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hi all can u please give a honest and constuctive opinion on my poem please, no nastyness just honesty.many thanx

Sunset

We watch as the sun starts descend
I carn't believe this has to end
The thoughts of our time together
Thought you would be mine forever

I hold your hand I grip so tight
Sorrow attacks me I try to fight
I look to Ur eyes for answers not there
I even wonder for my heart u did care

My mind races to find a reason why
That our love for each other cannot die
But I fail for all I can do
Is say these simple words, I love you

You release my hand and then you sigh
This I know is when you say goodbye
You look back at me your eyes so cold
And your slender arms you do fold

I try and hope this is just a dream
But there’s no waking up so it would seem
This is the end for this I am sure
I will love you forever more

2007-01-13 21:51:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous in Society & Culture Other - Society & Culture

7 answers

I like it - how about using longer lines, beats to em phase particular moods/points. Its great that you got it rhyming so well but sometimes half-rhymes or non-rhyming verse completes a stanza.

It is one steady beat, is it the same mood constantly all the way through or are there points you wanted the reader to linger on/think about?

Carry on writing!

2007-01-13 22:02:04 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 1 0

nicely must be will. that's short, yet to the point, a lot of mushy feely. If she likes what you've deliver so a ways, she could like this one to boot. i locate that that's a ways more suitable the actual incontrovertible truth that you're questioning about her, and keen to do some thing like write poetry, and placed that attempt and time in; than even if Shakespeare would approve. Bravo on your efforts.

2016-10-31 01:43:20 · answer #2 · answered by ? 4 · 0 0

It’s grammatically incorrect in places for example it should say “We watch as the sun starts TO descend” and “I even wonder IF for my heart you did care”. The first two lines of the third verse are also grammatically incorrect, specifically ‘a reason why that’. It doesn’t scan properly and the spelling is atrocious. The latter is the worst sin in my opinion. If you are going to write poetry you must at the very least spell words correctly and not use ‘text speak’.

2007-01-13 22:01:04 · answer #3 · answered by KB 5 · 0 2

I really like your poem. Such a sad one, but you get all the feelings over very well. Is this from personal experience? I find that poetry written from personal experience is the best. It draws you into it and you feel all that the person writing it did.

2007-01-13 21:57:55 · answer #4 · answered by muggle 4 · 0 0

You really love her! It shows... It's quite simple and a nice poem for expressing your feelings.

2007-01-13 22:01:02 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

wow if you read that to me I'd melt like butter.it's lovely. i love poems i some times wright them my self. do you mind me asking how old you are?

2007-01-13 22:05:54 · answer #6 · answered by dragontears 4 · 0 0

I am sorry - you have obviously tried - but you're naive if you think it is good.

2007-01-13 22:30:54 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0 3

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