first draft lyrics, what do you think?

Question

First draft lyrics. I am wondering what you think of it, and if you think it needs tweaking in any area. If you think it sucks.Just say it sucks, plain and simple. don't elaborate please.

Sometimes I just want to fly away.
Away from the pain, away from the hurt.

I can see myself stumbling, through the cold,
fridged night.
Shivering, crying, pleading. For someone to find me.
I walk on still, hurt and scared.
Wanting to get out of this dark place of doubt.
To drop my burden, I ache for my wings.

But like a bird, I am not. And as hard as I try,
I can't escape.
And I can't leave this behind me.

So I wait, begging in the dark.
Hoping for a miracle.
Anything to save me from my past.

Locked up into my soul.
I feel trapped. Alone.
I cry out into the darkness.
And it seems its swallowed my plead.

Why can't anyone hear me?
Because I feel so alone.
Can you feel my pain?
Do you know of my loneliness?

Or does anyone care?

Answer 1

I like it.
One way to make it more interesting is to bring in the senses.
Like you might say how the wind feels on your cheek. Is their a tear on the cheek? Does the weather make your eyes sting? What are you wearing, a coat or a dress? See that tells about the cold without actually telling the audience. You bring them into the poetry.

Great start. Keep it up.

Answer 2

i won't say it sucks..cuz that would be mean, but i've heard it before a billion times in other songs. i know u said simple answers, but as a songwriter myself...i have a big suggestion that i think could help u go a long way. Pick up a songwriter's thesauras or go to www.rhymezone.com and replace all of the most common used words with synonyms that feel right. Because you keep mentioning pain, alone, lonliness and dark. Use more adjectives to describe those things...how lonely, what kind of pain, what shade of dark..why. Find symbolisms.

k, i'll shut up now =)

Answer 3

Waiting for the 2nd draft. No, really when writing lyrics try to paint a picture to make other people feel what you are feeling, don't tell them how you feel. Nobody really cares how you feels, but they care tremendously how they themselves feel. Good lyrics make someone feel you are singing their song, their feelings, not yours. You know what I mean? Good lyrics make the listener feel like they are bringing something to the song, like great art makes the viewer feel they are a part of the painting. Anyway...

Answer 4

It's moving, it means that it can't be bad . It reminds me of a text or a song I wrote ... it makes me feel like an echoe ... and it makes me think of songs I like . Keep on writting ! I wish you the best .

Answer 5

good lyrics....

let me tell you somethin now,

God cares, he loves you soooo much.

I know it probably doesn't seem like he's there, because of what you're going through... but it's not him, it's you.. he's not punishing you or anything like that, but if you don't have faith in him, he doesn't have to prove himself.
"Draw near to God, and He will draw near to you."

Answer 6

i like it-kinda like one that ive written. u go girl!

Answer 7

deep.