my ex-husband and father of my two kids has a drug problem?

Question

and our oldest son is 19 and our other son is 14. my 14 year old is wanting to go live with his father and it is not an envirogment I want my son to live in, he visits with him every other weekend and the people my ex hangs with and has over at his place is no good. they have done thing in front of my son and I have questioned my ex and he deines it. I need help.

Answer 1

First, get your sons involved in AlaTeen. It's where teens can go and talk about how alcohol or drug use in others has affected them. Your kids need to have some up front interaction about this stuff and they need to be realistic about how their father is.

Sadly, when you're 14 or 19, a dad who is loose with the rules and does drugs or alcohol would seem pretty cool. Kids don't have that maturity to deal with this stuff. You probably seem boring by comparison. The responsible parent always seems boring and "no fun".

You also need to get involved with some support for dealing with a druggie. Al-anon is a great resource and support system for people who have to deal with addicts. Learn about addicts and it will help you in dealing with your loser ex.

Somebody suggested calling the cops. That might not be a bad idea but I don't think it would be the first thing I'd try. You could try talking to your ex about this stuff but I know what it's like to deal with an addict. They're not real realiable and what they say isn't real reliable either. So that may have little value.

The problem is that I don't think you can stop a 14 year old from making his choice. A 19 year old is clearly outside of your control.

I know it's going to break your heart if your 14 year old picks the addict over you. I know you're going to go nuts with worry if he ends up over there. It won't be a good thing. My heart really goes out to you. I feel for you. I can't suggest Al-Anon enough. Go to a few meetings. You will find some really good support there and you'll be able to talk to some people who are going through similar things.

Be good to yourself and find ways to take care of yourself. This must really take a toll on a person. Maybe talk to an attorney about this. There must be at least something you can do to protect your son. But as he gets older, you will not be able to save him from this crap. If he heads in that direction, there's just not much you're going to be able to do to stop him. He will likely break your heart more than a few times.

I wish your whole family the best.

Answer 2

Dont be surprised if your son might want to go and live with dad because of a drug problem of his own. I am a recoveriing alcoholic (25+ years sober) and was amazed when my 16 year old called me from jail. Anyway come to find out he had been into drinking and occasionally drugging since 14 and we were clueless. You might suggests, if your husband is willing to take your son, tell him you'll consider it if dad has a drug screening, and continues to pass a drug screening for 6 months. Important things first, try to get a real honest answer as to why your son is so adamant about living with his father. Ask him if he has ever had an opportunity to sneak a beer or tobacco or anything while staying with his dad. If you really think the environment is bad, keep son home till dad proves that there is no drug or alcohol activity when the boy is there. Drop in on them the next visit or have a mutual male friend of the two of you do it for you. I hope I haven't opened up a can of worms, and best of luck with your son.

Answer 3

You should stand firm about not allowing the 14 yr. old to live w/his dad. You are so right that the environment would be a terribly unhealthy one for him! In fact, I think that as long as your ex uses, the boys shouldn't go over at all. Talking on the phone or writing, or whatever, would be fine. But visiting, no (just my opinion).

Does you ex pay any child support? Would he stop paying if you said he couldn't see the kids, at least the younger one?

How much contact do they currently have w/their dad? Since your ex is being dishonest about using in front of the 14 yr old, you know you can't trust him.

Keeping the kids away from their dad seems like the best thing you can do. I need to clarify: since the 19 yr old is technically an adult, he should be allowed to make his own decisions about seeing his father.

Answer 4

Girlfriend keep your child anyway from him. I know that it might be hard on your son, but in the long he will thank you for it. I was in the same situation when I was growing up. My Mom still has a drug problem, and if my father would not have been there to take care of me, I don't know where I would be today. Just make sure that your child understands why and make sure that he still will love his father.

Answer 5

I would certainly be reporting this to the authorities. If he is caught doing this with your son in the home, he will be arrested, charged with child endangerment, and won't have unsupervised visitation.
Otherwise, unless you can come up with some kind of proof (especially when he denies it and it is your word against his) there won't be much you can do.
As far as living arrangements go- I would as an attorney.

Answer 6

Tell your son he's lost his mind if he thinks you're sending him to live with his father. He knows why and that should be the end of it.

Answer 7

keep the kids away from him he will not be a good role model for them stand your ground and let your son no why he should not move there.. tell your son he put drugs before him once and he will keep on doing it good luck...

Answer 8

If your husband does not care about his life what makes you think he cares about your sons. Request that he goes to rehab. If not don’t let your kids see him. What if he allows you son to use drugs? Pray

Answer 9

get an attorney if it is that important. He can prove it.