until she cools off and then try your discussion again. Your quality of life with your wife is lousy and no one wants to live that way. It's impossible to meet 100% of someone else's needs. She needs an outlet outside of the house. A class or activity that she enjoys would give her a different perspective and help her to realize that life is a whole lot bigger than all her problems. Good luck mate!

Answer 5

assorted have it incorrect... Sandra J... how good of you to be waiting to describe all that for the period of such element. Did that purely harm your day? so some distance, Sandra is the only i've got seen that have been given it spectacular, and assorted after her have nonetheless stated they are the comparable. they are not. Verbal abuse, like she stated, is obtrusive. He stated: you're a valueless piece of crap, and a waste of air. <<< it fairly is obtrusive verbal abuse. besides the undeniable fact that, there are people who could have a communique with you and in no way say something that at a glance seems too surprisingly hurtful. from time to time it is the toughest area. you initiate a dialogue feeling offended and harm because of the fact of what somebody did or stated. you end the communique feeling to blame for how you felt to start. you experience valueless, and poor for how you felt. The strangest element is, besides the undeniable fact that, that the abuser in no way actually stated that. they only manage what you're saying to advise something else, and that they actually administration the way your ideas thinks. that's what makes it so puzzling to discover and combat against. it is not till lots later once you seem returned and understand which you have allowed your self to be taken on a rollercoaster journey of your guy or woman ideas, controlled by using somebody else. to boot, to confess to being emotionally abused seems which you're giving something up. It seems such as you're telling the worldwide which you're vulnerable sufficient to allow somebody to wreck you without ever asserting or doing something to reason direct discomfort. then you certainly experience that it is your fault. it is their objective. To make you experience so valueless and so vulnerable that there isn't something you're able to do to flee their draw close.

Answer 6

WOW! I really feel for you. Your wife needs counseling immediately because this marriage will not last if this continues. There is something in her past that allows her to have these types of behaviors. Her self esteem is not hers it belongs to whatever tragedy she has encountered and it has taken over the marriage. Separation may be an idea until she can resolve those issues because life as you know it now will continue.

Answer 7

If you are unhappy and cannot resolve the situation, just get a polite divorce. Sometimes you fall for people you can't work things out with. There will always be issues between the two of you, I sense, so stop hurting each other and move on to the rest of your lives.

Answer 8

did you read your question? if not then take a minute to read it carefully.

1). it sounds as if your wife has some deep (as in happened along time ago) problems that must be resolved. you're right, her self esteem is in the porcelin god. her past is just that her past, but she has brought it into the present by beating you up with and about it.
2). listen to what she has to say, but don't take it to heart. listen and then find someone outside the marriage with whom she may speak. find a marriage counselor, a priest, a minister. if she won't go, then you need to do. this wil allow you to have a place to vent your anger and frustrations and perhaps - now this is a strectch - perhaps she will observe you and learn that taling outside the marriage to a 3rd party isn't so bad. keep trying though. don't give up yet.
3) on Monday she says "you're not a man" and on Tuesday she says she loves you. Somewhere in a book store there is a book with a title like "I Hate You, Don't Leave Me." Buy it for yourself and read through it. it may have some pointers in it for you. I don't know, I haven't read it but your comment made me think of it.
4). of course you have mood issues. her moods affect your feelings and that's bound to come out. and if she wants you to match her moods, back off. because, then you will be proving her right, in her mind. "see, i knew you had mood issues. i knew you would be cr*p", etc. so, don't live down to her expectations. live up to yours instead.
5). she does sound terribly insecure. she needs help but you can only be there as a shoulder. the help must come from the outside and she (your mrs) must reach for it. change is a door that swings only one way, from the inside - and that's where she is standing - on the inside. she must want to change and it takes guts to do so.

good luck in your marriage. you can see the light, but she is in the dark about herself. the education of self about self - tough to swallow, but do-able. i've done it.

Answer 9

Run, don't walk, to the marriage counselor! It sounds like she's misplacing her anger towards past partners on you. It also sounds like she's going through the typical 'stepparent' syndrome of wanting your children to acknowledge, love and respect her, which they may never do. It takes many years for step children to build up a relationship with a step parent. Counseling, counseling, counseling. If she won't go to counseling end the relationship now, before it hurts your children!

Answer 10

Man she really needs help! This can be seen a spously abuse, even if you are a man. You need to help her to get help. Whatever happened in the past is really going to ruin your marriage if you don't go to counseling. Good Luck!