how do you deal with 20 yr old dghtr who has moved out; making mistakes left & right; but resents all advice?!

Question

She acts like she knows EVERYTHING yet is making terrible life choices... she has been evicted 3 times, has all but ruined her credit, ticked off EVERYONE in family; they're all avoiding her, now; but everytime I try to patiently help her, she resents or refuses my advice; she argues incessantly if she doesn't hear what she wants to! I am NOT going to lie to her... I love her more than life; I do not have a clue how to move foward & get past this.
I am very very tired of all the drama; every other day it's something foolish +/or chaotic... she is just so different; I actually *miss* her; That's pretty sad. What should I do?

Answer 1

I'm sorry you are having such a hard time, but you can not live her life for her. If she chooses not to listen to your advice or your counselling, that is up to her.

It's time to back off and let her make her mistakes with out you bailing her out. There is only so much you can do. And no, never lie to her. Just because she's clueless as to what the real world is all about, doesn't mean you should stop loving her. And yes, it hurts to see her doing this to herself. Please don't let her drag you down with her.

Stop helping her until she is sincere about straightening out her life.

I know someone just like your daughter. I've seen her parents get gray with worry over her. Her parents used to be happy, laid back people, and so was she! But the minute she moved out and was on her own, she involved them in every mistake she made, has caused them to "bail" her out of several situations and caused them financial stress. The couple talked to their minister and when he realized what their daughter was doing, told them to just STOP.

If you go to church, at least talk to your minister. I wish you luck and will keep you and your daughter in my prayers.

Answer 2

I am 21 so I can only tell you from my experience what your daughter is going through and etc...which is what this all comes down to anyway.
We(young adults) have to learn things on our own. We are going to make mistakes. Not saying I was a problem teen or she was a problem teen or is a problem young adult or anything but, just as you lived and learned from your mistakes so will she. You will not always be around to catch her fall so sometimes let her handle things on her own without giving your opinion. Hey...she is going to do what she wants to do regardless. I messed my credit up over the past 3 years and I am alive and doing well. I wished I hadnt but hey...I had fun and I have a few things to show for it. I have skipped out on some leases and etc also. I know better now. One day she will look back at her mistakes and laugh. It is great that you have her back when she needs you but have to let go. You can miss the old her and etc but you have to face it. Things have changed. It could be worse. My mom is there for me also but she knows that at the end of the day I am going to make my own "grown" decisions and that is that. Now dont get me wrong I dont disrespect my mother or anything. Also if she doesnt want your advice she should come to you for help or etc....(that is a different story though)
Keep your head high and just know that she is lucky to have a mom like you that actually cares for her.
Everyone doesnt have parents who care.

Answer 3

I understand loving your child unconditionally; and it is terrible to watch them make mistakes, that alters there life. And if she knows everything, then I guess she already know how thing are and are gonna be. But my question is? Does daddy, always pick up the pieces for her? when she was evicted 3x did she move back to you?
Maybe she needs a lesson in hard knocks, tough love. Tell her I love you , but there is a limit to what I am able to stand. That if she feels she is so grown that anything you have to say she ignores, or wants to argue with you about, then there is nothing more to say except If she chooses to live her life in Drama then she needs to take it somewhere else because you and most of the family has had enough, you don't want to see it or hear it anymore, that if she wants to come visit you she is always welcome but don't bring the chaoticness there, if she is adult enough to get into the situations she is in, she can be mature enough to get out of it on her own. Your house is your home it doesn't have a revolving door so its either in ( With rules) or Out (making it on your own), and that you will help her if you feel she is trying to help herself, but you are not the Bank or Hotel.

Answer 4

Well...you let her go right ahead and make her mistakes.
It's part of the process of achieving adulthood, and it's probably more common than you think (even though most people are convinced otherwise!)
If she doesn't like what you have to say, stop offering her advice (unless she solicits it.) You need to stand firm. If you want her to be a responsible adult, under NO circumstances should you bail her out financially. This is hard to resist as a parent, but it's what you must do. Be available to her if she needs to talk, but don't plead with her or beg. That's exactly what she wants you to do.
She'll eventually reach a point when she realizes her choices were bad, and that you were right all along. That's when you'll get your daughter back.

Answer 5

This is one of the hardest times in your life. You have to let her make her own mistakes. Your going to have to let her fall before you can help pick her up. As awful as this may sound don't inable her. Stop listening to the drama. She is 20 and knows everything about everything and the more you argue with her the more she is going to fight you. all you really can do is be there to pick up the pieces when she finally hits rock bottom, but don't make everything right for her. Make her figure it out. You just be there for support and love. Best of luck.

