Joint account problems? Please help.?

Question

Ok, We got a joint acct in august 06. We both put 50 dollars a week into a personal acct which should leave PLENTY of money for the bills and to put away in savings. The whole idea was to use "OUR" money for bills and savings, and use personal money for things we want.

PROBLEM: he uses our money for stuff he wants, and then complains that we havent been able to save much money. When I confront him with the facts and ask him what these purchases were for, he gets defensive and goes off on a tangent about how he had more money when he had a personal acct. Im NOT going back to having seperate accts because I always paid for food then. He never went to get groceries, it was ALWAYS me. AND that was unfair to me since he ate the food too.

So how do I confront him with all of this without starting a fight with him. I HATE fighting and we dont do it often. He just gets so defensive about money! Any ideas on what we should do? Thanks.

YES WE ARE MARRIED- HAVE BEEN FOR 3+ YEARS!!!

Answer 1

Sticky. Here's what I'd suggest.

Keep the joint account as the billpaying account ONLY. When y'all get credit cards, utilities, etc (accounts with monthly bills and statements), put in ONLY the amount that will be paid on each bill into the account and pay it from there (don't put in $50 here and there, put in what will actually be used). Make it clear that if he takes any more out of this billpaying account than he put in there to pay current bills, that he will be taking from the money that you put in to pay your bills, and that both of you run the risk of bouncing a payment.

If you are the one who primarily manages groceries, gas, savings, whatever, set up a separate savings account in your name only (or use your existing account in your name).

Go over your grocery receipts and savings needs with him and arrive together at *an agreed upon amount* that you each will contribute to this purpose. If you do it right, there shouldn't be a whole lot left over that he can say you're pocketing rather than putting toward grocery and savings. The deal is, he gives you *His half* of the money for the savings and groceries, and you take the responsibility to ensure that it gets done (that means you can't blame him if you run out of milk).

The trick is to take the money out of view. If he sees he has $300 in an account, he'll find a way to spend $300 (my hubby's the same way). If he doesn't see the account, and trusts you to make sure that the groceries and savings are paid for, everybody wins.

When talking to him about it, DON'T accuse, or bring up the fact that he spends joint money. Just propose the new plan. In theory, the amount that he's putting into the accounts shouldn't be any more than what he has been paying, it's just a different way of managing it.

good luck!

Answer 2

That's a tough one because it looks like you have already confronted him and he became defensive and a bit upset. Well in his defense he did have more money when he had his personal account because he wasn't helping with the food. He needs to grow up and quit being selfish. All you can do is confront him with the facts and ask him why he doesn't feel like he needs to contribute to groceries or other bills he might want to neglect. Maybe you make more money than he does so he feels you should buy the food or contribute more. It shouldn't be your money or his money it should be both of your money. Having known people who have a joint account for bills and separate personal accounts has led to a lot of fights and divorce. Good Luck.

Answer 3

Communication will be the key in trying to confront your husband with this issue. If you are the one who pays the bills, then give him a print out of how you pay the bills and what goes to what. Allow him to see that the money he is taking out of the account is taking away from the bills that need to be paid. If he still get's aggitated, try this:

"You know we are a young and mature couple and our family is very proud of us. I just don't want to have to get help from our parents when we are truly financially capable of paying our bills and saving money on our own. Don't you think we can do this together?" (this way you shift the thoughts to him, and thus the open discussion)

or

"You know I love you, and I truly appreciate the fact that we can have a joint account, but that's what it is ...a "joint account" which I hope you understand to mean that we make the decision together on what to do with the money, unless it's an emergency, I think we can discuss what we need to spend the money on....don't your agree?" (again shifting him to answer and discuss)

or

"Our spending habits are very different, but not so much to the point where I don't want you to have your spending freedom. Go ahead and get the things you need and I need, but let's make sure we can afford it first, by first paying our bills, saving some money out of each paycheck, and then let's see what we have to work with afterwards...that's fair right?" (smile as you say this and it will melt him and you two can develop a sound agreement from that point)

Good luck to you sweetie...Stay responsible, but always be ahead of him...I know it's sounds crude or mistrusting, but it is necessary as you can tell men just act more impulsively compared to us...but then again every personality is different...be Safe...(smiles)

Answer 4

You may feel that my suggestion is a little dramatic but financial issues are a major reason for divorce so this is something that needs to be addressed right away to ensure the negative feelings you have towards your husband's lack of responsibility towards the family's finances doesn't effect the other parts of your relationship. The solution is not in joint accounts, separate accounts etc...it's simply a character issue that needs to be addressed. Because it sounds like your husband is not very adept at fully understanding and appreciating your concerns (this is not unusual for husbands unfortunately...I have the same problem as do many other husbands I know) I would recommend that the two of you sit down with a professional marriage counselor who is trained in facilitating a resolution to the issue....often times husbands hear but don't listen to what our wives are saying and therefore he may not fully appreciate the severity of your concerns...sometimes all it takes is a third party to get through to us....hopefully he will agree to participate and even if he doesn't, it's quite possible that the mere suggestion from you of a marriage counselor will be the catylyst needed to get him to understand your concerns and begin a meaningful, mature discussion between the two of you so that a solution can be found.

Answer 5

Go back to the way it was before, but make him buy the groceries
don't buy any groceries. use the joint account for all the other bills.
He feels like he was bullied into the "our money" acct. If he wants food he can pay for it and get it himself, he is a big boy now.

Answer 6

I agree with "Mom Know's Everything"....wait till you'r married. If you don't want to do that because he still won't help pay, talk to an account or someone good with finances and have them help you set something up. Maybe split up the savings and bill money into two different accounts and make the one for the savings untouchale for three months after you deposit things....then if the account with the bill money is low, it's his problem to pay because nothing else should have been taken out of there.

Answer 7

Get rid of the joint account and have him right a check out of his "personal account" to you so you can deposit it in a new, separate account (not your "personal" account.) This way, you are the only person that has access to the money.

At the end of the month, sit down with him and go over the bank statement to show him where the money went throughout the month. This way, he can see you aren't using it for "personal" use.

Answer 8

Whether you want to or not, you need to remove all of your funds from this account and transfer to your own private account. If HE doesn't help with grocery money, then HE won't eat.

You have to stand your ground or you will get walked all over.

I was in a similar situation, and have been patiently waiting for over 5 months for over $500 owed to me. He has, however, been able to go on a trip, buy a car, buy clothes, go out, etc.

Don't make the same mistake. Separate your cash and make him take responsibility for his own money. If he runs out, oh well.

Its a hard lesson, but he will have to learn it eventually anyway.

And if he leaves; although it will hurt, you'll be surprised how stress-free your life will be and how much $$ you'll have.

Answer 9

I guess the first question has to be are you married? If yes, you should have ONE account that all of your money goes into. ONE. Not one for you and one for him. The preacher did not pronounce you a joint venture. He said that you are now ONE.

If you aren't married and are just playing house, then you have an irresponsible roommate and you need to get a different one.

Answer 10

If you're not married, then you are foolish to have a joint account. Separate your money from his NOW, and then work out the grocery thing separately. If he doesn't shop, he doesn't eat.