You have gone to a health spa. Can you write an amusing paragraph or 2 or more that includes these phrases?

Question

1. Yes, I know you are the best trainer...blah,blah,blah.
2. My compliments to the chef....this IS real food, right?!
3. And my boyfriend had the nerve to tell me....
4. All this and a migraine,too.
5. Well, zippadee do dah!
6. I might as well be in Dodge City on a Saturday night!

DON'T FORGET>>>>ALL THE PHRASES NEED TO BE INCLUDED, AS WRITTEN.

Answer 1

Why on earth did I let myself be talked into it. It is certainly not my way to spend a weekend - living like a rabbit. Three days in a health spa. It might just as well have been three days in prison.

It had all started when my friend Charlie won a competition for two to spend three days at a so-called Health Spa. Oaklands by name, but not a single tree in sight. A more windswept Godforsaken spot on this good Earth, I doubt if you could ever find. Not that you would search for such a place in any event.

I had allowed Charlie to talk me into joining him 'Just for the laugh' as he had described it. Now here we were and no sooner had we deposited our weekend bags in our rooms, but we were 'ordered' to appear in the Gymnasium. The man in charge, a PTI from the SAS, I have no doubt, started ordering us about like schoolkids. I told Charlie that I was leaving immediately if he kept shouting at us the way he was doing.

In actual fact, he either read my mind or had very acute hearing, as he shouted at the top of his voice 'So, a certain little fat man cannot take even five minutes of exercise'. I could see that he was looking at me when he said it so I just replied 'Yes, I know you are the best trainer here, you blinkingwell haven't stopped telling us since we arrived'. He went as red as a beetroot and I thought he was going to have a seizure.

He appeared to ignore me after that, as I was the only one not paying him any notice. I just walked around. Charlie on the other hand was putting his heart and soul into the exercises.

Half-an-hour later, after a quick cold shower we were 'ordered' to the restaurant. 'I'm starving Chas' I said to my friend 'what do you reckon they feed us here'. 'Dunno Pad' Charlie had that look on his face that told me that he knew only too well.

A small side plate was placed in front of each of us on which was one leaf of lettuce, a quarter slice of tomatoe, two rings of cucumber and the smallest spring onion I have ever seen. The lady who was sitting opposite us, spoke up but quietly said 'I am afraid that's it. I've been here all week. Nothing else until tomorrow morning. And my boyfriend had the nerve to tell me that the food was fantastic'. At the thought of it, I began to see little squiggly things pass across my eyes. 'Geeze' I said to Charlie 'all this and a migrane too'.

'Calm down Pad' Charlie whispered 'I managed to sneak in a couple of bars of chocolate. We can have them later'. The woman opposite had obviously heard what he had said and whispered back 'I'll give you five pounds for each bar, no questions asked'. 'No way' I objected to Charlie. 'Alright' she continued ten pounds each'. 'Crikey' Charlie turned his back on her and whispered in my ear 'If we get a chance, we can make a fortune here at a tenner a bar, we better think up a good plan to get a load in somehow'.

Three bites later, and my so-called meal was ended. Already the spring onion scallion was repeating on me. We decided to have a little walk out on the veranda. As I lit my pipe, a white clad woman walked up to me and almost knocked the pipe out of my mouth. 'No, no, no, sir. You are not allowed to smoke. That is the whole idea, to cleanse your heart and soul'. She marched away and I thought 'At least she didn't take the pipe, she made me feel like a little schoolboy losing his catapult'.

Ten minutes later, with the hunger pains really kicking in and the craving for tobacco having a fight with the hunger, I shook Charlie and said 'I have got to get away Chas, lets take a walk well away from the house'. Charlie was resigned and slowly joined me as I walked away towards some street lights about a quarter of a mile away. As I moved into the hedgerow, I immediately lit my pipe and sat down against a low wall which skirted the complex.

Suddenly, a sound came from the other side of the wall 'Well, zippadee do dah, zippadee yay, my oh my what a wonderful day'. At the same time a head popped over the wall. The biggest smile I have ever seen on the face of a young man of about twenty beamed at us. 'Well lads, lets have your orders, you're new here, ain't yez'. 'Orders for what' I asked thinking that he too was a staff member.

'Well', he said 'I can do a nice fresh Cod and Chips, Indian or Chinese Curry or if you want a real blow out, a nice Sirloin steak with all the trimmings'. 'Are you serious' asked Charlie. 'Yeah, of course I am. I have a nice little trade going here in the evenings. I can get you whatever you like as long as you have the money'.

'Blinking hell, Charlie' I exclaimed 'I think we've struck oil'. Charlie could see his healthy weekend slowly flowing down the drain. 'I'll have double cod and double chips' I asked 'and get my mate just two large sausages and ordinary chips'. The young man appeared to be looking up a list and suddenly said 'A tenner will cover the lot Guv' he said 'pay me when I get back'. I suddenly had a second thought 'I'll tell you what I will do young man' I said 'If you don't get anyone else anything to eat and get us about twenty packets of chocolate biscuits and about fifty bars of chocolate, I will give you fifty quid and no questions asked'. 'Done' he said, 'but I will need some money to get that lot'. I gave him three twenty pound notes and we awaited his return.

As expected, he returned and gave the signal 'Zippadee do dah', then popped his head up. 'Here you go Guv. Everything you asked for and twelve quid change'. He handed over several heavy shopping carrier bags. I could see other 'guests' coming towards us. 'Keep the change young man, see you again at the same time tomorrow night, ok' I said to him. 'Sure Guv. You're a gent, same time tomorrow - see you' and he was gone.

The other guests arrived and on seeing the food we had begun to eat asked where the young man was. 'Sorry' I said in my most sincere voice 'but he had to leave in a hurry. His mother was not well'. The smell of fish and chips was obviously having the desired effect on them. There was a chorus of 'What are we going to do now'. 'Well' I casually said 'I have a few bits and pieces that might keep the hunger pangs away until tomorrow, who wants some'.

Well all I will say to end the tale is that for the next ten minutes or so, I might as well be in Dodge City on a Saturday night, as I sold chocolate biscuits at ten pounds a packet and chocolate bars at five pounds each. The lot were gone in ten minutes flat.

'Geeze' was all Charlie could say with his mouth full of sausage 'I wonder what you will get up to next Pad'. 'Well' I replied 'right now we are going back to the main building, collecting our gear and getting out of here. I now have nearly three hundred pounds profit to spend and I can think of several better ways to spend a weekend, so come on lets get at it......................'