What should this father do?

Question

This is on behalf of a friend of mine His 23 yo daugther has avoided him for 10 years. She was doing bad stuff, was disrespectful and he spanked her. Today she's a great young biologist, a sweet heart, but has never made up w/ him. She wrote him off, though he did his best to get her back, except apologize. He thinks he was right in spanking her. Should he keep trying or give up, at least for now?

Answer 1

He did everything except what really counts. If he hasn't acknowledged that he knows he injured her and sincerely apologized, he can never earn back her trust or her love. She did wrong, but he was supposed to be the example to her, if their relationship went sour,it is up to both of them to realize why, and how they can fix it. If they can't do that, they will never be able to fix it. Unfortunately, one of them has to be willing to take the first step, without an apology, that first step has not really been taken yet. He may feel it was right to spank her, but he has not yet acknowledged that he hurt her, and it probably wasn't just spanking that did it. He should keep trying, but he should be reflecting first on what started this in the first place.

Answer 2

I would suspect that there is more to this than just a spanking that happened ten years ago. Children don't want to turn their backs on their parents, but sometimes there is just too much pain and hurt (whether physical or emotional) and misunderstandings that they feel they have no choice.

He could call her, write a letter or send an email asking her what it was that he did that made her so angry, genuinely showing an interest in repairing this relationship. He should be persistant and try, try and try again to establish contact with her until she knows that he is sincere and willing to make the effort.

They both need to be willing to forgive the past and work on a compromise for the future. It certainly won't be easy...any relationship is hard work, repairing one is even harder...but in the long run...it may very well turn out to be rewarding for both of them.

Answer 3

This story is far from complete. This woman completely turned on her father at the age of 13 because of one spanking? I don't think so. Before you stick up too much for this man, perhaps you should ask her why this happened. I'm willing to bet that something else happened that isn't in your description. Perhaps it was HOW she was spanked that caused this rift, or it might be something completely unrelated to the spanking. Only she knows why she's upset, and I'm pretty sure she has a legitimate reason if she's held onto it for ten years while pursuing a respectable career.

Answer 4

HE COULD WRITE HER A LETTER AND THE VERY FIRST THING HE SHOULD DO IS APOLOGIZE FOR SPANKING HER AND EXPLAIN WHY HE DID IT. THAT WAY HE LEAVES THE DOOR OPEN AND GIVES HER A CHANCE TO REALIZE WHAT SHE IS DOING IS HURTING HIM. THAT WAY IF SHE WANTS SHE CAN LOOK FOR HIM AND TALK TO HIM. BY THIS HE IS GIVEN HER SPACE. SPACE SHE COULD TAKE FOR THINK OF THE WORDS HE IS SAYING TO HER.

IN THE LETTER HE SHOULD TELL HER HE IS VERY PROUD OF THE CHOICES SHE HAS MADE THAT HELP HER CHOOSE A CAREER THAT WOULD MAKE HER GO THRU A NEW PATH IN HER LIFE.

I KNOW IF HE DIDNT SPANK HER IN TIME, TODAY SHE WOULD NOT BE A BIOLOGIST.

WHEN SHE BECOMES A MOTHER HER SELF (SOME DAY) SHE WILL REALIZE EXACLY WHAT AM SAYING.

SOME TIMES IS HARD VERY HARD TO SPANK A CHILD BUT IN TIME EVERYTHING HAS REMEDIES.

MY DAD GAVE ME A SPANKING AND A HARD ONE, BUT IF HE DIDNT THEN TODAY I WOULD NOT BE THE WOMAN AM TODAY. I WAS UPSET AND DIDNT WANTED TO TALK TO HIM BECAUSE HE HURT ME, BUT TODAY AS A CAREER WOMAN, MOTHER AND WIFE ... I UNDERSTAND WHY DAD SPANK ME. I WAS NEVER DISRESPECT FULL TO HIM, BUT I WAS NO ANGEL EITHER.

Answer 5

Spanking her was disrespectful to her. She may have been wrong in what she did but he too was wrong for spanking her. He should apologize and explain his position of why he did this to her. He will now have to regain her respect AND her trust. While there is no guarantee that she will accept his apology, it is worth a shot. Family is family and we all need to be more forgiving at times. Respect is something that he will have to earn in this case.
Please tell him good luck.

Answer 6

No parent should ever give up on their children.

However, it seems that there's more to it. One spanking isn't going to create that type of gap between a parent and child. Maybe you need to get her side, and play the moderator.

Answer 7

If he thinks he did the right thing, he should tell her that he did the best he could, and he's sorry if she felt he was wrong. There is no parent handbook, all we can do is the best we can. We all make what our kids feel is mistakes and sometimes we do what we now look at as mistakes. He should keep trying.

Answer 8

You leave a lot out of your description of events, but I would never give up. As we grow and learn, we see thing differently at different times in our lives. She may see the light differently at sometime in the future.

Answer 9

Although it is entirely up to her, showing his willingness to grow as a person -- whether he was right or wrong, or (and excuse me on this) if he is telling the entire story -- and right whatever wrongs she felt happened. Whether he should give up or not depends entirely on his sincerity. If he chooses to keep trying, it may be in his best interest to get:
a) counseling (social or psychological)
b) counsel (legal)

Answer 10

Why should he apologize for disciplining his daughter? Tell him to write her a letter (handwritten) and explain to her why he did what he did and that it was in her best interest. Let her know that he would like to have a father daughter relationship. Talk thing over, clear the air. If she does not respond, send her notes (handwritten) on special occasions that mean something to her. She'll come around eventually. Then agan, it could be another reason why she avoided him for 10 years that you don't know about. Get them to talk about it. He may think it is one thing and she may think its another. The only way to find out is to talk, talk, talk about it.!! Show her the replies to your question.