We have a 11 month old boy & we have some big issues going on... read on?

Question

Our son ONLY had me to care for him since he was 2 mths. His father was overseas (military) & just came home when he was 10 mths. My son normally sleeps w/ me or I am the one to put him to bed. Now it is becoming a HUGE issue because my husband & I are not getting alone time! He used to be on a schedule but we have been moving & doing alot of traveling so he is clinging onto me EVEN MORE than normal. His dad is upset that our son doesn't want him. He is not able to feed him or put him down for naps or even bed! We spent over 2 hours trying to get our son asleep tonight!!! I need some serious help. I let him cry for over an hour, I had to check on him 2 times because he was so upset he started vomiting. Finally... his father went in there & got him out of his crib & laid with him, it has taken over an hour of his dad laying w/ him to get him asleep. All he does is scream MAMA! MAMA! IT is breaking my heart. I don't know what to do. I need to get him to sleep on his own & in his own room

Me leaving the house is NOT an option right now. I fractured my ankle and had surgery so i can't drive and we just move out of state and I dont have any friends to help me or come get me so i can leave.... not happy times.

Answer 1

Patience, perseverance and baby steps.. little by little.
If your baby has a sleep during the day have you tried also having a sleep in his room or ask daddy to have a sleep even if it a pretend one.
Involve dad in bath time, playtime, feedtime and bedtime.
Most 12months olds begin to learn to fear strangers so this problem you have is only natural.
Your son will soon learn that dad is part of the homelife.
Can you make some special time for just dad and son to be together without you ( even if you just go next door for half an hour or so.)
Yes, it will be tough at first but slowly things will adjust with time.
remember your son will not be acting like this when he goes to high school. so there is a light at the end of your tunnel even if it isnt that clear to you right now.
Good luck with it all and remember it wont last forever.

Answer 2

Here are the COLD facts! New Born, months older, toddlers, infants and so on, learn from their parents REWARD ethics.

The baby screams, the parent picks it up, the baby has been reward for the scream and every time it wants to be picked up -
S C R E A M. You gave the reward, you told what button to push and the child got it. Solution, you hold your baby on your terms, not the babies. Let IT scream, check on it to insure all is OK but don't give in. If you do, then that is the behavior that you will have.

Sleeping in your BED? Bring the babies crib into your room if you want but not in your BED! If you give that reward, do not complain about the child doing what you have taught it to do to get that reward! Scream long enough and I will put you in my Bed!

There is no such thing as an 11 month old baby not wanting its father! The issue is that the father was not there for 9 months of the baby’s development. It is going to take time for that to get straighten out. The father should just do the things that he would
have done had he been there. That includes feeding, bathing and so forth. If the child will not eat when the father tries to feed
him, DON"T FEED IT! You should not replace your husband in this issue. If you do, then you tell the baby that you are the only one that is supposed to feed it! And you will have that behavior!

You have two choices; either the mother and father raise the child
or the child raises the mother and father!

Every child you see in the streets, how ever old, if their behavior is unpleasant/ugly, give the parents an F for parenting! That includes, Slamming the door, ugly faces, back talk,
And un respectful remarks1

Answer 3

You are taking on WAY too many tasks for your sweet angel. 1)sleep in your own room 2)know and love Daddy 3)let Daddy help you sometimes instead of Mommy. 4)Acustom yourself to a new house in a new state. All I can say at first is WOW!!!!!!

I don't mean to sound harsh, but CHILL OUT! This is a BABY, not an adolesent. He does not, can not, even begin to understand what the heck is going on. Alone time may be desperately needed by you and your Hubby, and I understand why completely. However, when you chose to become parents, or chose to keep the 'suprise' as the case may be, you made the decision to put the baby's needs above your own. If your little pumpkin is used to sleeping with you, and now Daddy is sleeping with you, continue to allow baby in your bed for a short time. This will serve many purposes toward your cause: He will begin to feel safe in his new home. He will learn who this mysterious man you call 'Daddy' is, and begin to trust him. Once baby feels more secure, THEN you can work on having him sleep in his own bed. Please don't think I'm attacking you, but from the circumstances you described, I think you are being cruel to your little one. He has to be so confused, hurt, and sad right now. Give him more time.



Oh, and don't leave Dad alone to tackle 'baby's' interactions, like bedtime, all by himself. If Jr. doesnt know and/or trust Daddy yet, you will not make progress unless you work as a team. Let your baby see that you approve of daddy, so to speak, and that will help him accept daddy, too.


good luck!

Answer 4

It can definitely be frustrating. That many changes in your son's life all of sudden would surely make him search for comfort and you are that source.

As a father I can't even imagine having to spend that amount of time away from my son. I have immense respect for anyone in the military who has to make that sacrifice. However - most of the bonding that is going to happen between your husband and your son needs to come from your husband and your son.

Make sure your son sees you and your husband happy and enjoying each other. It shows that Mommy endorses Daddy. And let Daddy have time with your son.

