I am 34 weeks pregnant and my husband would rather.....?

Question

My husband would rather stay up at night and look at porn on the computer than come to bed and have sex with me. I am 24 and pregnant with baby number three. I am only 10 pounds heavier than with the last two pregnancies and he couldn't keep his hands off of me with them. We went on our honeymoon when I was 8 months pregnant with number one and you would never have known I was pregnant by the amount of time we spent in the hotel room. I have talked to him about this several times and he says he'll be better about it but we only have sex 2 or three times a month. I have been told all my life how pretty I am and now my husband can't stand to come to bed with me and I don't know what to do. I am getting really depressed about this and it really hurts. What should I do?

He gets really embarassed if I'm in the room while he's looking.

Answer 1

This is only my opinion, but being a male my perspective may be helpful. My wife decided I should reply to your dilemma. A 3rd baby may be putting the financial stranglehold worries in his mind a bit. Or, like for me, a baby was pretty much equivalent to the end of my single life - the free life. I understand that it is your 3rd, but sometimes different seeded issues bubble to the surface at different times. In the society we live in there are a lot negatives associated with families and children and commitment, and each one of these categories' issues increases the others' associated issues exponentially. Also there is the issue that men have, and will always have, which is the fact that we are creatures of variety. Over time the excitement of sex with the same person can be lost for a male, as well as a female I imagine (although there are a lot more emotional connections going on for a woman during sex than a man), and the newness of it is lost. That explains pornography surfing, its constant variety, and no pressure to make any emotional connection.

this is difficult for us to tell women, because it is hard for them not to take it personally. So we won't tell you out of the fear of hurting you. So to paraphrase, he is disconnected a bit with possible issues involving this pregnancy and possibly commitment, and the excitment and freshness of the relationship is spent. So first of all, you have to fully understand that it is not personal, its his issues. You have decisions to make about the way you want to handle the situation. also understand, nothing you can do to him or say to him is going to cure him of these issues. You must be a stone, and focus on you and the babies. The less you focus on him, the less pressure he will feel, and thus one less thing he has to worry about during this time, and more than likely the less time he spends in this place. I don't know either of you, so it is hard to give you specifics. Take it easy, do things that make you feel good for yourself, long baths, alone time, enjoy you. if the issue seems to be increasingly serious and you are unhappy, the only way to figure out what to do is thru communcation. Perhaps that means relationship councelling for you. I think everyone can use an outside view on their life. I hope I have shed some light.

Answer 2

You sound wonderful. And pregnant women are generally wonderful, warm, sensual creatures with a beautiful glow about them. Something is seriously wrong with your husband. What an idiot he is.

Think about it... Hmmmmm.... Nice soft, warm, wonderful woman or a stupid picture of some unrealistic looking woman on the net. Your husband has issues. He needs counseling.

There is also the issue that he is looking at porn in such a way that you're aware of it. That doesn't sound very respectful. I would think a good man would do all he could to make sure not to make you feel insecure at what must be a difficult time for you.

Two or three times a month? I don't get it. Is he gay? Is he having an affair? Something is wrong. That just ain't normal. And you don't need this while you're pregnant. What a jerk. Arrrrrgggghhhh!!!! I hate to hear about stuff like this. Women are special and should not be treated as you are being treated. You should be treated with great care and respect.

I can see why you would feel hurt. And at 24 most women look pretty darn good, pregnant or not. But it's not you. You sound normal to me. You want a little closeness and most normal guys would think that was absolutely wonderful and would gladly cooperate toward that end. And any man with half a brain knows that sex during pregnancy is great stuff. Not something I'd be missing if I were in his shoes. What a dummy! Sorry kid, I don't mean to go on and on about that but he really is a drip.

So my advice is try to get help for your hubby. He's missing out big time. Somebody needs to shake him awake. Is he depressed or something? Gay? I'm just left scratching my head...

I sure hope this resolves for you. You sound wonderful and you deserve way better than this. Demand better because if you don't, you'll never get it from this guy. Tell him this is unacceptable and you want him to work on this with you. Get counseling. For sure. You need help with this. What a dummy he is!!!! I can't get over that...

This is not your problem, this is his problem. But his problem is affecting you. I wouldn't trust this guy. Keep an eye on him. He sounds like he is up to no good. What is wrong with young guys these days? I've been through a number of pregancies and never acted that way.

You do know that it's normal for guys to get a little weird with a pregnancy but that's usually the first one. By the third time, this guy should be an old hand at this and he should have it all down by now.

You deserve better. Demand it. What a bunch of crap. Geez, I think I'm more pissed off at this guy than you are.

