My husband who is in his late fifties has the habit of hugging some of my nieces in a way that makes them rather uncomfortable. He does not touch them inappropriately (though tightly), but the issue has been raised by one of them and I am aware that the others feel just as uncomfortable as this one. He does not hug the one who has a disability.
He has previously had an affair and has admitted to me, many years ago, that he thinks teenagers whose breasts are just developing are nice.
I'm feeling quite sick about this and although I had previously many times felt that I am not happy about this hugging of my nieces, I don't know how to approach this subject to him. Please help me. You should know though that he is unapproachable. A professional once suggested that he ought to see a psychologist for other reasons, but although he has agreed in the past, he is not doing anything about it. Help!
2007-01-13 22:48:28 · 22 answers · asked by Fay 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Not only does he not know about proper boundaries, but it sounds like he has some sort of perversion on his mind as well. I am married, and my own niece (my sister's daughter) is now in her mid-twenties. She is extremely endowed, and has no problem hugging me tightly. It does not bother my wife, and I would never want to hurt her feelings, but I kinda feel funny when she does that, and she is my own biological kin. I still feel I owe her proper dignity.
For your husband to push the matter with girls who is is not biologically related to, especially after having a love affair while married to you, tells me he is trying to convince both they and himself that he is some macho stud in his twenties who still has a lot of wild oats to sow. Both you and your nieces need to tell him why this is improper, and he needs to get professional help. Safe bet he will get defensive about this, but stand your ground with him!
2007-01-17 14:23:59 · answer #1 · answered by rhino 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
First of all, it's the nieces uncomfortability that is the factor here.....to give him the benefit of the doubt, "the girls are teenagers", their hormones are raging right now, however, again, if they are uncomfortable, then maybe next time, they can just say, Uncle ?, I don't like big bear hugs right now, or whatever. You can also explain this to him, tell hime they are feeling uncomfortable, etc., If he still doesn't get it, then have your sister or brother (whichever is the parent of the neices) say something to him.
As far as someone rcommending he see a psychologist for other reasons, meaning something out of the "sexual nature", let him deal with that, however, if something related to this entire situation, he may need help.
Tough situation for you to be in, but the girls are what's important. I know my husband hugs my nieces, 18, 15, and 11, and they love it, big bear hugs from Uncle B, no uncomfortablility there, so yes, it is ok for an uncle to hug his nieces normally!
2007-01-14 01:30:56 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If this is a worry for you and your nieces you must find a way to approach him about it. When I first read your question I thought, why wouldn't the husband hug the nieces.....I do. Then I read about what he said to you about young girls. That statement really bothered me and should bother you too. If you think he is capable of doing something bad then it is your responsibility to approach him about this. Tell him how uncomfortable your nieces feel and tell him not to hug them anymore. Then try to get him some help. Don;t let this go.
2007-01-13 23:07:16 · answer #3 · answered by vanhammer 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If I had a husband that did that to my nieces, the last thing on my mind is that he would be unapproachable. I'd be all up in his face and he would know I'm not backing down. I'd have my whole family there too and when I'm done with him, they can have what's left over of him. In the future if he should happen to see my nieces on the street by chance, he better cross the street.
2007-01-13 23:53:33 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Teenagers don't usually like being hugged by male relatives anyway, its a time of development when they feel a little shy about their bodies, I had a similar problem with my older unmarried brother tho he didn't have pedophiles tendencies and he was ok when i told him, i suggest telling your husband that teenagers are a little shy of hugs if he takes offence then explain they think your a dirty old man, He seems he is viaing for the attention of some pretty young females by telling him that they think hes pervy will make him stop, if he doesn't then he has a serious problem
2007-01-13 23:03:25 · answer #5 · answered by laughinggiraffe2003 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
The only way to tackle this is head-on. Tell him your nieces think he is a pervert. Get him to agree to stop hugging them under threat of not seeing them again.
Personally I can't see anything wrong with admiring young girls' beauty, but everything wrong in doing something about it when it is unwelcome.
If he is unapproachable even to his spouse, why are you still married to him?
2007-01-13 22:56:39 · answer #6 · answered by steven b 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The nieces in question should step back when he is approaching them and extend their hand for him to shake. If he still insists on hugging them, they should say loudly: "Ouch, you're hurting me, let go!" I'll bet it won't take many embarrassing moments like that in front of friends and family to make him see reason.
2007-01-13 22:54:28 · answer #7 · answered by Liz 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Just tell him that your nieces have told you they are uncomfortable with his hugs.
In away it like he sexual abusing them without really doing the abuse.
And with him telling you about the development of teenagers breasts watch out if it was not for the laws who knows what he may do.
I was sexual abuse when I was a child and I was scare of men.
Please make him stop before it goes badly.
I know you love him
2007-01-13 22:57:08 · answer #8 · answered by Linda 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You know what, a monkey never changes its habit even if it grows old (u said he prev had an affair) . Now u say that he is in his late fifties ........ I think its time now to send him packing to himalayas for some kind of pilgrimage........... and make sure u send him soon or else there is one more way to prevent ur hubby's hugs . tell ur neices to rub a lot of allergins(itching) on their clothes so that the next time that werewolf hounds on them ,he does remembers it for a lot of time... :-)
2007-01-13 23:02:28 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
If you tried telling him and it didn't help then I think the girls should say to him no hugs please just a hand shake. They should extend their hands as they are talking to him. If that don't work then when the girls see him coming go in the opposite direction. If that still doesn't work then you and their parents should try sitting down and talking to your husband about it. If that still doesn't work keep the girls away from him. Good luck!!
2007-01-13 22:54:51 · answer #10 · answered by lisaraye 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