How to deal with a back stabbing ,gossiping, bad family?

Question

After spending time with my future husbands family I have come to the conclusion thease people are bad to the core. Never have I delt with a big bunch of lying back stabbers. The problem is my boyfriend is in jail and after living with them briefly have come to the conclusion I CAN'T DEAL WITH THEM.They lie steal from me start gossip and are slobs. Do I have the right to tell boyfriend it them or me? I'm trying to bring my boyfriend to a healthy environment when he gets out and thats no his family,thats were it all starterd the drugs stealing lying. I keep trying to tell myself its his family cut'em some slack but they are bad people ( ifeel).My family doesnt lie or steal or do drugs they are succesful because they worked hard all there lives NEVER stealing from people and have a word that means something.I don't know some times I think I should just leave.I made him a promise to wait for him so I am...am I a fool?

Answer 1

No, you are not a fool, but I do need to ask you...do you love this man or are you trying to save him? He is in jail because of the moral and ethical values his family instilled on him since he was a baby, he was shown that it was OK, to lie, cheat and steal. That is going to take a long time to undo. Of course if he is to be rehabilitated he has to cut contact with his family. Just because a person is born to a mother and father doesnt make what those parents teach the child is right. His family have damaged him to the point where he is serving time right now, and if he refuses to accept that he is there because of the values he has learnt from his family and realise he needs to cut contact with them, then you are going to have an uphill battle all the way.

I know its tough to give him the ultimatum...them or you, but in your situation, I think that is exactly what you need to do, otherwise you are going to have problems the rest of your life. You made a promise to wait for him, but did you specify what you are and are not prepared to accept. Sure, wait for him, but put some stipulations of your own on it. If he is not prepared to see your point of view...if he doesnt see how his family has been the biggest influence in getting him jailed, then Im afraid, your relationship is going to be doomed. Love can do a lot of things, but dont be so blind as to think you are going to change him overnight. People marry for love when they know their fiance is an alcoholic...they think the alcoholic is something that will be changed miraculously because of love. It doesnt work like that. He was a criminal because of his upbringing. How are you going to undo it. He has had many years to develop the person he is, and that is not going to be an easy thing to undo. The only hope I see is that he cuts ties with his family and start seeing the "good" side of life....allow him the time to see there is a different way to live, but whilever he goes back and forward...from good to bad, I dont think it will work. He needs to make a choice, otherwise you will encounter more problems than you could possibly imagine.

Talk to him, call a spade a spade, dont sugar coat it. He must know his family dont live how a respectable person should live. He cant make any acceptable excuses for them because stealing and lying and taking drugs is not an acceptable way for anyone to live their lives. Unless you put your needs in this matter first, then you are going to suffer years of heartache if it is not resolved now.

I wish you all the best. I think you are going to need luck on your side more than anything. First things first though...if he is prepared to cut ties with his family, then maybe this thing has a chance to work. If he wont, then believe me, you and any future children you may have will suffer because of it. I also suggest that the two of you go to counselling to get a lot of issues sorted out. This is not a normal situation for anyone....there are issues that are pretty serious that need intervention. Love alone will not sort this problem out. He is the key for you to decide if it is going to work or not. If he is serious about you, then he will understand. And if you accept him on any terms and you still have contact with his family...how do you think that is going to impact on the children that may come along. Think very hard about what your future is going to be like before you make a commitment to him. You are playing with your unborn childrens lives too if they are forced to be a part of a family with no moral, ethical or legal values. Think about it long and hard.

Answer 2

Wait for him and tell him that you love and care for his well being. Say to him that you want to move away with him so a new place like the desert or the mountains. Tell him you want to strengthen the relationship between the two of you and want the two of you to take a break from his family for bonding. Try saying that, it might work. You don't know what number you'll get until you roll the dice, right?

(((( I wouldn't be the LEASE bit surprise if it's family influence that brought him to the pen. ))))

Answer 3

yes this must be hard for you know wonder his in jail if his whole family is like that. very old saying monkey see monkey do...in this case you need to think about yourself is he really going to change he,s ways when he gets out ?? it will be hard for him to with he.s family he will get no support from them. you need to think long and hard whats best for you on the one hand you love this guy i hear that but on the other hand do you want to spend a lot of your time alone while he is sitting in jail time and time again... dont let yourself become home alone wife good luck and i hope what ever you decide to do it works out fine for you...