I love him but I don't want to marry him because he wont take his meds....?

Question

There's an old saying that goes like this..."you can lead a horse to water but you cannot make him drink." My fiancee is diabetic and bipolar and refuses to take his medication. His excuses is that he has better things to spend his money on. He does however smoke and just recently bought a new big screen TV. Because he is unmedicated and has these medical conditions his moods are all over. He often has outbursts, which leads to me threatening to call the cops or begging him to stop. After it happens he blames it on being bipolar.

I do not want to spend the rest of my life this way. I don't know what to do anymore. I love him. Yet he wont help himself. Realizing he is ill... is it wrong of me to not want to be with someone who is doing this?

Answer 1

The bipolar mixed with the diabetes are both things that can be controlled. Bottomline though he has to want to control them. And most bipolars tend to go off their meds. The bipolar uncontrolled is bad enough, but the diabetes can effect him greatly.
On a personal note..I found out that my husband was bipolar after we were married. Had I known beforehand I definitely think things would be different. (Unlike you, for me the writing was not on the wall, there were signs, but I didn't recognize them) Uncontrolled bipolar just tends to get worse. The outbursts more frequent and the spending horrendous. Many families lose so much because bipolars tend to spend money irrespective of their upcoming bills. THe depressed stages are another story. Often I could not get my husband to do anything, because he just wanted to sleep. The writing is all on the wall for you. For yourself and your own future I would make a decision to walk away, as it is taking its toll on you already. Also as I can see just through your question that you are a caring individual... be prepared because he will want to be back in your life.
My husband has left in a manic state and when he leveled out on meds immediately wanted to return. I tried setting boundaries, which made me feel as though I was treating him like a child, but I tried to make the marriage work as I did love him and wanted to keep to my vows. My husbands bipolar chemical problems allowed his emotions to take over and the boundaries always blurred. My husband and I are now getting divorced, and I am thankful I don't have children with him. THe home has become an incredibly peaceful place where I don't worry about everything that I say, gauge his moods or have to be quiet for days on end as he is sleeping.
In the end, it is your choice, but do you want to keep living over and over the days of walking on eggshells, and you are not wrong for not wanting to be with him? Hope this helps.

Answer 2

Nope, it's not wrong. Bipolar can be hell especially if he's cycling often or in a episode. Your fiance needs to get help if not because he's off his meds for bipolar (cause that's at least understandable), but he's not taking meds for his diabetes either? That can be really dangerous. It also shows his lack of care for himself. You know, you might want to try and see if you can get him involuntarily or voluntarily commited. He does sound like he's in an episode right now and if he's a danger to himself or others (you) you can get him put in the hospital. He might not always be like this. Most people with bipolar disorder are quite normal inbetween episodes and can go years without an episode. Your whole life won't be like this, but it's not wrong not to want to marry him because of it. You have to think of your own well being and ability to cope. Good luck!

Answer 3

My only suggestion is this: talk to him... tell him what you just told the rest of us... You love him but don't want to live like that. It's not fair to be put in a position where you have to threaten the one you love with calling the cops. That is a dangerous place to be because if somethign snaps in him, you could end up getting hurt.
If you have to, give him an ultimatum... I hate to say it but it might be the one thing that makes him see that he could be losing a really good thing in his life; somebody who loves him and wants to be with him. Tell him it's you and his meds or he's on his own.

I wish you all the best in this situation... Good luck and just be strong for yourself and know how far you can be pushed before you're going to leave. Above all else, don't forget how to be you; a good, confident, strong, woman.

Answer 4

You can't make him do things he doesn't want to do. And the way things sound you are in a very unhappy relationship. Maybe it's time you just move on and find someone who will be better for you. That would be better then marrying him to only end in a divorce or abusive relationship. good luck to you ;o)

Answer 5

the bi polar may be the reason he has the outbursts but it seems to me that he doesn't truely love you or he would want to take care of himself for you and do all he can to prevent the outbursts in the first place.. you said it "you can lead a horse to water but you can't make them drink"..
NO it is not wrong of you to not want to be with someone like that.. If things were reversed and it was you with the conditions would you take the meds so things were better on you's??

Answer 6

Your boyfriend is in denial. Let him stay there by himself. Why should you hang around and watch him kill himself? No, it isn't wrong. Denial is a force greater than nature. Maybe if you do leave him that will give him a wake up call. Either way, you're better off without him. Good luck.

Answer 7

You deserve to be happy and healthy. If he can't be happy and healthy with you...well...you need to find someone who will. He has 2 very serious illnesses, and if he does not have them treated then he will probably only get worse. You don't need that in your life. Move on. I know it is painful, but in the end it will be for the best.

Answer 8

It is not wrong at all. You can not help someone who doesn't want to help themselves. If he is prone to outbursts and then wants to blame it on being bi-polar shows a lack of wanting to truly take responsibility for himself and his disease. Speaking from personal experience (my sister is bi-polar) you can't fix him! He has to want to make himself better! If you are already threatening to call the cops now....I imagine that it will eventually get worse and if he hasn't already...he will hurt you! You only have control over you. Protect yourself now!

Answer 9

The answer/advice you are going to read would sound the most hurting but trust me one day you would really remember these lines in life... your parents surely know whats right and wrong for you in life....the guy is not settled and insha allah he would surely get settled but are you really prepared with a backup as what if is not settled....okies you would say you would work etc but how long and till when.... the fact is we children are so selfish that we think we are right at everything that we do ....with the words you used in your Q u always mentioned/remembered allah....answer this to yourself will Allah like you betraying your parents and hurting them and marrying someone else....sit and think they might have had dreams for you since you were born...the wedding dress they would chooose the arrangements they would make ..... hurt them if you feel that would be a great return gift you can give them....allah be with u...

Answer 10

You need to stop seeing this man and move on in your life. He will never change and his behavior will get him into trouble. It's just a matter of time. You can never help him. He has to come to terms of helping himself. I would hope that you would think more of yourself than to spend it like this. Look for a new companion.