Why can't we make a decision?

Question

My husband and I took our daughter to see his parents for 10 days during Christmas. We had a horrible time and fought constantly due to his 2 year affair and us being separated. The tension was great and we did not get along well. We decided that we had enough and said we would get a divorce.

We returned home and didn't see each other for a couple of days. Then he came over on Friday and ended up spending the night 2 nights in a row (we are separated). We got along well and didn't mention the argument we had on vacation.

This week was kind of hectic but we got along fine. Then on Friday, he was supposed to be here, but he was out of town. Last night I went out with friends and he ended up watching our daughter at our house and spent the night.

He seems to be trying in a way by being here all the time, but he doesn't do anything to try to win me over. He doesn't buy flowers, etc, and he tinkers in the garage. What is going on with us?

Answer 1

I could be wrong, but seems to me that you both lack communication. I have been where your husband is at, and it feels awkward. We have lost your trust and we don't know what the boundaries are any more, what is okay with you and what is not. So all we can do is just hang around to show that we still love you, help when you ask and hope not to upset you, but without asking what is okay it is like walking around in the dark.

If you are waiting to receive flowers, candies, the doors opened for you, a soft and gentle word... you are going to have to ask him for these things because again he will not know if any of these things will make you uncomfortable or upset.

Can you see why I say that communication is what you need? I know that it can be scary because what if you ask for something that he is not willing to do, but what if he is willing and he is waiting for you to ask him or tell him it's OK. Now if you are thinking that he should be the one to ask the questions, let me remind you that we men will rather drive around in circles for hours than to ask for directions! Why?, because the things that all men are scared of is rejection, and admitting we are wrong.

Communication saved our marriage, I know now that lack of it is what caused me to have an affair, but now we talk and ask about anything and everything no matter how insignificant the matter may seem. Good Luck with your marriage, fight for what you want! If I can help, feel free to write me.

Answer 2

Well Relationships are never easy especially with family and a child involved.It seems to me that both of you are half heartedly playing house because it's comfortable and your in this habit.. This can and is leading to resentment and unresolved issues. You need to get Marriage councelling. Your local Church Salvation army or Community centres can point you to their councellors. You may need singles and couples visits. It hurts very much as you know honey when you're betrayed. Understand his straying probably had nothing to do with the person you are. It was something he needed. But it wasn't just his affair it was both of yours..
Living seperately is the best way until things are resolved through councelling one way or another.However there's no reason why he can't come over and visit and fool around in the garage etc, Have some intimate times together and as a family. Just don't push it .You'll feel embarrassed and hurt he'll feel pressured.
You really find out what you are looking for in this marriage. He may think things are ok because he's just being there. It probably doesn't occure to him to make you feel special, and nagging him won't work for either of you. Go to Dr. Phil McGraws site. just type in his name.com I'm positive you'll get some hits. Get his Book Relationship rescue or DVD and work together on this seriously. Your Childs future is at stake.
I do think there is a lot of hope here but it will take effort and time and knowledge about each other and your relationship.
My belief is that, people come into our lives and stay as long as they should 5days 5 weeks 50yrs etc,. to help us learn about ourselves and over come issues we may have. from our past.
When they pass, hopefully we are more fullfilled
people. If it is this way we'll meet a person next who is the right one for the person we have become. If we hang onto a relationship that's passed it's time, it becomes toxic and both parties suffer terribly. My friend died from such a relationship.She internalised got sick and died young.
So both of you Go get help Pronto and Good Luck

Answer 3

Do you think he has a real problem with his self esteem that caused this affair to begin with? I do. Often I believe it is not the spouse that "caused" the other to stray. Does he regret the affair? I would want to meet this woman that he had for 2 years. What is this woman doing now? With another man? There are women out there who will purposely haunt married men.
Don't you think men compartmentilize marriage or relationships?
I love the song, Love the One You're With ~ but have no expectations. Why do we have expectations of another? In the vows it didn't say make sure he/she meets all of my expectations. Try that ~ no expectations for anything including taking out the garbage, amt. of time spent with you or not, amt. of sex etc....NO EXPECTATIONS. Thank him for everything!!! If he empties the dish washer THANK HIM. If he comes home on time to spend time with you, THANK HIM. If he's home and working in the garage that's what he enjoys right? When he comes in the house inquire about what he got done out there with interest not interrogating. Talk about his interests for 20 mins or more at a time. I know a couple that will purposely talk about his interests like video games for 20 mins while the other sincerely takes interest and then vis versa sharing. Show your independent by starting new areas of interest you have. He'll see you enjoying life with enthusiasm. Most of all ~~ When you are together have FUN!

