relationship in downward spiral....I don't know what to do anymore?

Question

All right...I'm 21 my fiancee is 28, we met Jan '05 (19 and 26), instant connection. We were best friends, couldn't get enough of each other. We loved spending time with each other. Hanging out watching tv or a game was amazing, we didn't feel the need to go out all the time. Were comfortable just being together. Whenever we would leave each other at night or first meet up together on a new day we would always give each a kiss, "I love you" came without a problem, we could talk about anything including what we wanted for us in the future with full agreement or minor compromises, and we had teriffic sex (he was my first in that department).In August '05 we purchased a house together. He was working, and that spring I finished an associates degree in engineering and was working also. When we moved in we were busy with repairs and remodeling, we were exhausted after working all day and then coming home and working on the house, but we were still loving every minute of it. I had been living at home prior, and while he had moved out when he was 18, he had to stop work for a shoulder injury and operation and had been living with his mother for almost a year while that was being taken care of, so he loved having his own place. We got along great, joked around, had long heart to heart talks, still had amazing sex, and were just loving being together. On Christmas he proposed. I knew it was coming, we had talked before buying the house that we wanted to get married. We also talked and agreed about kids, my future plans to get my bachelors nights once I was settled in a job, his plan to restore a muscle car and have room for atvs. To buy the house I also had to sell my horse. Which was very painful for me, but I knew it had to be done. We also agreed that I would have one again in the future. But we could certainly have a cat or dog in the meantime. He has a rocky past. His father died when he was young. And he was in trouble with the law a couple times when he was a late teen (stolen property and vandalism). Things were going good into that spring ('06), and then it all just stopped. He would start to brush off a good night kiss, would roll away from me at night and not want any part of me to touch him, we had gotten a cat shortly after Christmas which he out of the blue declared had to stay outside from now on and was not allowed inside. I'd go outside to feed it and he would get extremely mad, say that I spend more time with a stupid cat than with him. During this spring he also started to swear at me quite a bit, which he had never done. We both have a sarcastic sense of humor, but it started to become not funny. We also stopped having sex. I would try to initiate it, and he would brush me off everytime, until I started to just not bother. I have depression. He has known that since the beginning, and became less frequent when we were together. We went months without any sex. Then he would out of the blue initiate it. And I'd go along, it was contact with him. But it would be fast, rough, and I would feel further away from him than ever. But our relationship was starting to wreak havoc on my self esteem, which was fairly shaky to begin with. I know that a relationship cannot stay in that puppy love stage. I fully expected it to sort of drop off, mellow out, and just kind of become "comfortable", for lack of a better word. Like a favorite pair of jeans. But there wasn't a transitional period. It was best of friends, lovers....to roommates who don't get along. My job had also been looking in increasing jeapordy around this time. I worked for a small company and work was not coming in and a few people had already been laid off. I began throwing out resumes just in case so was becoming very stressed at home. He was also having a hard time at his job due to some very corrupt management and there was talk of many people planning to quit, him included. It was not a healthy work environment for him. I told him to look around for a new job if he wanted to leave, and that if he decided to quit I would support his decision. We were/are living somewhat paycheck to paycheck, but are living within our means. We have a small nest egg so money would definately be tight, but we would manage. Before I found a new job, I was laid off. 2 weeks later management laid off half the staff at his work, including him. We were both tossing out resumes and applications everywhere. The employment situation where we live is very bad and we could not find open positions. About a month later we each got a job. Me working as an engineer for the state, and him working for a local town, plowing, etc. After his day at work he came home with a kitten for me. Everything was suddenly back to how we were at the beginning. We'd snuggle up on the couch, play games, he'd sneak me kisses, we could say I love you, and just be friendly and warm with each other. We had sex all the time. And then he was off again. He threw the kitten outside one night after an argument. I told him it would die (it had never set foot outside yet) and threw on a pair of shoes to go out and get it. He locked the door and did not let me back in. I took a walk down the trail behind our house, cried a lot, and came back about 2 hours later. The door was unlocked. The kitten was never seen again. And he never apologized. Whenever we have a fight I apologize, I always end up making it feel like it is my fault. He has verbally abused me on several occasions, thrown objects at me, and mentioned during arguments that this was a mistake and he doesn't want to marry me. Sometimes I'm scared what our relationship will be like if I do. I have picked up a second job evenings to pay for tuition (my full time job will pay half)and have enrolled for a class. He was always fully supportive of my decisions to continue my education, and has mentioned recently that he is proud of me for doing it. Which means the world to me. But I also got yelled at by him for not having laundry folded and put away the other night, and other trivial things. I'm working 16 hours a day, manage to keep the house clean, dishes done, grocery shopping up to date, dinners prepared a few nights a week so he only has to heat it up, and I was being made to feel so tiny over a load of laundry still being in the dryer not taken care of. I went to bed and cried. He works hard at his job and is tired when he comes home. There is always stuff to be done at home or bills to be paid. He can escape somewhat or pound out some frustration on his 4-wheeler. I work, go to the other job, study for class, and do housework. Today is the first day we have seen each other awake in almost a week. The first day neither of us has had to work in a while. I got rejected for a kiss in the morning. And we fought all day long. I'm just not sure what to do. I don't know how to fix this. I've brought up counseling. He said he would be open to it. But when I mentioned I found a couple good people he kaboshed the idea. This is somewhat of a disjointed message. It takes two people to make a good relationship, so it also takes two people to mess it up. But I can't do things for him, and I don't know what I should be doing on my end. I'm getting real nervous for the future, we have talked about children a couple years down the road. He can't handle a cat, let alone a horse, let alone a child. And unless we can get any sort of support and decency back in our relationship we certainly can't bring a kid into it. I hope you all can follow this post. Any help or advice would be soo appreciated.