Best of luck to you and your family!

Answer 3

Well, you have three children and you are only 24. How old is he? It seems as if you are pumping out babies a bit fast and this has got you both down. He is watching porn, longing for the old days when he felt like a stud instead of a financial provider for three children and wife. This doesn't excuse him. You don't have a choice about it now, so he should step up, buck up, and support you through this since he cooperated in making this child. This has nothing to do with your beauty. It has to do with reality. The daily grind. He sounds depressed, just like you. Take him by the hand, and get to a marriage counselor or your church pastor to talk this over, if things don't change soon. Try fixing him a lovely dinner, putting the other kids in bed early, and lighting some candles, and setting a mood. Tell him how much you love him and need him. Tell him how much you want him to want you. Good luck. And congratulations on the new baby.

Answer 4

geez, don't listen to whoever said to divorce him.

Maybe something happened during the first two pregnancies where now during your third, he just lost some of his desire. Or maybe it was some fantasy of his to have a lot of sex while you were pregnant so now that it's baby number 3, the fantasy has passed.

or it could be like any other couple where the passion slows down in time. it happens to EVERYONE. If it didn't, we'd be seeing older folks making out on the park benches and in the malls with their tongues down each other's throats. What a crazy sight...

But really, you will never get your answer here because clearly there's something that's holding him back from sleeping with you. So you just need to ask him.

Answer 5

I think that you should sit down and explain to your husband that you really miss his affection right now and ask him if there is something that maybe you both could do to spice up the romance. Men are men, and some of them are going to look at porn no matter how satisfied they are. (I've finally come to realize this.) Communication is really important in a marriage. Be honest and don't hold back how you feel. Your husband should realize how this is making you upset once you let it all out. I hope everything works out for you.

Answer 6

BEWARE porn sites... MUST READ!!!
20/20 had a shocking story last night that will make him think twice!!!!!
http://abcnews.go.com/Video/guide?category=2020&subcategory=2020_webcasts_subnav&id=2791168#2791168it
This is a true story on 20/20. This young guy man was put in jail because child porn was found on his computer!! Well come to find out he really had never looked at child porn but 9 pictures were found on the home computer. He had to go to jail, had to be labeled a Pedophile, it was a big ordeal. Finally after years a computer professional extensively studied his hard drive, and after 2 years finally prooved he had never been looking at it after all. Computer Hi Jackers or Hackers had invaded the computer and had been storing there illegal pron among other things on his computer!!!!!!!! The professional said a large percent of people are victims and don't even know it! Make him read that story.
Your very emotional right now!!!!!!!!!!! Everything seems more intensified, that happens to most married couple weather they are pregnant or not! Stop being so hard on yourself. I would say 2 or 3 times a month is good. He really shouldn't stay on the Internet so long especially looking at porn. Especially when it is making you feel so bad.

Answer 7

Your husband could be having all sorts of issues -- some dealing with you and some not. Perhaps with a 3rd child on the way, he is worried about financial matters or perhaps, he's feeling overwhelmed by the prospect of having another child. He could possibly feel guilty because he got your pregnant again (especially if this was an unintended pregnancy.) Pregnancy creates a whole lot of changes in both partners lives, and not all the changes are positive. Instead of asking him to have more sex or why he's not wanting to have sex with you, perhaps you could ask him what he's feeling about his life and his feelings about the future.

Answer 8

Summer
I don't think this has anything to do with your appearance...it has everything to do with his attitude.
I recently saw a tv program on porn addiction. These men substitute internet porn for a real physical relationship with a real woman. They get to a point where they require the porn to become more and more kinky in order for them to be satisfied, and many of them actually lose the ability to perform with a woman.
Coud this be your husband's problem Summer? He really needs to be in counseling. But know this...it's not YOU, your appearance, or anything you've done wrong, Sweetie. It's him.

Answer 9

I am a mom of three myself, I think your situation is being made worse because you dont feel attractive, you may be sending him low self esteem vibes. Maybe he is stressed as well and is just not in the mood. I am sure it does not have anything to do with him not being attracted to you anymore. Try to stay positive. Most couples sex lives diminish after they have been together for a long time also. All of these factors may have something to do with it. Good Luck sweetie everything will be just fine.

Answer 10

You husband is addicted to porn. You need to nip this in the bud now, before it gets worse. This may lead him to affairs and divorce. I recommend some type of intervention, whether it's the local pastor or a family member. Go on the internet and do a search for Sexual Addicts Anonymous and see if there is a chapter in your town or state. Get some help from them, so you can help your husband.