What do you tell a depressed elderly person at the end of his life?

Question

I know an 80 year old man who is in a nursing home and his health is deteriorating. He is very unhappy and I think he is getting...demented.

He feels like his life is a failure and a waste because he didn't do enough to ensure the wellbeing of his grandchildren (which in his mind means disarming the threat of global chaos so that mankind and his grandchildren will not go extinct after he is gone). The uncertainty of their future is far more painful to him than the uncertainty of his own afterlife.

He is very knowledgable about the world religions and about science but does not have unshakable faith in a Jesus figure coming to save us despite our foolishness. Furthermore, I am not knowledgable enough to be qualified to challenge him on grounds of faith.

I really do not like to watch this happen so do any of you have ideas as to what I could say or do to prove to him that humanity has the capacity to save itself? I'm not sure that I believe it myself...

Answer 1

Hello. I’m one of the writers for Gilbert Guide (the foremost resource for everything senior care) and I’ve recently done some research on dealing with end-of-life issues. I think you hit the nail right on the head in pointing out that you don’t necessarily have the qualifications to dissuade him in regards to his fears for the world’s future. My personal opinion is that what he needs right now is not to be reassured that the world will save itself but merely to be able to vent his fears and emotions.

In reading The Needs of the Dying by David Kessler, I came across a passage about hope. The author says that dying people tend to hang on to two things: hope and fear. Without one, all that’s left is the other. In this case, it sounds like fear is the predominant emotion, and it’s entirely possible he’s focusing on his fears for humanity as a way to avoid dealing with his fears for himself. In regards to his fears for humanity, well, ultimately every one of his grandchildren will be sitting where he’s sitting some day—looking back on life, feeling they didn’t accomplish enough and wondering how their loved ones will fare.

What you say at this point is nowhere near as important as your capacity to listen. The issues he’s discussing are far too complicated to be resolved through comforting words or even words of wisdom. It may be painful to watch him torture himself over what he did or didn’t do, but letting him feel what he needs to feel is probably the most compassionate thing you can do. If he asks you if you agree with him or looks for your support in his morbid assessment of our world’s ultimate fate, I would recommend giving your honest opinions and discussing the issue as you would were he not dying. He may want a heated debate just to feel alive, which he still is, up until the very moment his life ends.

Best of luck—
Gilbert Guide

Answer 2

What I tell my buddies greaving about the recently deceased is how futurists predict a day we will be able to live forever inside computer networks, that ultra top secret technology is decades ahead of anything in the public sector, that I believe the group of disgruntled CIA agents I joined up with in 1975 when I was suspected of being abused at home have been working nonstop on such technology, and that my illustrated essay on Brain Implants is credited as the basis for the article in the world's largest encyclopedia, Wikipedia. My Cloning essay isn't too shabby either.

I have faith that an artificial afterlife has been created and that we're all going whether we want to or not. Jesus did say that the first people would be last and the last people first to enter the kingdom of Heaven. Now I just need to learn some quantum string theory to better understand space/time to figure out how to grab the "souls" of persons past.
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Answer 3

The professionals who care for him will know if he is demented/senile, and what to do about that. May you have many visits with him so that he can see that there is hope for his descendants. You are right about the way things are in this life - chaos and dismay.

However, remind this gentleman that there was chaos and dismay 60 years ago in WW2 when he was a young man, and that often there are ways to improve such things. It has always been hard to allow our younger generation the responsibility to carry on. They always do though!!

I like the other answers that say let him talk and talk. Faith in a certain religion is up to the individual. Maybe a Bible reading would be inspirational. Ask if he would like you to read him something spiritual.

Sounds as though he has a good friend in you. Well done

Answer 4

I would be a listener. I would acknowledge his pain and fears and apphrehension. l would let this person know his life mattered and will have an impact on others when he is gone to the infinite.
I would be open to his words and give him your own honest truth of not knowing what the future holds. Let him know the struggle for survival is what we humans are known for and that where there is hope the flame of life will not be extinguished.
I had a similar conversation with my grandmother of 83, she was not a believer in God. I did not try to change her mind, but she asked me quite simply on her death bed if God was real, I said I believe so and she decided for herself. God is who she thinks he is and where she is. Maybe when she greets me I will know the truth too. So as to this old man, be there for him. Sounds amazing he does.

Answer 5

Even though he seems frail and vulnerable, he's a grown man. Treating him with the respect he is due, beyond that, let him reminisce, ask him to share his memories with you. Just listen earnestly, you may find it far more enjoyable than you imagine.

He may not want to acknowledge his faith verbally, he does feel it inside.

Answer 6

I probably would not focus on any of that but instead get him to tell me his memories. He could be a wealth of information about how things were back when. What did he do when he was younger, where did he live, what about his parents and grandparents? What games did he play when he was a boy? Who were his friends? How old was he when he first drove a car? First date?
Stuff like that...

Answer 7

you cant give up on him even though a person knows something cant be changed its always good to have someone on your side to comfort you.i dont want to get to much into religion because i dont want to tell any one what to believe in but everyone has to believe in something.it seems like to me thats why his life is so miserable

Answer 8

All you have to do is listen. The dying want to be heard, acknowledged, noticed. That's all you can do.

Answer 9

listen to them. that's all i could imagine i would want if i was dying.

Answer 10

let him go nute so he will be easyer to purswade in to thinking properly