is this ethical? please read!?

Question

i've been married to my husband for 2 1/2 years...been at home with our son for most of our marriage. we've never ha da great marriage, we fight alot b/c i feel he doesn't put his family first. i'm trying to get us out of debt and save up for a house...but he goes out to the bar with his buddies, or goes to fast food places on lunchbreak even though i pack him a lunch.
i'm taking online courses to become a medical transcriptionist...which will allow me to work at home.

is it ethical to plan on saving up my own money and presenting the ultimatum (sp?) to my husband that he needs to straighten up and fly right, and be the husband and father that he's supposed to be or he can hit the bricks...b/c i don't need his financial support anymore...? or should i be the "good little wife" and stick it out our marriage no matter what?

Answer 1

I say take the ultimatum route! He needs to grow up and respect you and all that you are doing as well!

Best of luck to you!!

Answer 2

You bet, honey!!!!! You did a typical thing lots of women do -- get married, have a child too soon, the guy will bail before five years, and you'll be stuck at home with no education, and no way to make a good living, become a single mom and be resentful. This is what my mom told me.
1. The most important decision you make in your life is who you marry.
2. Don't have children unless you can support them yourself
3. Don't have children until your are in a solid marriage, and maybe even not then... children are not bonding, they are divisive.
4. Always have a profession or skill you can fall back on... you will indeed have to work sometime during your life... marriage is not a lifelong meal ticket...... never be financially trapped.
5. Have a secret stash of cash ( the more, the better) for your own uses even if you know you will never need it.

Use whatever fits here hon... my mom, bless her heart, was one wise lady.....

Answer 3

I think your plan to secure your indavidual personal future is a great idea and if you can pull it off by all means do it, I mean its only practical and its one of those what they dont know wont hurt um deals where its actually ok to do. Its really smart actually because of todays divorce rates and the fact that everyone seems to be posessed by the devil when it comes to revenge and the way we treat eachother. I dont know about everything else you said thats up to you, you know if you want to stick it out you'll have to think about that but I'll tell ya its gonna be a whole lot easier to make an honast decision from the heart when you know financially your able to walk away easily actually thats the only way you'll know you'll be making a decision for the right reasons instead of what tons of women do and thats stay because it will be easier or they dont have the money, this would make a difference in so many peoples lives if women had this back up plan and a lot more men probly wouldnt play so many games if they saw women being this independant money wise, anyways goodluck Kim

Answer 4

If you want a house with your husband and your son as a family; your husband needs to be involved. We are currently trying to save for a house, get the bills all paid off,etc.. It is a very hard thing to do to be sure, and we may not get all the money saved we need for a few years, but we have a plan to do it together. Cut costs where you can and where it is mutually agreed. Get the land line shut off if you have a cell phone, refinance the vehicles for a lower percentage rate, and use coupons. Get a budget together, where is the money going? What can we do without? Make sure he knows how important a house is to you. Ask him to eat out every Friday, instead of every day, and find out who is paying when he goes out with his friends, maybe they take turns paying. Hope this helped, good luck.

Answer 5

You have a responsibility to protect your son first and foremost. There is nothing wrong with saving your own money so that if things get worse you have a way out. You owe that to yourself and to your son. Your husband is acting like a child.
I think you should sit down and talk with him and tell him what is going on and how you feel.
And well, if you don't tell him about the secret bank account, then it will be our little secret!
Best of luck!

Answer 6

I believe that a man or women who is the bread winner in the home is entitled to certain things--my husband gets an "allowance" so to speak--he spends it on what ever he wants, beer, food, lottery tickets etc., this allows him to feel like all the work he is doing isn't for nothing, and as long as we have what we need then it is all good. I stay at home too, and I used to be the primary bread winner, so I know what it feels like. We came to a compromise and that is how we resolved this.

Answer 7

What's ethical? Based on what you disclosed so far, I'd say you are in the right track. Go for the plan. Good luck! I expect to hear you are in much better life in two years than the rut you are in now...or hopefully your husband would see the light soon before you loss any shred of respect and love you have.

Answer 8

I think that the ultimatum idea is fine. He needs to take responsibility for the family including your little boy. He can not only think of himself and spend how he wants. He should be acting like responsible father and husband now.

Answer 9

Did you marry him knowing that this is what he was like ?
Most women think that after they Marry ,they can change the way the man is .He is and will always be the way you found him .
You did him wrong accepting his proposal to marry ,all the while you had the intent to change him.
If he was a loser ,why did you accept ?I feel it is unfair that you have to save alone but you KNEW what you were getting into .
You actually deceived him by marring him .He was under the impression that you loved the him that he was .

Answer 10

There's nothing unethical about what your proposing. It's perfectly legal. You need to give him an ultimatum, also I would suggest if he listens, you and him BOTH need to go to marriage counceling, because I think your marriage can be saved, but a marriage will never work if only 1 person is working at it. He needs to realize that you need him to help make it work.

Go to marriage counceling. That's my suggestion.

Answer 11

Sounds like your hubby needs to grow up. Make your plans sweetie and by the time your ready to throw him out he'll have either changed for the better or not. If not I'm with you, you don't need to take care of him too, because he doesn't want to be a man. Good luck.