what to do?

Question

I've been married for 2 years... one nite while having a beer with my wife, i asked her about somthing i was always curious about: when we were dating (about 3 years ago) she went on spring break vacations with some of her friends and i asked her to tell me if anything happened. She said that she made out, kissing and forplaying with one of her friends, kissed his gay friend and kissed her girlfriend. She said that she didnt tell me anything cuz she thought i would get really mad. I dont know how i feel, in one hand im very angry cuz not only i know the ppl she was with but she didnt trust me enough to tell me what happened, in the other hand im obviously afraid that there may be some other things she hasnt told me about. We already had a very long conversation about it, but i cant stop thinking about it. I've lost the feeling for sex with her or to spend time with her. She's noticing this and asks me whats wrong but i feel that if i bring the topic up again we'll get into a big fight.

Answer 1

I think u shud juz tell her that thing that upset and bothers yoU again!,, just speak up honestly! isn't that something that you want her to do? isn't that what you expect out of this relationship? even though probably it breaks into a big fight,, but hey u're married, u gotta deal with that every once in while...

And by the way..don't judge her or punish her support her and encourage her to speak honestly next time... Sure you'll get angry but it cud always be solved, becoz of the commitment in marriage..just remember that she dunt wanna hurt your feeling..

hope it all turns out well. ok ;)

Answer 2

The true importance of this is what your relationship was at that point. If you were just dating then you truly had no stamp on her and while she did wrong it was not truly against you. If you were engaged then it is a different matter.

She was so open about this because she considered this to be an insignificant thing. And coming back from that vacation she truly would not have told you because she didn't want to loose you.

Now if that happened while your married then you truly have to find out what is going on with your relationship. Sounds like you need to do that anyway. This thing has you in it's grip. You have let it change your whole relationship with her and that is not good for a marriage.

What has happened is you have lost your faith in her. Your feeling is that if she could do that and you never notice what else could she have or could be doing? I have been their only far worst. It took a crises counselor to get me through it.

Set her down, without the beer, and tell her exactly how you feel. Your loss of confidence in her is not insignificant. You must let her know how you feel so that she can confirm that she really is the woman thought you married.

Answer 3

The truth is she married you...she did not marry someone else or leave you for someone else. People do all sorts of experimental things when they drink, specifically somewhat sexual in nature. The issue you are bringing up is "trust" Perhaps, just perhaps you may want to look at why she is telling you now. I think it is because she DOES trust you and is very comfortable because you have been together for two years. Trust takes a great amount of time in my opinion to build. It is almost like a spiritual connection. Sex and romance are one thing, but connecting with another soul and really trusting them is spiritual IMO. Going through the ups and downs of marriage life either solidifies this trust or people become strangers to one another and stop communicating. Do not allow this to happen. Her trust in you has grown over the past two years of your marriage. So that says something great about your character... And she said she did not tell you before because of the reaction you are having right now. You have to make a choice here. Hold it against her, convinced you are right and eventually the marriage will be in trouble. You are exercising a level of power and control here by witholding sex and affection from your wife. The key to life is communication, forgiveness, but most of all love. Love her enough and yourself enough to keep a dialogue open on this. You can even become closer by revealing your true feelings to her. Does it have to be done in anger, or through witholding??? No. Show your vulnerability just like she did and get real. I promise you, if you keep the lines of communication open, this marriage will become stronger and stronger. Also, suspend your judgement of her and help her to explore things more fully. Good luck.

Answer 4

I can understand what you're goin through* Trust is a hard thing to get back once it's majorly broken*
This was 3 yrs ago mind you and you wernt married, and ya, maybe more things did happen but do you really want to know? You need to decide whats worth more....The relationship you've had for past 2yrs with your wife....or what happend before you got married which could end up breaking up your marriage if you can't let it go. Yes you are right..if she told y ou everything 3yrs ago, you 2 may not have been together....and you probably couldn't have handled the truth.......to her ., perhaps she knew it was wrong what she did adn knew she'd lose you if she told you., so she decided to keep it secret hoping it would never be brought up again. Now that it's out on the table....you're finding it hard to deal with. If you've already had a Long convo bout this with your wife, what more can be said to ease your pain?? Not a heck of alot. Ppl make mistakes....i'm sure you've made yours also....you need to forgive and forget or are you goin to throw away your love and feelings (sexually) for your wife ?? for what?? what she did 3yrs ago?? it's not like you were married. If it was happneing now or when you were married...you'd be asking yourself do you want to stay with your spouse or not*.........So......my advice...is tuck that away to the back of your brain and move forward with your wife to rebuild what you had before this news came out*GOODLUCK*

Answer 5

I will suggest for you to tell her how you feel, it seems like you lost her trust!! But is this really hurt you to even stop loving her/??? or you are just mad because she didn't tell you before???? How this 2 yrs of marriage have being??? you will need to think over all this and then make a desition if you are not comfortable with her and think that you will not be okay with the relationship then move on before it is too late but talk with her first... But if your love for her is HUGE and you can leave this aside then go for it don't ruin a relartionship for something that happend when you were not married !!! At least she told you better sooner than later don't you think???? So think about all this and find your answer in yiur heart and on how you feel !!! GOOD LUCK!!!

Answer 6

well, you asked and she honestly answered. did you ask her back then (remember you weren't married ...) age may be an issue here , i am not sure. Now though, she is being honest and open with what obviously could have been explosive. Don't skewer her now.... she will not be open in the future and you it will be hard for her to trust you again with anything serious. Do you really want a marriage like that?? People experiment( remember you were not married, plus maybe the age thing..) she chose you because she loves you... don't blow it .. she trusts you enough to be honest with her deepest. otherwise it won't happen again.. (speaking from experience) I say let it go. and let her know you love her. she was honest to tell you... she could have said "nothing happened" an let it go at that.

Answer 7

Trust is a two way street, for someone to be open and honest with someone they first have to trust the other isnt going to mad about what they tell them. Some things have to happen, first you have to "get over it", tell yourself this was in the past, when she was young, away on a carefree vacation. And you have to remind yourself that if you are going to ask her to be open and honest you cant go thru the roof when she does. The fact that she opened up to you should make you feel more secure and at ease. Remind yourself how lucky you are that she felt secure enough to tell you now. She may have not felt that way at the time this happened. It sounds to me like your relationship has grown in a good way.

Answer 8

Tell you wife how you feel. It' s important that you don't withdraw and push her away. Give her that chance to calm your fears. Don't become obsessed with what you don't know. Focus on what do. Do you know she loves you and you love her? Don't ask questions you can't handle the answers to. Your wife knew all along how you would react that's why she didn't tell you. Now you know it's up to you to be mature about it. Give her some credit for telling you the honest truth. If you can't get past what she did on your own I suggest some marriage counseling.

Answer 9

The two of you were still dating then. She is your wife now. What happened in the past doesn't matter. I'm sure at some point in the relationship you kept a secret or two from her. Don't ruin the next how ever many years because of one stupid little spring break incident. Was the lie so bad it is worth losing her now?

Answer 10

Well in a married relationship you need to be honest with each other. You need to tell her how you feel and don't hesitate to ask questions. In fact if the tables were turned she would probably feel the same way. Ask her to tell you everything that happened. It's better that you find out from her than by somebody else. Once you find out everything you want to know you will feel better, it's not good for you to keep it all in.