In law question?

Question

My wife and I separated for awhile about 4 months ago because we were arguing a lot and she moved in with her brother and his wife at the spur of the moment. We went to marriage counseling and got a lot of issues out in the open. Since then though I have this nagging feeling that she gave up and that she will leave again. I’m having a hard time trusting her when she says she won’t leave again. I also don’t trust her family since while apart she bad mouthed me to everyone (she’s no angel either). Now every time she wants to go to her brother’s or her parents want to come down, she expects me to be like “hey great”. But I’m thinking to myself “I don’t like these people. They judge me now like I’m no good for their daughter or sister”. However they don’t know the crap I had to put up with from my wife either (actually they know how she is but everyone is afraid of her outbursts so they cater to her). My wife plays the poor me role very well and because of my step daughter, she uses her as a shield to say “well it’s not good for her” even though she’s the one that starts the yelling usually! My wife’s mother even told me that my step daughter is used to the yelling from my wife but now because we’re fighting it’s not good for her daughter….so what the heck changed if she was used to her mother yelling? Now’s she’s just yelling at me. I feel like I’m getting railroaded and I don’t trust my wife’s family anymore to give her the right advice. As a matter of fact, I don’t want any part of them now since they just didn’t say to her “shut up. You’re married. Deal with it and you’re not running to us”. Now everytime I see them, I feel inferior because of the bad mouthing I got and I hate that my wife got them involved in the first place. Thing is no amount of marriage counseling is going to get rid of this feeling I have. How do I get over this and how can I trust my wife isn’t going to do something stupid like this again (even though she says she’s not)? And how do I trust that her family is giving her the right advice and not just trying to drive us apart? Also, I don’t like them so how can I politely say to my wife “I don’t like your family, you can go but I don’t want anything to do with them?” They are one of these families that put on this super family act in public then look down on you when in fact they are very abusive to each other in private. Funny thing is her family is made up of teachers, counselors, and such and it drives me nuts. They seem to be the last people who should be in these careers!

Answer 1

Trust is earned NOT given because of the players. Sit her down and be honest with her and take it from there.

Answer 2

Even tougher that the in-laws are in the counseling field...as said already, trust is earned..period...
Be honest with your wife. Be upfront and honest..if she gets upset and rants, then you have your answer..as your wife, she should be more understanding...but if she's not on your "side" she is no friend to you... If she still has a problem and you cannot work this out, then maybe you should go your own way...I can tell by the length and depth of your question that you are truly torn and confused...
My husband's former in-laws were a lot like this, and helped to bring down his marriage..(of course, not the only reason...but familial confict adds to the pressure of an already shaky marrriage)...sounds also like you step-daughter needs to be moved to an environment that is more loving and less hostile...it will surely be bad for her to grow up like this...even really good kids can get screwed up when they are subjected to all that negativity. Good luck my friend...

Answer 3

Talk about being Shrek married into a royal family. You dont stand a chance here in her family. The damage has been done and I dont think mankind will be around long enough to fix this one. Counseling can probably help you deal with your personal feelings but wont with the in law scene, especially since your wife helped make it. Your best bet here is definitely to cut your losses and move on, hopefully someday to someone who will appreciate you. Also I think your feelings will change once your a long way away from this family. Youre only going to destroy yourself staying here and its just not worth that. Her family will always be a huge thorn in your side no matter what you do with your wife. Blood is definitely stronger here. So run and dont look back. Good luck

Answer 4

This is not unusual. Your problem is mostly letting them get to you. First of all I am a Mother-in-law and my daughter has done the same thing as your wife, except for moving in with another relative, her father-in-law came and removed his son from the house.

I know my son-in-law is aware that my daughter held nothing back when they seperated. She yells and screams at the 2 kids constantly and (my thoughts only) since she's 5 years older than him she yells at him too. It is her nature and her way, she has always been this way even as a child. Sometimes I feel sorry for my son-in-law because of the way she acts, but he married her and I think he should put his foot down and be head of the household, I do not mean physical violence. I think he should just tell her this is the way it is, how it's going to be, and if she disagrees she can make her own way in life. I know both of them were/are at fault in their marriage and I try to stay out of their business, I do not like it when she bad mouths him because I truely believe she loves him and it is just venting her anger at someone. On the flip side, when the trouble happened and she had to call his Dad to remove him from the house because he distroyed so much, she was the one to get bad mouth from his family. They called her names and talked about her to a lot of different people that had no business know their business. She doesn't like to go visit them and she had a hard time seeing them over Christmas because of what all was said about her. But, I told her "you don't live with them, you live with your husband and hold your head up because only little people talk about others. Everyone has problems in a marriage, I'm sure they have had them too. If they should say anything to you...leave. Let them bring him home if he won't go with you. But whatever, don't appologise to them, it was none of their business to begin with and it still is none of their business." My advise to you, ignore them. It's your life you and your wife have to make the best of it as you can, if the problems are to great to overcome, leave, her little one will adjust . Life's to short to spend it argueing and fighting all the time.

Answer 5

Sounds like you still need to be in counseling, even without her. Are you sure you want to be in this relationship? Why stay where you are not happy? Trust is very important in a relationship and if you don't have it, it is hard to have a good relationship. I would keep up with the counseling for your own sanity and to help you through the process of whether you want to stay or go.

Good luck!

Answer 6

I will admit that i did not read this whole thing. Right about the part where you started trying to convinence me of your position I stopped.

Now then. You have a trust issue that you feel cannot be fixed. Your marriage cannot survive with out trust soooo. You need to fix it or you need to move on. However, sounds like the fighting has not ended from the first seperation.

Seek help!

Don't fight! Communicate.

Answer 7

You are being judgmental on your in-laws......You didn't marry them and you can keep your distance......That family has seen the hardship that your wife went through before you got there so you need to be patient with them. She is running out of Fear and she doesn't believe that you are really a kind man deep down.....She is afraid of letting her heart go into your hands because she doesn't fully trust you.......BEEN THERE DONE THAT!!!!! I left and I came back and confessed my Fear and we have been HEALTHY ever since......Your choice.......

Answer 8

She'll do it again, for that is her and her family's style. Find somewhere to go every time you know you might get stuck with them. My guy does the dishes etc. or goes to the store etc. till they are gone. Holidays we go on vacation. Please at least you should get help and as for her family send them a coupon for a free 1 hour session!!!!