Did I do right by asking for my money and the gifts during our relationship with my ex?

Question

I have been going thru a really messy breakup with my bf. We actually broke off 2 months ago, since we didnt have a future together (we are both guys and were living in) and he recently dumped for a girl. It was really tough on me since I had helped him with money, which I needed for my new home. He said he was leaving town for a month in Dec and I kept in touch with him thru txt messages. He came back on 2nd Jan and spent a night with me (everything but sex since he was committed to someone else) and left with a promise to be friends forever. After he left, he has been promising the money. I recd his phone bills and bank statements which showed he didnt leave town and was lying to everyone including his family, friends and me. When I asked him, he said he had problems to deal with and all he owed was money which he will return soon. I got so pissed off that he was treating me like a money lender and didnt respect my feelings. So, I asked him to return everything that I ever gave him..

When he came to see meday before, I just wanted to know why did he lie to me about being out of town and he finally told me that his new gfs sister had an abortion and attempted suicide, so he had to take up a place away from everyone else and lie to his family about him being out of town. Somehow, I didnt know what to believe or trust anymore about what he was saying or doing....coz he broke my heart, trust and was treating me like a money lender. Finally, I asked him return everything I ever gave him back....and he started to cry saying that was the best solution. Yesterday he messaged to say he was returning all the money this week, but asked me not to call him coz I was mentally disturbing him...I didnt want to lose him ever as a friend and want him to keep everything I gave him and asked him to come and see me so we can sort this. But he is adamant about returning everything and be done with me...I love this man too much....Did I do the right thing? Will I overcome the guilt?

Just one more thing. We lived in together for 3 years and i know that he and i really loved each other...But yesterday I also found out that while I was out of town on business, he used to visit a married woman and take money for sex...I am so disgusted....Its completely illogical to love him anymore, but how do I become the bad person and do all these things? I was never like this...I was always giving...but now it just seems like he never loved me....He is also about 9 years younger to me...I am 34 and he is 25.

Answer 1

That hurts. Sorry for your greif, but I feel that you definitely are doing the right thing. You don't want to drag this out. If you really ever loved this guy at all, let it go. Let him go. If the loan wasn't written (it was an oral agreement) or a substantial amount, let that go to, because there is no court that will rule in your favor if there is any question that these things and money might have been normal gifts in a relationship. Do the right thing for yourself, material items are replaceable, you and your mental health, however are not. Make the healthiest decision you can for yourself. Good luck, be strong, I know it's hard.

Answer 2

Hello Dear ~ Your girlfriend really is just a girl, isn't she? If she was a mature, grown up woman, she would understand that not every relationship is going to work out, and that the more she grouses about it, spamms everyone and makes a big deal about it, it reflects badly ON HER more than on you. For this reason, I would just be as silent towards her as possible, and move on. You owe her n o t h i n g. She's bitter, she's pissy and she's being ridiculous. If you have no contact with her whatsoever, eventually her friends and her family will work on her, calm her down, tell her what a vindictive, ranting baby she's being, and she'll get over it - eventually. ZERO contact. No answers to her texts. No emails. No phone calls. No facebook. Tell your friends and your family that you want them to not read anything she sends them, or to answer her calls. She's a baby, and it's good that you know it now. You don't owe her anything, hon. Love, Auntie P.S. You might THINK TWICE about any kind of relationship that requires tandem bill paying, unless you're ready to put a ring on her hand and call her The Mrs. Until that happens, be independent. If that means you don't date as much for a while because you're establishing yourself in your career, then GOOD. Maybe it will give you some time to be better able to spot the babies before you get emotionally invested next time.

Answer 3

I don't know how much money you lent him. If it is a lot, like over 6 thousand dollars, you should get an attorney or a vato to get it back for you. Did he sign an agreement, an I.O.U or give you some type of collateral for the loan? Did you write a check or give cash? Do you have access to the bank statement showing the loan was deposited into his account? Get his social security number. Stay pissed off.
In order to get your money, you will have to spend some money. You know he will keep giving you the run around. And do you really want to deal with this piece ofshit? Plus he sounds like a flight risk. The next time you call him, tell him he has 2 weeks to get the money together or sizable down payment and pay you. After 2 weeks, you will then have a lawyer acting on your behalf.

Answer 4

i know that ur hurt and mad all at the same time but that is wrong u can't ask for everything that you had ever given him back..... u gave those things to him while you were together and why would u want them back all it would do is make u think of him all the time... i say just let him keep it and move on with ur life...... now the money is a different thing.... if it was only lent to him then he owes u that.....
its nice that u guys want to be friends but it never really works that way .... i think that's a bad idea all in itself.
I'm sorry to say but if ur not the only one that he owes money to then i wouldn't count on ever getting it back.... unless u take him to court... Life tosses us hard ball every so often, its up to us if we;ll hit or miss....meaning learn from it or not.

I hope everything works out for u and don't worry u'll find happiness and love again.

Answer 5

For most people when they give gifts there are no strings attached. For you gifts are conditional, they must be returned when the person stops doing what you want.

That's a little controlling, but I guess it's ok, as long as you let people know beforehand that you are like this. Be sure to tell new guys you date that if things don't work out you made a list of all the presents you gave them. Maybe they'll just keep them in a box instead of using them, or after they recieve the gift they could give it to you to "hold" for them so in case you get mad you can save time trying to get it back.

PS: If men did this a breakup would clean most women out.

Answer 6

Unfortunately, a gift is a gift and you don't have the right to ask for them back. As far as the money goes, unless you have it in writing, it would be hard to prove that too, was not a gift. I understand your plight, but my suggestion would be cut your losses and try to let go. This person has lied to you, whether he had good reasons or not, you were supposed to be someone he could trust with the truth, no matter what the truth should be. Also, it's a federal offense to open another person's mail. Please be careful, this could get very ugly.

Answer 7

I don't think you should have asked for those things back. They were gifts from you to him. Not to take back.
I understand if he owed you money or if you bought him a car or something....
But if you bought him a car then that should have been your fist clue right? Lol my mom went through the same thing, very messy.
Well, I hope all works well with you.

Answer 8

Think about everything you gave him . At the time you gave him these things were they given with any conditions ? If not then I see them as his . Best to cut your your losses and move on .

Answer 9

You need to write the person off. I wouldn't worry about him returning anything back to you; he owes to many people and has to many issues he probably can't even deal with. Send him off and don't welcome him back; I've had friends like that before and tried to come back and they did the same things all over again. It just isn't worth it =(

Answer 10

You did right, it may seem childish but it will get the message across that he just can't use you as a stepping stone and discard you after he is finished with you.