a penny for your thoughts?

Question

Division of heart

My world, a turmoil of thoughts and emotion,
Your world, an endless stream of stress and commotion,
My world, a bellowing feeling of hate and regret,
Your world, wondering if you'll ever forget,
My world, hoping for a chance of reconstruction,
Your world, so damn tired of all this destruction,
My world, sick as a dog, getting fat as a hog,
Your world, eyes heavy, no sleep, never ready,
My world, hoping shes growing, and maturing,
Your world, pain of the growing never slowing,
Our world, oppritunities closing,
Our world still exists but never showing,
Our world, an amazing abyss of tireless happiness,
only waiting to be unlocked once again.

p.s. i posted this once before but didnt get much critque on it. i wanna see if theres anyhtign wrong with it. one thing people might say is get rid of the my world your world thing, but i cant because that shows how each of us is feeling and leads into the our world section of the poem.

Answer 1

Well, let me give you my thoughts.
1. I like your effort to put together a piece that reflects two worlds.
2. I don't think most people's world is like the "your world" part unless you have a specific person in mind and are citing things in that person's world.
3. If "your world" is about a certain person, you might consider a couple of opening lines letting the reader know this.
4. If "your world" is general, you should probably find things that are more centered... for instance, my world is
NOT an endless stream of stress and commotion
NOT damned tired of all this destruction, but I certainly want world peace
I sleep really well and wake up rested and positive and ready for the new day

You see what I mean. If you are referring to a girl, perhaps you could change it to "Her world" or if a boy "His world".

I actually like the play on "my world-your world" but by the end of the piece it has not "grabbed" me with interest in considering deeper meanings... I just feel like it is about two people who are having problems. It sounds kind of dark and hopeless.

Please don't tale this as a negative mark, because it is a great effort at putting the thoughts on paper. You should continue to wordsmith it and sift the thoughts. You have good potential and it is a good start.

Thanks for sharing it.

Answer 2

I think it's a fine poem. I like the My World / Your World line alternation.

If I were to change anything, it would be to make the topic flow across each of the Your vs. My lines as well as in the Your/My couplets.

For example: Each "My" line is followed by a "Your" line that is taking a different stand / point of view on the same topic. Next two lines are composed of that same duality.

But what would it be like if you kept that couplet duality, but made each "My" line flow from the previous "My" line, and the same for each "Your" line. In other words, keep the same structure My & Your alternating structure, but written as though each My line also connected to the previous My line. Does that make sense?

It's like having two poems in one, as though you could read only the My lines and still have a flowing thought.

But that's just an idea. Sorry to hear you didn't get much feedback the last time around.

Answer 3

excellent work, i really like the rhyming words and the way the poem has a rhythm ( i don't see it very often).
i especially like the lines -
Our world, oppritunities closing,
Our world still exists but never showing,
u couldve made the last line better by making it rhyme nicely, it just doesnt seem to fit.

Answer 4

you want me to put my two cents in but your only offering me a penny well now that quet the scam ya got goin there pal if poems with bleak outooks that seem to offer no hope of redemption for the human soul were what I was into id like it