Difficult marriage question.?

Question

My wife and I met and married very quickly. Problem is I have kids and a crazy ex. wife and she has a daughter from a failed relationship from her past and has parents that she’s had problems with (they either love each other or hate each other and I made the mistake of getting in the middle of it when we first met). When we first met, I was my wife’s savior over her family who apparently treated her like crap and never understood her (according to her). As the marriage progressed my wife was very needy. If I didn’t return her call right away, she would get extremely irritated with me. Then problems started happening with blending the family and my ex. wife and her problems with being really needy and her family. My wife kind of wigged out and it was like she didn’t know what she was getting herself into with a blended family situation. She made up with her family when we started having problems and attached to them like glue (even though in the beginning they were horrible to her according to her). Now they kiss her butt and she seems very attached to them and has distanced herself a little from our life and positioned herself with her family somewhat. Now they are always there for her when in the beginning they were crap to her. Now guess who’s crap? Me. She now talks to her mom every day and her mother I don’t think liked that she got married because she lost control and I think her mom is manipulating her to get her back in her control by just kissing her butt. Because of our problems (which seem normal when you’re first married) I feel like I’ve lost her to her family and she looks to them for comfort more than me. I’m starting to get the feeling that she thinks she made a mistake and marriage is tougher than she thought but doesn’t know how to get out of it even though she says she loves me and this and that. However she’s very critical now of me and she used to get extremely worried that I would leave her. Now it’s like she doesn’t care if she lost me. How do I get her to wake up and untie the apron strings and grow up and accept what she married into and how do I get her to realize that she needs to get her family out of the picture and be married? She claims she was a very independent single mom but I doubt that now. I feel deceived and used just because she needed someone when I first met her to get her over her crisis with her family. Now it’s like I’m not the most important thing even though I was there for her every second of the day. Now other people are and I’ve been tossed aside. Am I reading too much into this? It doesn’t seem normal. What’s going on in her head? Any ladies care to try and figure out what’s going on in her head for me? I’m stumped. I feel like she could pick up and just leave any minute when in the beginning she couldn’t stand to not be away from me for more than a few hours.

Answer 1

You have diagnosed your problem real well here. Now the really big question is where do you want to go from here. You have done everything for her but yet she runs to her family. The thing now is youre tearing yourself apart with all this stress. You cant keep on living your life for her if shes this unappreciative of you. I think you know that there is little chance here of breaking this family bond no matter what you do. Even if you do "get" her back,how long before the cycle starts all over again. Maybe its time to just cut your losses and move on in hopes that someday you will meet someone who will greatly appreciate all you do for her. I realize its hard to leave someone but you just cant keepon going this way. Youre not doing yourself or her or anyone else any good. But only you can decide whats best for you but devise a Plan B and be ready because I think you know whats going to happen anyway already. Good luck

Answer 2

I see two challenges:

1. In "meeting and marrying very quickly," you didn't have a real opportunity to get to know her or see her operating in the dysfunctional family dynamic. I'm sure you would have thought twice about marrying her had you been involved longer.

2. She had so many issues coming into your relationship that you couldn't possibly overcome.

It's frustrating for you to be on the sidelines and seeing all these things going on. You need to consider if your marriage has any real chance of survival. Not only should you consider marriage counseling but individual counseling for her. She may not be willing to go and you'll have to decide if this marriage is worth the work; you can't do it on your own.

Finally, think about you and your kids. Do they need to be exposed to this craziness? You've given up friends and your life to deal with this. Has it been worth it? What have you gained in return? Usually I'd tell someone to pull out all the stops before you give up on your marriage, but I think there was too much to overcome from the onset.

Answer 3

u really didn't get to know her that well, thought u were saving her. anyway she feels insecure about the ex and the other family, and doesn't like the attention they get, as at first u put her first, she was your main priority, now she is feeling insecure, listening to her mom, and believing every thing she is being told. she resents the attention the other family is getting, wants u all for herself, selfish really. she doesn't want the blended family, only her family. can't change a selfish person, or a person who doesn't want any problems to work out, in life there will always be problems from time to time. u probably needed to look at things prior to marriage, instead it made u feel great and more, when u saved her, but some people we just can't save. because it is just who they are, and eventually u are going to get tired of all this drama, and her family. she wants u there for her, but doesn't want the other family in your life.

Answer 4

I think you need to have serious words with her. Make her realise he commitment she made by marrying you and remind her why she did it in the first place. Ask her why she is behaving like this. In the meantime you may have to realise that her family may always be in her life , the bond of blood relations are for most people unbreakable. Nevertheless you don't have to be put with ill treatment because of this. Worse came to worse , ask for a trial seperation , this may force her to see what she is missing and how much you mean to her.

Answer 5

It sounds like you made a mistake when you married your wife so soon after meeting her. You didn't really take the time to get to know her, and now that you do, you don't like what you got. I don't know if your marriage can be saved. Only you know that. The thing you most need to focus on now is the children involved in this mess. Yours and hers. None of them asked to be involved in this, and it might be best for them if the marriage ends. If you do get divorced again, please, please, please don't get married again. Your kids will suffer every time. Good luck.

Answer 6

My husband and I got married after being together and knowing eachother for only 3mons and then started a family right away. If you fell like she ignoring you and that she doesnt want you around sit her down one nite when everyone is in bed and talk to her. Tell her how you feel. If she isnt understanding and doesn't want to listen....tell her that you dont want to be anyone who doesnt want to be with you. You want to be happy. Try a second honeymoon.

Answer 7

sounds like she had problems with her family when she met you so she counted on you for support. now shes having problems with you so she made up with her family so she can turn to them for support. all she is doing is looking for her support outside of whoever is giving her problems at the time. she needs counseling to learn how to deal with her problems, not run from them. she if she will go to counseling with you....if not, shes going to keep jumping around.

Answer 8

You can't change her. "How do I get her to untie the apron strings?" You don't. She is who she is. Make yourself into the person you want to be, because, ultimately, that is all you have control over.

Answer 9

You droned on so much I lost sight of the question