My kids are REALLY out of control !! PLEASE HELP !!!?

Question

I have two teenage kids, a son 16 and a daughter 17. Their mother dies 8 years ago and ever since then they get worse and worse. My son is dating a 19 year old girl who i do not approve of. Hes talking about adopting her 1 year old son when he turns 18 and is talking about having a baby with her. Hes also been skipping school and the other day I found empty bottles of alcohol in his room.

But he is nothing compared to my daughter. She goes out with a different guy every night. I found homemade pornography in her room where she was engaging in sexual intercourse with 2 other people. I found heroin in her closet. Shes failing all her classes and talking about dropping out of school. Ive found empty pregnancy test boxes in her room and much much more.

Ive tried everything grounding them, taking things away from them, sending them to their grandparents for weeks at a time, and everything i can think of.

What more can I do ?

Answer 1

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Answer 2

For some reason the movie "RV" jumps into my mind....

I think it might be time to send the kids away again, but not alone, with you.

Maybe a cross country trip in an RV, maybe 6 weeks in a one room, snowbound mountain cabin.

Your son's problems are a lot smaller than your daughter's. You may not like the girlfriend, but you can certainly sit down with her and explain to her that your son is 16 and therefore what she does with him and to him can go real heavy against her. Don't forbid them to see each other, but make her accountable. If there is alcohol, call HER in, she has a lot to lose, 10 years in prison not to mention that little thing called the "national sex crimes register" is a pretty large brick to hold over someone's head.

Your daughter is the one that needs intervention now. In a few short months, what you can do or say will be nada....squat.... or to put it another way, you won't be able to do a thing. (other than turn her over to the cops)
This is the person, that you as a family need help immediately. You will have to make some tough choices, which is more important? Job, stability, career, your life.... or your daughter.

You may be able to commit her to drug rehab.... but only until she is 18. Then she is gone and full of resentment. Your best bet will be some "family time", take a vacation where the only thing around is the 3 of you. You will get a better understanding of them, and they may find their dad again.

Answer 3

Whoa dude! What the hell?

Makes you wonder if they did this sort of thing when your wife was around. Did she ever tell you that? Or did they display this behaviour overnite? (like right after her death?) Were the signs obvious or did you miss something?

How much control did you have over your kids when your wife was around? If you were an absentee parent then that's what they'll still think. You're assuming both parent roles now so you should've eased your way into it. Abrupt change right after trauma messes people up.

I know guys are generally raised to be stoic and not talk about their feelings, but you need to sit them both down on the couch together and tell them how it makes you feel. Tell them how the absence of your wife makes you feel. Then ask them how that makes them feel. It's a start.

Tell them that more importantly, you want to keep your family unit together and you feel the 3 of you have been splitting several ways ever since. Never lose your cool, you're the parent (but don't use it as an excuse to be condescending either; this is a real fight to maintain a balance of power) And whatever path they take after this is strictly their life choice so don't blame yourself, cuz people are gonna do what they want at the end of the day. (Of course, you're in no obligation to continue supporting them if they decide to say, make babies)

But don't bring up all the booze, pregancy kits and homemade porn in the same conversation; first thing's first. That's for another day.

Answer 4

You should try family counseling, and get them in there quick. Once they turn 18 you can't make them go. I would also try finding out if you have any kind of alternative school for troubled kids if they are failing school. You must take action now why you still have a say in their lives. You can actually love a kid to death, so take away all privelages from them and be there with them at all times when they are at home. Don't let your daughter go out everynight, and if she does, call the police. Some kids just need some tough love to get straightened out. Most kids will act out, be premiscous, and get into trouble simply because they want their parents love and attention. I have seen a lot of teens ruin their lives b/c they were out of control and parents didn't know what else to do. I would seriously consider family counseling. Good luck and god bless.

Answer 5

This is heartbreaking. Perhaps what you need to do is go talk to a therapist yourself and seek professional help from them. It certainly would help to have instructions for our kids at any age but as every parent knows, we don't. don't give up on your kids. One thing I disagree with is getting the law involved in your home. Your kids wil not always be kids and any involvement they have with the law will certainly interfer with their lives later on... and who knows... perhaps they will get better and one day be able to have good lives. Someone else said for you to pray. I would say that is a good start also... the first place to start really. If you have a church you go to there may be clergy there to guide you in this as well. I don't believe there are any set answers to your problem here. you may be able to seek out help from the state you live in without actually turning them into the law. I think it's called making them a ward of the state... where you no longer are the one saying "don't do that" it's the state and they do the punishing. Your son may be to old though. Look into it just incase.
Lastly, I would try starting a regular scheudule of family time. The more time they spend with you the less time they are spending with getting into trouble. And definitely get them both into counseling. My heart goes out to you. I hope you find the way for them. Nothing is more heartbreaking than watching your kid (s) going down the wrong path and feeling helpless.

Answer 6

I am not at this stage yet with my children. But I am really going to sympathize with you. Being a parent is hard work. The only thing I can think of is getting family therapy. Truly sitting down with the children and asking them why they do the things they do.Getting to the root of the problem. Perhaps letting them visit a detention center (make arrangements) and speaking with other inmates. My mother used to work for a facility that held males and females in group homes and they used this method --(This was years ago) and it seemed to be effective. Maybe if they see the course they are on is destructive, they can change.

Answer 7

I am so sorry for your loss and the terrible struggle that has befallen your family since their mother died.

I can't help but notice that the solutions you mention are all about sending them away or depriving them. What have you been doing in a positive nature all these years, to comfort them, make them feel safe, make them feel like they have a family?

They're pretty far gone and it sounds like your despair at their mother's death may have led you to do a really bad job by your kids. You have to tell them that you've messed up so bad, failed them so bad, and now they are adults destroying themselves. Tell them how much it hurts you to see them throw their lives away, as their mother lost hers so young, and tell them you want to be there with them and for them as they turn their lives around.

You might start with substance abuse treatment, but not the kind where you send them away. They also need a lot more supervision, rather then snooping, don't you think?

Answer 8

You should send your daughter to some kind of rehab place, seeing as she is underage by law only her parent or guardian can check her out of the rehab clinic and when it comes to your son dating a 19 year old that is against the law and you can easily have it handled by contacting the police and having her arrested for statutory rape

Answer 9

She has to realize how wrong what she is doing on her room own. And this really isnt normal. When they were smaller were you afraid to disipline them cause you were afriad they would "hate" you. Well YOU messed them up by not setting them straight when they were younger. You daughter is going to get aids if she keeps doin it with 2guys at once. And why the hell do people think grounding your kids works. That is a p***y punishment. Send them to military school. That will set them straight.

Answer 10

What a really hard thing for your family to go through. I am able to somewhat relate to the personal tragedy you have experienced. Please know that what these kids need is attention and the knowledge that you are there for them. I suggest getting help in intervening with their substance abuse problems. This is a serious matter that will affect the rest of their lives! You need support!

Answer 11

Pray for them; talk to them about their obviously emotional problems still around from the death of their mom; support them in school, hobbies, etc. Don't be hard on them or you will lose their trust. I'm praying for you all now, and I know you will all get through this fine. Good Luck, God Bless you.