"Open Relationships" in the gay community?

Question

Do you think that the prevalence and semi-acceptance of "open relationships" in the gay male community has damaged our (all gays) struggle for the right to marry?

First of all, let me say that I am very gay and I very much support gay marriage, but let me play DEVIL'S ADVOCATE for a sec: Can we really blame the heterosexual majority for being so wary about giving us the right to marry when it seems like (and i stress "seems like") we are so careless about monogomy?

Now before I get tarred and feathered by everyone, i know that not all gay people support or embrace open relationships. But we can't deny that the idea of open relationships is very visible and prevalent in mainstream gay culture. So are we shooting ourselves in the foot here?

P.S. And yes, I am aware that adultery, swinging and open relationships do exist in the hetero community, but from what I can perceive, mainstream gay culture is a lot more accepting of this type of relationship moreso than straight culture

Let me stress that I am only 18 and obviously don't have hardly any experience in the gay community. But even from my very little exposure to "gaylife", this is what i've observed.

thx for ur comments plato. but let me clarify, i don't think it's necessarily the main reason why we've never been able to marry, but i think it may be one of the underlying causes. I'm basing my opinion on constant criticisms by straight people that gay people are nymphomaniacal perverts and are obsessed with sex; and I think that the prevalence of open relationships kind of amplifies that.

Answer 1

For someone aged 18 you have a very sensible head on your shoulders.

Answer 2

To be honest with you I think this idea of the 'gay' community being more accepting of 'liberal' relationships comes from partly the media and partly from the 'gay' community wanting more acceptance.
What I mean by this is the media will concentrate on more shocking of 'newsworthy' aspects of a social debate so the supposed prevalence of 'open' relationships stems from the media choosing to hi-light this aspect of the being gay. Quite often there is an age gap, some sort of illness attached or a clearly seedy older partner in the picture. This all gives credence to the idea that gay relationships are wrong and without morals.

As for within the community yes there is a certain aspect of 'well other sections of the community do it'. but it can also be down to people's attitudes to relationships i.e. not placing the same values on relationships that others might feel are important, really undermining their own sense of what a relationship should be and blurring the boundaries of what actually defines their relationship.

So, the short answer is yes 'open' relationships are a part of many other factors that can undermine 'gay' relationships in others eyes. However people that choose to focus on negative aspects of gay relationships are showing their ignorance and missing the whole point - that gay marriage isn't about personal opinions, it is about human rights.

Answer 3

>>"Open Relationships" in the gay community? <<

They do exist. I’m not into open relationships. I’m in a happy, monogamous relationship for the last five years, and my man and I have no desire to add a third.

>>Do you think that the prevalence and semi-acceptance of "open relationships" in the gay male community has damaged our (all gays) struggle for the right to marry? <<

Like I stated above, I know open relationships exist, but for them to be prevalent or semi-accepted I would have to know within my circle of friends who are in open relationships, and fortunately, there isn’t.

>>First of all, let me say that I am very gay and I very much support gay marriage, but let me play DEVIL'S ADVOCATE for a sec: Can we really blame the heterosexual majority for being so wary about giving us the right to marry when it seems like (and i stress "seems like") we are so careless about monogomy? <<

I feel that it isn’t the heterosexual majority’s perception that we are careless about monogamy, but, for me, it is more likely to be religious.

>>Now before I get tarred and feathered by everyone, i know that not all gay people support or embrace open relationships. But we can't deny that the idea of open relationships is very visible and prevalent in mainstream gay culture. So are we shooting ourselves in the foot here? <<

I don’t feel that we are shooting ourselves in the foot. It’ll take time for the nation’s perception to change in favor for marriage equality.

>>P.S. And yes, I am aware that adultery, swinging and open relationships do exist in the hetero community, but from what I can perceive, mainstream gay culture is a lot more accepting of this type of relationship moreso than straight culture <<

That could be that the GLBT community is more accepting of non-traditional relationships than the heterosexual community, more open to the idea that there are other ways to express one’s love to another.

Answer 4

When I first came out, I met a gay couple and this couple added a third person to their relationship. I thought it was different and not a relationship that I would choose, but as time went by I saw that the relationship was based on love. I realized that by me questioning their love for one another that I was judging them.

I have not seen much of a prevalence of open relationships, but have noticed that they tend to be frowned upon within the gay community. I think that some gay people label other gay people as wrong or immoral to make themselves appear more acceptable. Just because I choose to be monogamous with a partner does not mean that I should tell someone else how to lead there lives, just as a straight person should not tell me to lead a so-called straight life.

I neither seek nor ask for acceptance from the heterosexual majority, I only ask to not be attacked or live with lesser legal protections because it does not fit what they perceive what my life should be.

Answer 5

As a gay man I have never, and will never, base my view on "comments" made by my straight counterparts - that way madness lies.

There is absolutely no reason for gay people to kowtow to heterosexuals in order to be allowed to fit in. All we ask is that we are treated equally. Nobody asks a straight person about their sexual activities or whether they have more than 1 partner at the same time if they wish to get married.

