Sexual Problems?

Question

Hi, this is kind of embarassing for me. I dont even know how to tell anyone. I was molested twice when I was a child. Now, in order for me to have an orgasm, I have to picture myself as a child being molested or raped. I dont have any desires for other children to be hurt, it makes me mad and upset when I hear about these things. Am I crazy and a pervert? This has been bothering me for about 15 years. I am too scared to tell anyone. I have children and I wouldn't want someone to think that I would ever do ANYTHING to them. I would die for them just to be safe. Any help?

Answer 1

Honey, it would take a lot of therapy to be sure that was changed, but it's worth a try if you want to. I happen to think that what you are doing is the most understandable reaction and fantasy someone in your shoes could have. You never know how many people live with that because it doesn't come up at lunch!! So I don't think you should feel bad about it. Your only options are a ton of therapy and sex re-education or stop having orgasms or accept yourself and stop feeling guilty. People don't tell you those things. You could benefit from a group therapy full of adults that were molested, but you are busy raising your children right now. If you say they are not being hurt and you are sure, then just put your arms around yourself as far as you can reach and hold on and comfort yourself through the guilty times. Forgive everything that happened if your children are safe. That forgiveness will free your soul. And you don't have to forget to forgive. Guilt is a killer. I wish I could talk to you so much!! Good Luck Honey!! @8=)

Answer 2

Hi. Definitely not an easy question or easy thing to admit, so I applaud you for your courage.

I was able to help my sister who was molested/raped as a child by my step-father. I jumped out of the frying pan and into the fire when my mother married this creep to live with my alcoholic father. So I was not around to defend her or bury his a$$.

Here's what she struggled with: she struggled to understand why her body responded sexually - lubrication, nipples, etc. She felt that because her body responded this way, that she must have conceded somehow to be a little 'tramp/whore' and while everyone she confided in said this was awful, she could not reconcile how awful it could have been if she had, in fact, enjoyed it to some degree.

I asked her to understand her body and understand her body better. We talked about the value of separating and understanding normal vs. abnormal behavior/feeling/responses.

What the chicken-sh1t coward did to an unprepared teenager was abnormal. How her body responded was perfectly normal. I explained that a boy can have an erection from a casual glance with a pillow - that doesn't mean that he should marry the pillow ;)

So, to you I would ask you to separate the two behaviors that you experienced. Molestation and sexual control. Molestation is abnormal, unhealthy, pathetic and weak. However, sexual control, a desire to be dominated, have your hair tugged or to be at your lover's mercy is more healthy and 'normal' than you realize.

BTW, my sister is happily married with 2 children and a healthy sex life. You can too. Separate the two - recognize them for what they are and embrace the healthy side. You are also not victimizing children, rather you are visualizing yourself at your most vulnerable time in life. I would encourage you to replace being a child with another vulnerable fantasy. Put yourself in a doctor's office or something. Let the childhood trauma/fantasy go.

Answer 3

You need to spend some quality time with yourself in the bedroom rediscovering your sexuality without thinking of your childhood. When images return, shake them at all cost. Focus on healthy adult situations.

The brain is wonderful in that you can actually make yourself forget things if you make a willing effort of it. I've had to personally brainwash myself to stop having some memories and recurring thoughts. It takes time though, and the more effort you expend, the sooner you'll find your mind forgetting the crap.

Positive reinforcement -- that is rewards -- is a far more powerful tool than punishment. Quit punishing yourself for your thoughts. Instead, make a HUGE concerted effort to refocus them on more pleasant things.

Don't you dare allow yourself to continue having orgasms while thinking of yourself as a victim. You may even have occassion to fantasize that you are instead abusing your victimizer(s). I wouldn't go so far as to say that you should enjoy the thought of the guy/woman assaulting the man/men/woman/women that hurt you as your knight in shining armor, but you desperately need to picture something more empowering than you have been.
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Answer 4

I have the same problem and it sucks hard core! I feel like my whole sexual identity has been stolen before I even knew what it was. I haven't told any one either just try to find other things to think about when having sex. Gradually change it into something else. Try fantasizing about something that turns you on. Or if you have to try watching soft core porn and fantasize about that while you're having sex. Good luck I know this is something really hard to get over.

Answer 5

I think you need to seek professional help for your pain, and problems, so you can be the best mom you can for your kids. To come on here though, and talk about achieving orgasm, through molesting a child, even if it "was you" ,is SO very NOT cool. I do hope you get the help you need, and know there are juveniles on here.

Answer 6

It really sounds like your ability to have a normal sex life and normal sexual desires has been severely warped. This is still affectin you so many years later. I would highly recommend seeking professional help, this is something bigger that you will need help to resolve.