By the way, I understand this because when I was 20 I knew everything and my mother was the biggest B**** in the world. Now, I spend more time saying Sorry.

Answer 6

you let her make the mistakes...do not, I repeat, do not bail her out. She won't learn a thing from that. don't give her unsolicited advice. Tell her you will keep your mouth shut with advice because you won't lie to her and by the same tolken you don't want to hear about all the foolish and chaotic drama. Tell her you love her and you would love it if she stopped by once a week for dinner and when she is ready to get her life together you will be glad to hear her out and help to point her in the right direction. sorry but it sounds like she needs to live an learn.

Answer 7

I say this with the utmost respect and mean no offense... but you need to back off. Simply back away and allow your daughter the dignity of making her own mistakes. Your relationship with her does not sound healthy at all.

Be there, be supportive but do not help her. Being supportive does not involve offering help. Do not help. Let her make her own choices but let her figure out how to deal with the fallout on her own. She's 20 years old. She's an adult. Your job is done. Just because she is failing is not a reflection on you or what kind of parent you were. I've seen some total ****** parents raise nice kids and I've seen some pretty competent people raise total flakes. This ain't about you. Back off and let her do her thing.

It's okay to miss your kid. But stop meddling. You're just making things worse. I can't tell you enough to just back away and let her do her thing. At 20, a lot of kids are idiots. She will pay the price for her mistakes. If you try to save her from this stuff or protect her or even try to advise her, you'll just mess things up even more for her.

If you're at all religious, you need to pray to God to keep her safe and help her. I'm not particularly religious but I like the idea of turning things over to something other than myself. Most of what we worry about either never happens or resolves on its own. This will all work out whether you fret about it or not. So stop fretting and live your own life and allow your daughter to live hers.

Your daughter does know everything. She's 20 -- and when you're 20, you know everything. Not much you can do about that until she learns more, and she will. Why would you help somebody who has all the answers? And why would you help a 20 year old (adult) child? Doesn't make sense to me. Not helping isn't the same as not loving. And sometimes the most loving thing you can do is to NOT HELP.

If she argues incessantly then stop arguing. Talk about the weather. Your job as mommy is done. As for lying -- yeah, don't lie to her but don't offer your opinions unless you're asked for them and even then, don't argue. Better yet, don't even offer your opinion when you're asked for it. Simply tell her that she's an adult and where you know she's having a rough time, you know she'll work it all out in the end.

Tired of all the drama? Change the station. There are other things in life that are more deserving of your attention. Your daughter sounds to me like an addict or alcoholic. That's how such people act and all those around them react and go nuts along with them. If this is the case, get help for yourself. Al-Anon would be a good place to start.

Back off. Back off. Back off. The most loving thing to do is back off and let her live her life. You made your mistakes in life now let her make hers. To do otherwise will ultimately destroy your relationship with your daughter.

Find something else to occupy your time and attention.

Things will turn around for your daughter if only you let her find her way. Stopy trying to be mommy to a 20 year old and just be a friend.

You sound like you're pretty riled up over all this. I hope you find some peace.

Answer 8

HONESTLY. You have done everything you can to raise her right. She knows right from wrong. When your children go out in the world you hope that they have taken what you have taught them and apply it in their lives. She is making mistakes which is a part of life and she will learn from them. You CANT give her help if she doesnt want it or ask for it. Its normal for you to miss your daughter. There is nothing that you can do for her except pray that God leads her on the right path and be there for her if she needs you. Its something you will probably never get pass and move forward. Your daugther KNOWS that you lover her, care about her, and that you are there for her. God Bless!

Answer 9

Honestly, cut the apron strings and change the locks on your doors.
The only way she is going to learn is if she has to do it herself.
You are only enabling her by continuing to monetarily support her mistakes.
What you miss is probably the happier times. But reality is life is not a fairy tale.
Get yourself a good therapist and get the help you need to be strong enough to allow your daughter to fail. The hardest thing you can do is watch her fail, but you've done your job by teaching her as best as you can. It is now up to her to make her own choices and learn to live with the consequences. You're not doing her any favors by bailing her out.

Answer 10

Something is very wrong. Is she using drugs? Or maybe a mental illness? There is not much you can do for her. The important thing is that you do not enable her irresponsible behavior by bailing her out of jams. She needs to experience the consequence of her actions. My guess is that she blames everyone but herself. Don't get drawn into her chaos. If she calls for help or advice just put the responsibility back on her to solve her problems.