The concept that gay people have sex with every person of the same sex that they meet is complete nonsense. This nonsense is spread by both straight and gay people - to what end I do not know.

I'm pleased you're "very gay" but somewhat disappointed that you appear to hold a "very straight" point of view.

Bless.

Answer 6

An aspect seemingly ignored in many of these discussions is the structural beliefs and societal pressures that influence the way we act and our expectations of others.
Firstly, Marriage is a religious ceremony. This does not mean that everyone that gets married is religious. Most simply feel an obligation to comply with peer pressure and expectations. Many marry simply to ensure children are not "illegitimate". Many gays who want to marry are mainly concerned about both partners being recognised as parents of their children ( be they from a previous relationship, by surrogacy or adoption).
Personally I have no time for religion or those naive enough to believe that some big fairy in the sky is going to kiss them better after they die. Hence I have no personal interest in being married. I have lived for 48 years with my male partner in an open relationship. There being no potential consequences involving offspring. which leads us to:-
Secondly, heterosexual morality 'norms' are largely based around the inherent need to protect the gene pool. Clearly it would be genetically suicidal to have brothers and sisters unknowingly marrying or cohabiting and producing inbred offspring. This type of situation is not entirely uncommon amongst straights in smaller towns communities where one or both of the parents have had multiple partners within the community. Often some relative or other person who is in the know about illicit relationships has to step in to avert a brother/sister marriage.
Many gay men are unnecessarily concerned about what the straight community thinks or expects.What we require is the freedom to enjoy life in the same manner as everyone else, without exclusions from societal norms.

Answer 7

I see where you are coming from, but no, I don't think that is why there is such a struggle for the right to marry.

Many people are afraid, many are scared of change. They don't understand that what happens behind closed doors has no effect on their marriage.

Another thing that I have heard is "Where do we draw the line?" I have heard "Next, they'll allow people to marry their dog or their daughter". I know that is a lame thing to say, but I have heard it. I think it is closed minded people, who are not quite up with the times, who make it such a struggle.

Hopefully, soon, everyone will have equal rights.

Honestly, any relationship with 2 (or more) consenting adults should be able to marry. Just what I feel.

Answer 8

not all gay people have open relationships. sum do have a relationship with jus one person while they r with that person. i've not had the honor of having a bf jus yet, but i'm lookin forward to it. i'm fer gay marriage too. and i think it's very f'd up that they refuse to allow it into law. Canada has it! Africa, Britain has it! and yet here only a few states allow it. so much fer freedom. gay marriage has not be legalized in wisconsin yet, but it better become legal soon. if a str8 couple can become married, y not a gay couple. so many of these 'christians' say, 'oh, there's no such thing as being gay. it's sin.' if u'll read my blog u'll see that i completley disagree with that. i won't ever consider myself a christian becuz todays christians love to hate anything that different. the bible doesn't even say it's unforgivable. it jus says it's unnatural. there's nothing wrong with something being unnatural. in fact in sum cases the 2 best things that u can be is unnatural and unchangeable.

Answer 9

I think what you are talking about is a "human" thing and has absolutely nothing to do with sexuality. Some people cannot be committed (if that's the right word, ha) to a single person relationship..whereas others are more comfortable in a monogamous situation (me for example with my boyfriend Roo)...It is really down to an individual choice; but when entering any relationship the other party must be aware of this to make it a workable relationship.

Answer 10

The struggle for the right of lesbians and gay men to marry has been largey based on society's belief that the primary function of marriage is procreation, coupled with its obstinate refusal to see anything else as equal. While I have no doubt that mainstream society has a view on being "careless about monogamy", there are many married people who, as you rightly recognise, are similarly carefree in that regard. The same logic applies to mainstream society's view on cottaging, which it generally finds unpalatable, while remaining silent on the heterosexual sport of dogging. Best wishes to you.

Answer 11

I don't think the heteronormative standard is what we want to hold ourselves up to. It probably doesn't garner us positive attention as a community, but I don't want to be seen as playing into those heterosexual expectations of monogamy. I want to do what's best for my relationship, be it monogamy or an open relationship. I don't want to "be like straight people", but I do want to uphold values that everyone should stand for based upon the idea they're innately good. We think of open relationships as dirty, but really, if the divorce rate for heterosexuals is 50+%, it doesn't sound like it's working out too well. I think our perspective on 'monogamy VS. open relationship' is wrong - they aren't really adversarial, they're just different.

I know many gay couples in committed relationships, but I also know some in open relationships. Everyone finds a groove that works for them, and I think it helps if you're just open and honest with what you want. But we also can't ignore that though open relationships in the gay community exist, it's given lots of media attention, and overshadows the many gay monogamous couples (I won't say committed, because many couples in an open relationship are committed to each other).

I'm not concerned with getting the 'approval' of the straight community, but in guaranteeing equal rights for everyone because we're human, regardless of how our relationships operate.