My finance, (we have been engaged for 3 weeks, with wedding plans for Feb 14), just learned that I had been sexually abused by a step father when I was 11. He had serious trouble with my disclosure of that and called me "damaged goods." I feel horrible. Was he right to call it off?
2007-01-14 13:56:54 · 26 answers · asked by Shanti 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I am terribly sorry for what you're going through. It's like adding insult to injury and it must hurt a lot.
What he said and did may not be right in the scheme of things, but he evidentally thought it was right for him. He was brutally honest and perhaps finding this out about him now rather than later will be a good thing after all. He did what he felt like he needed to do and that left you out in left field alone and confused. That's the part that makes him a less-worthy candidate for a loving husband, in my estimation. Sounds like he's from the old school needing to have a "chaste" wife as his possession. Hope he didn't also leave you with a stack of unrefundable deposits and such. I'd find a really good girlfriend and take her on a cruise or use any honeymoon arrangements anyway and "whoop it up." I know it sounds phoney, but someone better WILL come along once you get your self back together again.
I wish you luck and don't let him back in your life again. Once burned is enough.
2007-01-14 14:34:00 · answer #1 · answered by Moe J 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You should write him a thank you note. Any man and I am using this word very losely here that would end a relationship over something a young child had no choice over is a complete loser. Don't feel bad about this jerk, you are no more damaged goods then a person that was never abused. You had your trust stolen and if anything this man should feel empathy for you.
You will find a decent person with a great deal of understanding that will feel compassion about what you have been through but never look at it as a fault.
You are lucky to be rid of this little boy. Can you imagine if one of your children had the terrible misfortune to go through the pain that you have been through and then have a father who treated them in such a demeaning manner. You will someday be able with the knowledge of what you have been through to perhaps help another young girl or boy come to terms with abuse and that is one way to look at this bad event in a positive manner.
You are in my heart and the pain will eventually go away. One day you will meet a man that is worthy and you will be so glad that you didn't make the mistake of marrying this other child.
What I am curious about is why do you have other questions asking about the same sex relationship that you have with a girlfriend and asking in questions how to take it to the next level. You also asked about what to do about having a threesome with you boyfriend. My question to you is why would you fiancee be ok with all of this but child abuse which you had not choice about he is bothered by. Are you in fact be truthful or just asking this question for attention. If that is the case then please get some help as soon as you can because your issues surpass whatever help you can get from the people here.
Good luck to you.
2007-01-14 22:04:03 · answer #2 · answered by Deirdre O 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋
I'm sure your heart is broken after this action by your "to be husband". To be honest when you first became serious with him it would have been a good idea to tell him about your history before it has gone this far. If he was looking for someone who was never touched then he should have known the truth. I think it's hard these days to find anyone who is "white as snow". I feel sorry for both of you. If you are mentally totally in love this act that you experienced years ago should not even make a difference in my thinking. He must want someone wrapped in "plastic wrap". When we read the newspapers and listen to TV. We here all the time about boys and girls being abused. They were helpless ...and it was not there fault. I think it's unfair for your "x" to hold this against you. One last thing, if you did marry he might keep throwing this back in your face as if you were at fault. No one can tell the future....what might be. Just learn from your past and look to the future and a new beginning with someone new and be frank with him before your relationship heads to marriage. Best of luck, Mama Jazzy Geri
2007-01-14 22:07:17 · answer #3 · answered by Mama Jazzy Geri 7 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Both parties have a right to call off an engagement--and I think that he is being a bit shallow in what in fact is your deepest personal and heart wrenching past--what I am not understanding is this did he believe you to have been a virgin?? and so is he?? If so he still needs to look at this as something of not your fault--you did not instigate this action you were taken advantage of and I so hope that actions were taken to have dept this man from ever hurting another
Maybe you need to voice this to him--but frankly if he is not willing to stand up for you now what makes you think that he ever will in the future?? I might believe that he is not worthy of you--there is a man out there that would be compassionate of your past and the horrible things you had to withstand--
2007-01-14 22:09:46 · answer #4 · answered by skizzle-d-wizzle 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It that is the way he feels about you then you don't need someone like that in your life... and you are not damage goods. But I do have something to say about the engagement... you should at least know someone about a year before becoming engaged then another year before setting the date... then set the date with in the next year... See what rushing into a marriage could have gotten you.. I can't believe that you would let this jerk effect you like this... Hold your head up high and if you haven't prosecuted your stepfather for raping you then you need to... go today and put that no good bastard in jail where he belongs...
2007-01-14 22:12:42 · answer #5 · answered by Autumns Destany 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
no he was not right to do it, but lucky u did disclose it now, before the wedding, he would not have been there for u anyway when u needed him for anything in life. he is immature, shallow, wants perfect, but in the world there is no such thing as perfect. u really did not loose a thing dear. he is cruel and insensitive, and has no understanding of the word compassion. good will come your way, don't let it hurt your ego, or self worth. he is a jerk, who has trouble with anything that he can't understand. another door will open, another man not like him will enter your life, and u will be fine. just don't loose hope, as u are not damaged goods, god doesn't make damaged goods. u really don't want a man who has problems with imperfections. he is a very closed minded person, and one day will regret his mistake.
2007-01-14 22:08:48 · answer #6 · answered by jude 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You were being honest to disclose this information before the wedding which is to be admired. Even though it caused you pain and suffering you did the right thing. Everyone has free will and a choice of who they want their life partner to be. For him to be insulting and call you "damaged goods" is insensitive and moronic. It is a GOOD thing he left when he did. Next time, reveil the information when you are dating someone. The next time, the love of your life will not care about what happened to you so long ago. Whatever you do, don't use this information to be a victim or to gain sympathy or make excuses for your life. You are a survivor so MOVE ON, sister!!
2007-01-14 22:03:02 · answer #7 · answered by WDS 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, he was an asshole to do that. The sexual abuse was in no way your fault. You were only 11. If he had any sort of brain he would know that, and want to be there and make you feel like not only were you not damaged goods, but the woman of his dreams as well. I'm sorry. You'll find a guy who is way more worth your time, but this guy is obviously not the guy.
2007-01-14 22:01:24 · answer #8 · answered by while_love_remains 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Until he gets help and can get past this and not bring it into the marriage with you then yes i do feel he had a right to call it off... Have you gotten help and counseling for this so that you dont bring it into the relationship and marriage later.... I feel that you should get past what happened to you before you marry too.... At least he was honest with you even though he seems selfish. Get the help you need so that you are no longer even being called damaged goods and move on with your life and do not go back to him ... Find a man who will love you for you with or without the past.
2007-01-14 22:05:00 · answer #9 · answered by Lady Hewitt 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I feel that he has the right to call it off at any point, but I don't think that he should have been so rude about what happen to you when you were 11. I think that you should have told him when you and him were still dating. Its always better to be open and up front with people. I think that it is better that he called it off because you dont deserve that from him or anybody. It was not your fault hun so just move and next time be honest and tell them up front hun....good luck
2007-01-14 22:21:08 · answer #10 · answered by ashleyanderic_2006 1 · 1⤊ 0⤋