Answer 1

I read about 3/4 of this.
He's an abuser - emotional and now physically abuse a defenseless cat and kitten.
I guarantee if you stay with this guy he will end up knocking you around and then your kid at some point.
He is not worth it and he has serious issues.
Try to meet with a counselor at a women's center for some much needed advice. In the meantime try to get some "space" from him and don't intentionally try to provoke him. It sounds like he has anger management issues. What were his parents like at home?
Knowing what I know today and if it were me in your shoes, I'd be walking the other way and never look back.

Answer 2

Hun, the fact that he could be this way unprovoked is scary to say the least. You deserve better. He has a troubled history that is finally rearing its ugly head. It's only going to get worse.

Here's what I see. The guy does his best to commit and compromise all this time until he finally proposes. Now that he feels that he has you unconditionally knowing that it isn't easy for you to leave, he begins to abuse you. Either he's taking other stress out on you, or this is really how he has been the whole time. Either way, it's not good for you to endure.

You need to let him know that you are an "equal" partner in this relationship that can end it anytime. If I were you, I'd leave as soon as you are able to. Go back to your parents. Make him win your trust back. It should be clear that a second chance is rare and should be taken seriously. Watch that new movie out (The Last Kiss). Even though the situation is different, it's still relevant regarding the level of trust in any relationship. He should be feeling like that guy at the end of the movie when you're done with him!
:)

Answer 3

ok i read the whole thing because if i took the time to write that i would obviously want SOMEONE to read it so they could give me advise. with that being said, this is very complicated. you could make it easy and say just leave. but thats easy to say when you're not the one in the relationship. only you will know when you've had enough and it's time to end the relationship. if he is willing to go to counseling then i think that is a great idea. you mentioned that you suffer from depression. that alone is not an easy thing to deal with. i know very well as my mom suffers severely from it. if you two cannot work this out together or through counseling then i believe you should leave. it has been 2 (or a little more) years of your life which is a long time, however if you stay with him for 5 more...or 10...or 20...it may not get any better. you only have 1 life and you deserve to be happy while you live it. i truely hope it works out for you and good luck

Answer 4

Sorry to hear about your issue with this person. I know what your going through, having been married myself and now divorced, I know this road your traveling down. I think counseling is a wonderful idea, but both parties have to engage and want it to resolve these isssues, if not, then it won't work. DO NOT GET MARRIED UNTIL THESE ISSUES ARE RESOLVED. THE BEST THING YOU CAN DO IS TO DISCUSS AND TALK A "MARRIAGE" (THE NEXT 30 YEARS OF YOUR LIFE WITH THIS PERSON)BEFORE YOU EVEN TALK ABOUT A (60 MINUTE CERIMONY)WEDDING. Honesty from both parties is a must. If you feel he's not being honest, then call him on it. Maybe not living together is the best thing for you or him. I have lost of women friends that make poor choices when it comes to men. One of the main thing that I always stress, it that, I tell them that they must love themselves before someone else will love them. Your on the right track with buy a house and getting it together. I would tell you to finish school, them, maybe talk about a marriage. Finish school, get your degree, then find someone to share your life with. If he will support your decision and is willing to hang around until you finish school, then I would talk about what you want in a marriage from him and come to agreement that you both can be happy with.
.....PS--Don't every let him cuss at you and degrade you, that is totally disrespectful and a deal breaker for any relationship.

Answer 5

Wow, I am really sorry this has happened. You know in your heart he is cruel. Please do not stay with him. Sell the house. He cannot refuse to sell it if you own it as "joint tenants." There are so many good, worthy men who would be a good husband for you and are good father material. Disengage from this guy. No one who would put a helpless kitten out to die is a decent person, especially since it was done to hurt you. He is cruel. Plan it out and get disengaged in an organized way so you have your finances organized and don't have to depend on him. If necessary get a lawyer. Seriously. Don't wait too long.

Answer 6

You need a friend right now. I can relate to many of the things that you have written here and would love to chat if you're up to it.. Email me back and leave me a phone number or an email address for you. I', 31, have been married for over 10 years, divorced and am very happy with the man who makes my dreams come true every day. I'm no expert, but I'm here for you if you need me. cogirl1129yahoo.com

Answer 7

Life is tough at times for different reasons. Sounds like yours has been too tough for too long now.

It sounds like he possibly is doing drugs with the 180 degree turnabout in his behavior. Or perhaps he is bi-polar. No matter what it is it doesn't sound like you can trust your heart to a person like this.

Search your soul, read and understand how the serenity prayer applies to your life. We aren't responsible for someones happiness and they aren't responsible for ours. You have given it your all, it takes two, to be willing to work things out, it sounds like you are the only one willing at this point. Get yourself counseling, don't let this destroy the good work you have done on yourself.

Bless you

Answer 8

sorry but I'm with Mick Dreamy on that. Whatever, I'll buy the rope.

Answer 9

Leave him and leave him now