I bonded with my son in the early months by being on Diaper duty. It was a necessary function (like feeding - which my wife did) that allowed me to build up trust in him. I also did bedtimes, story times, burping, singing... anything and everything to bring me more fully into his world. I wanted him to equally associate me with his world.

Coming in after 10 months is hard. It's normal for your husband to feel angry, or hurt, or apart - but he needs to work at rejoining your son's circle. And he'll need to do the same thing the next he's away for an extended period of time. To expect anything is unrealistic.

You mentioned your husband spent an hour with him putting him to sleep... that's perfect... and normal. Have him use that time to talk to him, telling him how much he loves him, rub his belly, do whatever his father instincts tell him to until your son falls asleep. Then you two can cuddle together in another room and relax for a bit.


Make that new bedtime routine in HIS bed and bedroom and it's one step closer to your goal. However - when you decide to work towards that goal - don't relent every second night and bring him into your room. If he cries and you go to soothe him - do it in his room and make him comfortable there. It might mean some sleepless nights in the beginning - but it's worth it in the long wrong because he'll learn this is the new normal, and that's it's safe. If he cries and you bring back to your room - you've just taught him how to get back to your room.... so be ready to work for this as a team - and then do it joyfully.

I wish you both the best and hope your son brings as much joy to your lives and mine does to mine.

Answer 5

First of all- he is still young and this is still fixable. Let Daddy put him to bed (even if that means laying with him all night) for the next week straight, then trade off every other night. Also, let your son spend a whole day alone with his dad without you- they need to get reacquainted. After he readjusts and feels secure, you and your husband will finally have the time you deserve- it just can't be rushed! Even couples where a parent hasn't been away can have these problems, it's part of parenthood.

Best of luck!

Answer 6

Well first of all you created the mess that your in and now looking for assistance. As an ex Military wife you can get some help from other military wives. They understand the military life and know when to chip in and help. You need to be out of the room, out of sight and let your husband handle the boy. Your husband will just need to patient with him and you need to stay out of it. I was 8 months pregnant when my now ex-husband was gone overseas for nine months. SO my baby girl did not have a clue who this strange man was coming into our lives. But not once did she sleep with me, she was put in her crib every night. When he came back I would leave the house and he had to get to know his own daughter and yes it was hard. After some patience, she adjusted to him. But you need to stay out of the picture and if that means going to another room with the door shut then do it.. Put on a head set if the crying bothers you. Have your husband give him the last bottle for the night and rock him some and then put him in crib. He will adjust even if he does cry..
Good Luck

Answer 7

First off, please thank your husband for protecting my family by being away from his. I know it must be so frustrating because you want him to have that bond with both of you. How about if you set a routine where YOU give him a bath, get him ready for bed. Then have you and Daddy lay in bed and read him a story. Do this for a few weeks, then slowly let Daddy take him up for bed and you stay out of the room. It's very sad, but your husband is a stranger to him. Go slow, it will come in time. Good luck.

Answer 8

Well, it's gonna take some time for your son to get used to two huge changes in his life. I would just make sure he spends enough time with his daddy, and you for now, until he feels more comfortable. As for breaking him of his sleeping habit, that's gonna take more time. Try at first falling asleep with him, and then putting him in his room, so he wakes up in his room. Then putting him in there and you staying there with him, patting his back or something. Slowly break him of you being there while he sleeps. And have your husband be there too, that will help him spend more time and get more comfortable with his daddy putting him to sleep. Good luck!!

Also, tell your husband thank you for the work he does for our country!

Answer 9

He doesn't know his papa, he's had you all to his self for a long time, he's going through separation anxiety and you are moving, so he's going through a lot of other issues, too. If you were co-sleeping with him, try to find a way to all co-sleep (safely) together maybe.... but maybe just both be part of the bedtime routine right now. I know papa is probably excited to know his boy, but things have to happen gradually. Maybe be with papa and him while they get to know each other again -- and gradually find ways to give them alone time. Encourage them to take walks together, and get out of the house together. Papa is feeling rejected, but he is the adult and needs to see this situation from the child's point of view just a bit. Even in Households where both parents are together, 11 month olds often favor one gender over the other (usually the mama first, then it changes to the same gender in the 2s and 3s).

Get a relative or friend to watch him for a night or two where you and hubby and get to know each other again....

It's hard -- and all of the things you and your husband and son are going through won't be solved overnight. But don't try to rush everyone feeling connected.

Answer 10

I feel for you honey. My hubby is in the military too. When he has to leave and comes back it's always hard on the kids getting them readjusted. Your husband needs to step back and realize that as bad as it sucks he is a stranger give the little guy a couple of months of daddy just being the fun guy and your son will eventually bond with him. This is not the time to mess with your little ones routine. If he is used to sleeping with you maybe let it go on for a little while longer. In a few weeks try again, remember this is a scary time for your baby. Good Luck and God bless your family.