I heard a noise in my loft last night and when I went to check, there was a bear up there. What do I do now?

Question

The council don't wanna know

Answer 1

Leave a trail of honey from your loft into the garden and change all your door handles for door Knobs. The bear will follow the trail of honey and when hes outside shut the door, as bears don't have thumbs he wont be able to open the door because he cant twist the newly fitted door knob and will move to the nearest house with a door handle he can push down to open the door simple. I cant believe you didn't think of this yourself its standard bear evacuation and prevention methods. Apparently they have an infestation of bears in the Birmingham area at the moment and B&Q are selling door knobs faster than they can get them on the shelves.

Answer 2

Invite the bear down to the dining room for a bowl of porridge. If he likes it, he might want to bring his family over for a party. The neighbours can be invited and told it's a fancy-dress occasion, but not to dress as bears, as this might cause some jealousy and excitement for the real bears.
I guess a pickup truck conversion would work for bear transport to the shops and swimming pool. As far as clothes are concerned, you could dress them like the Rupert Bear family.

Now, domestic arrangements might be complicated, but once the kids are off their hands, and at school, the Mummy and Daddy Bears can help with housework and car maintenance.

Answer 3

Do you know, this happened to me once. It was a chuffing big bear too, not one of your scrawny little baby bears. God knows how it got in. Anyway, I thought if I left it alone it might just wander off during the night. But the next day when i looked it had bought another bear in. I asked them politley to leave but they just laughed. Before I knew it the whole thing had gotten out of hand. The house is full of bears now and I'm living in the shed. And the noise! Those bears never stop partying! So take the advice of one who knows. Nip this bear business in the bud now before you end up in the shed too!

Answer 4

During one of our club hunts, I remember over-hearing a father giving advice to his son: The father told the boy that should he ever encounter a bear face-to-face, he must shoot the animal with his shotgun. "But father, what if the gun should misfire," asked the lad. "You should remain still, and give the bear an opportunity to smell your scent, perhaps satisfying the bear's curiosity, and sometimes the bear will actually turn and walk away," replied his father. Dad went on to say, "If however, the bear stares into your eyes, begins to growl lowly and move closer, you should ease back, turn, and quickly run away as fast as you can." Listening intently, the boy then asked his father a question. "But father, what should I do if the bear starts to run after me, surely I can't out-run the bear." His father nodded in agreement and then said, "son, in that case reach around, put your hand down the back-side of your pants, get a handful of feces and throw them in the bear's eyes so he can't see you." The boy pondered over this peice of advice, and with a quizzical look on his face he anxiously asks, "but father, how do I know for sure that there will be feces in my pants." Dad gave him a reassuring smile and said, "if you run into a bear in the woods and your gun misfires, trust me son, there will be feces in there..."

I'm not sure this helps you or not, but good luck...

Answer 5

The council knows the bear is in your imagination.

Answer 6

1. Notify the police, 2. or the SPCA. 3. DO NOT approach the bear!

Answer 7

Get a pet skunk. Or an owl. Its staring should annoy the bear into leaving.

Answer 8

Ask the bear if it's name is Rupert and does it like honey sandwiches for tea.

Answer 9

ask the bear for rent for staying up there and if he refuses kick the lazy hairy stingy bastard out on the street. give him one week to get his act together and keep the noise down.

Answer 10

Perhaps he wants to invite you to a teddy bears picnic...lol