Answer 4

My brother and his wife are going through the same type of problem at the moment. My brother leaves periodically (they fight all the time) but when he comes back it's as if they never had harsh words. My sister-in-law and I have attributed his returning home to his fear of never being able to see his kids, and also the issue of having money problems after divorce (He would have to pay alimony and child support). I don't feel that his decisions have anything to do with my sister-in-law at all. If he didn't have to pay any consequences after the divorce, he would have divorced her a long time ago. This is a very tough situation, good luck to you!

Answer 5

First, decide what you want. Do you want to be with him? If so, are you willing to put a lot of hard work into the relationship to make it work?
Sit down and really talk about each others needs and wants. If you find yourself starting to argue, walk away from the conversation for a little while and start it again once you have calmed down.
If you find it difficult to talk to each other, you might want to consider therapy together.
I would definitely figure out your relationship one way, if not for you, then for your daughter.

Answer 6

It's sounds like the two of your are just going through the motions for the sake of the child. Keeping a relationship going just because there is a baby involved, isn't always the best thing to do, and certainly not in the best interest of the child. If he had an affair, it was because there is something major lacking in your relationship, that forced him to seek it out somewhere else, with someone else. That speaks volumes about your relationship. The fact that he showed up to watch the child, while you went out with your friends, merely says that he can be a responsible person when he >wants< to be. The inconsistancies and the sportatic events in your relationship are ultimately going to be destructive factors in your relationship together. And btw, why should he do anything to win you over? You've already let him back in the bedroom, without him even having to try to win you over. You made it way to easy for him to get back in to your bed, and satisfy his >own< needs, with no regard to yours. If you already made the decision to get a divorce, I believe it was because you could find no viable reason the two of you should stay together, excluding the fact that you two have a child together. Children don't bond our relationships together, your relationship has to be successful on its own merits, or there is no relationship. What's going on, is that the two of you drifted apart, he sought out companionship in another woman, disregarding >you< entirely, and now the two of you are just going through the motions in a complacent environment, while you meander through life trying to figure things out. Get on with your lives, get the divorce, make it civil, agree to agree, help each other out .. and find someone who >>>will<<< go that extra mile to "win you over" .. someone who genuinely cares about >you<. If you're not willing to let things go so easily, you better start trying to figure out how to bring that spark back in to the relationship yourself.

Answer 7

This is what's going on with you"

We had a horrible time and fought constantly due to his 2 year affair and us being separated.

& I don't blame you. That could take years to repair if he's not trying his darndest to make you feel validated and that you did nothing wrong to make him do this. for all of us who have been cheated on we know that more often then not we blame ourselves.

"Time Does not heal everything" "It's what you do with that time that heals you"

You need to work on you and not let him decide your future for you.

Good Luck!

'-)

Answer 8

It sounds like he doesn't want to divorce. Now the question is.....do you have an itch that needs to be scratched? Or for at least your daughters sake try to forgive and forget and move on? Just be sure he knows if he screws any more women he's out the door. And visa versa for you too! For generations couples were together for 30,40,50 yrs. They had problems but worked them out. Remember that.

Answer 9

sounds like he just wants a place to crash and hes not interesed in a relationship anymore. if you really want to try to save the relationship its going to take some serious couples counseling with someone who knows what they are doing. also if you can't get his attention, or get him to go to counseling then its time to move on. a dead relationship is not worth holding on to. then get counseling for yourself to help you deal with all the emotions you will be faced with. i know it hurts and its hard to move on, but you will feel better in the end and you will be stronger for it. GOOD LUCK i really hope things work out for you one way or the other.

Answer 10

you need counseling
it sounds like he has some issues with adulthood and commitment - i don't know his side, so i don't know what issues are there, but that's what it sounds like.
some men get married, and then long for single, non committed life - like on sitcoms. they can't understand that life is not like a sitcom.
at the same time, they want the solid foundation of family life.
it's a desperate contrast and they can't negotiate with themselves to get a solution.