my husband has a way of making me feel so low all the time i dont know what to do?

Question

if we have a argument he always twists what ive said or done prior to the argument so that it always is my falt weather its money religion the kids just at my wits end with his childish behaviur and need some words of encouragement on how to handle the situation

Answer 1

Try not to argue with him. Kill him with kindness

Answer 2

Sometimes people who belittle others do so because they feel belittled in some other sphere of their life. Is he made to feel inferior at work and therefore transposes this into your homelife? Perhaps you need to ask him this, maybe at the risk of another row, but this is often the case - he feels emasculated so he has to make you feel as awful as him.

Why don't you try playing him at his own game? If an argument is in the offing, work out what you want to say before it starts and get all your thoughts together to rebut whatever he comes out with.

Other than that, this sounds like a really destructive and soul-destroying way to live. If you confront him with how rotten he makes you feel, this may shock him into realisation. He probably doesn't even realise he's doing it half the time. You will feel so much better for getting it off your chest.

Answer 3

He is obviously playing mind games with you, by making YOU feel guilty about something HE has done. They are his own insecurities he needs to resolve and he is trying to convince you that all the wrong is because of you. Men are very simple human beings who think they know it all.

Wait couple of days and then when he comes begging after you, you calmly tell him that treating you like this is going nowhere, that you don't deserve this and ask him how he would feel if you did the same to him? But remember only do this when you are absolutely sure that he realised what an idiot he's been.

Ask him whether this is the way he imagines his love for you?

If he doesn't change let him go.

It worked for me. It took a long time, but now, my husband knows that I have overlooked his games and doesn't do it anymore. He knows he has to talk instead of abuse.

Good luck

Answer 4

The man who is always right. He's insecure and childish. Was he like this when you were dating him? Maybe he couldn't win an argument as a child....or maybe one of his parents did this with him. Hard to say. Best to sit down and talk to him. If you are worried that he will start twisting itback on you why don't you try writing down all your feelings in a letter explaining how this is making you feel and leave it for him to read and digest by himself. If he isn't willing to talk to you in an adult way about the letter then maybe marriage guidance or a counsellor will help. At any rate you can't go through the rest of your life married to him doing this.

Answer 5

Sounds like you are both having communication problems. Offer him a solution to fighting by taking the time and putting in an honest effort to learning to communicate. find some books on communication (my fav is Men are from Mars and Women are from Venus). Get two copies and read the chapters together and discuss them.

Forgot the rest of my post. If he is unwilling to try this or you see this pattern continuing then it is him being abusive. I do not agree that this form of arguing is automatically being abusive. It is simply easier when the other person is always wrong. But if he refuses to try and learn to communicate or even to talk about it then he is making a conscious effort to be this way and that is abusive.

Good luck!

Don't Fight! communicate

Answer 6

Two things, hon.

There are ways to get your issues out there, but you probably have had no training in it. Read the book "The Assertive Option" --- the classic in learning to negotiate.. Still used in counseling classes, because no one has ever written one better.... in paperback, cheap on Amazon, can be yours by Saturday.

And the childishness of switching issues in the middle of a discussion is discusses here, in ways where no one gets their feelings hurt.

If all this is just grinding on your marriage, a few sessions in counseling would help as well, even if you are the only one who goes. People who always blame others usually have very low self esteem, according to my family counselor friend --- they trounce on you (or anyone) to raise themselves higher.

Hope this helps.

Answer 7

Marriages for the most part are worth sticking with, so you are going to need to be the grownup here as he is not playing fair in the fight department. He is using the words that hurt to make you cow down to him. it is the only way he can make himself feel better about himself.
So next time this starts up, and he starts in tell him that as your wife you are willing to listen to what he has to say if it is reasonable and does not hurt you . verbal abuse by him will no longer be talerated and past mistakes are not to be brought up cause no one is perfect. Leave the room, take a walk what ever, you can always hold a recorder in your pocket and play it back for him later to show him what he says and good for the judge to hear if needed later.

Answer 8

Typical man. It's a pride thing. He does this because he knows he is wrong. Don't let it be your fault. Don't fall for that crap. My husband and I started going to a marriage counselor. Of course, like the typical man, he quit. I learned this. When he does this, don't scream or get emotionally shaken, they can sense this, likek wolves sense fear. Throw reason at him. They can't handle this. Look him straight in the eye and let him know your opinion matters just as much as his and this is something you feel strongly about no matter what he thinks. Look him right in the eye and tell him he doesn't have to like every decision you make. Just don't back down and be calm. I know, it's harder than it sounds. My example, my husband used to get mad at me because he said I was too thin, seriously. He would tell me I looked like a meth addict and that I was going to make our daughter anorexic (which I'm not by the way, I'm just smaller than I was when we met, and he likes "fuller" girls, but I'm in a healthy weight range). He always turned parenting arguments around on this when I would say he should spend more time with our daughter. I finally told him to get off my back about it. He was the one who always wanted me to feel more confident in my appearance, and I now feel good about myself, and he doesn't have to like everything I do. I also said, "I wish you would tell me I look nice once in a while, but so much for wishing." He actually respects me now.

Answer 9

Please remember this and think about it so you truly believe it.

No other person can make us feel low or bad unless we give our permission. Regardless of what they say or how much we value their opinion we still have to give our okay for them to make us feel bad.

When arguing with him only say what you truly mean or feel......never color the truth to make yourself look good. If you do that there should be no way he can twist your words to put something back on you.

Next time you argue and he tries this tell him that you are sick of his childish behavior....when he is ready to discuss this as an adult let you know and then walk away.

Answer 10

I would call him on it. Ask him not to turn the blame around on you and keep the focus on the issue. Try not to accuse him of something that may or may not be his fault, he may think you are attacking him and so he tries to put the blame on someone else. Express to him how what he does makes you feel when you're not arguing and let him know that you want to fight fair. Communication is very important in any relationship, and can help to relieve any anger or grudges that he may be holding against you.

Answer 11

want to give him a bargaining chip, that he can't refuse? you said in this question that he makes you feel..... that's all that needs to be there. print this question and all of the many answers for him to read. once he sees that other people think that what he's doing is wrong, then there's a chance he'll wake up. I hope things work out for you, we're in the same boat, and i'm almost positive it's not going to work for us. good luck, and try counseling if you're up to it, but if you're not, then thats okay too. you have the right to be just as selfish and opinionated as he does. it's your opinion that he's a jerk. it's your perogative to have the opinions that you have, AND NO ONE can take your thoughts and opionions from you. let them flourish. :)

good luck.