will you rate this poem 1-10? I wrote it for an e-friend's son to read at the funeral.?

Question

Chris was her son's best friend, and could not think of a start to what he wanted to say. So I wrote this to get him started.

Plans are made to happen
By
Jackie
The years passed slowly,
Or was it fast.
We made plans each day.
But we did not get to do all the things we planed.
As Chris left the house and said good by he did not know it would be forever.
When he said I will see you later he did not know he was talking to God.
But both were true.
He hit the pole and saw God’s face.
As the other kids were praying to God he was talking to him.
As we all sit here telling Chris good by, he is sitting safe in the hands of Christ.
Now we have an angle watching over us, and so does his brother.

Answer 1

Very sorry for your loss.

I'm hesitant to say anything more here, because it's apparent from the background info you wrote that this was really heartfelt, but I'm hoping, since you put it here and asked for comments, that you'd like advice on how to make it a stronger poem.

On the 1-10 scale, I'd give it a 5 or a 6, which really isn't bad for an amateur writing a poem to read at a funeral. Even seasoned professionals get a little saccharine when writing things like this.

I like the first half better than the 2nd, although the first half needs to be grounded in more imagery. For example, when you say "we did not get to do all the things we planned," you might try instead a list of key items, such as "we never repainted the living room, never waterskied in Borneo." Obviously, these are examples; use real examples from the real plans that were never finished. This will help the poem feel more real for the people who read/hear it.

The line "But both were true" I would take out entirely. When you say "he didn't know it" in the previous 2 lines, you're already implying that it's true, and restating it here doesn't add much.

For the 2nd part, I should mention up front that I come from a different faith tradition, and I can't say with certainty whether I'd react differently if I shared your beliefs. However, I would recommend cutting back a little on your description of things outside of your own experience (what your friend saw when he hit the pole, etc), or adding a little (no more than 1 or 2 lines) about why you believe or imagine it to be this way, even if it's only heart knowledge.

In the line about "as the other kids were praying," I'm a little confused about when this is. Obviously after the crash and before the service, but if there is a specific moment you mean, you should give some indication. I also would move "to God" to the end of the line, so it reads, "As the other kids were praying he was talking to God,"

In the next line I suggest changing "sit here telling" to "tell"

In the last line, fix the spelling of angel.

I'm also not sure about the "so does his brother." Is his brother included in the "us" in the first half of the line? If so, you might want to change it to something like, "his brother most of all."

Answer 2

10

Answer 3

I like the main idea, I like the flow, but there a few little bumps in the way of it sounding smooth.

"But we did not get to do..." Change to we didn't.

and you need a comma after "As the other kids were talking to God." It really needs a long pause... even if just for dramatic effect.

I don't think the last line is right. It cuts the flow off completely and just stops it... I don't feel that is appropriate because the mood of the rest of it is continuation and living on after death.

You need an ending line. Something that gives hope to something otherwise seemingly finite.

Something like. "May His spirit carry us all, until we can be together again... Someday."

Answer 4

It's quite good, I'd say a 7. The last sentence is a bit ambiguous especially the last phrase "and so does his brother". Maybe you need to work on how to combine the two phrases to give a clearer meaning.

Answer 5

A minus 10 just awful

Answer 6

Maybe a 5

Answer 7

First of all, correct the spelling. ... the things we PLANNED
... and said GOODBYE
... Chris GOODBYE
... we have an ANGEL

As for artistic merit - it's a start. I'm sure it will inspire your e-friend. We are all sad that Chris hit the pole.

Answer 8

Take out the "he hit the pole", that might be hitting a little too close to home.

Answer 9

Sorry to desipint; 1

Answer 10

that was a 10 very nice. sorry to hear such a terrible thing happened. it always seems to happen to the good people