Social skills?

Question

I have no social life, some contacts at school and that's it. I have never had a conversation lasting longer than a few sentences, no deep or long meaningful conversations, no special band with anyone. I'm completely desperate. I lack the ability to maintain a conversation and make new friends. It seems so obvious, yet I keep failing at it and have for the past 6 years.

So here I ask how I can develop such skills. Are there books about it? Many will say experience is the best way but that's no option for me. I've been trying so damn hard for the past 6 years and even though there has been some improvement it's minimal.

Answer 1

"How to win friends and influence people" was a very famous book from the 80s or 90s. maybe search for it on Amazon .com and look at the "if you like this, you might also like" feature.

i'm pretty shy, but don't want to come off anti-social, so one thing that works for me is to compliment somebody, or ask them a little question, like "wow, that new haircut and color is cool." or "did you do anything fun this weekend?" keep the topic of conversation on them and just be really nice about it. they'll walk away thinking "wow, that guy was really nice." i don't really like being put on the spot or asked personal questions, but i try to be ready with funny little stories. anything that can make them laugh. hope these tips help.

Answer 2

Hi there,

Do you have any hobbies? If you do, find a local group w/ the same hobbies where you can go hang out and participate (say, a book club, cooking club, fishing club, or a random sports league). This will put you in contact w/ people who have a similar interest as you.

I'm obviously not saying that by merely sharing a single point of interest that you will have a group of instant friends - but at least you'll have something to discuss. After discussing your favorite fishing hooks/recipes/books or whatever you might find yourself able to relax and be more comfortable around those people.

Answer 3

You need to find a surrounding where people either are naturally interested in communicating with you, or have patience with trying to communicate with you.

Elder people may be a start, different country perhaps, church, club, language learning groups or something. You could find a language partner. Perhaps someone who wants to learn English, there you have a great advantage. Or kids.

You can't just jump into complicated conversations or high demanding young people conversations cause they won't have the patience. But you can build up your communication skills in many different ways.

Also you can combine communication skills with other skills, that's probably the best way. Learn something you like together with other people. Perhaps you won't talk there, or in the beginning, but you will get more social and more confidence.

Books won't get you far, but it's not bad as combination. But you can't rely on books to solve this problem for you. Got to get to it in reality.

Good luck

Answer 4

there are some books on social skills but the best thing to do is go up to someone and start a conversation about something you have in common..even if it doesn't last more thjan a few sentences, it can still be meaningful.

Answer 5

First key is figure out who you are. What are your values? What is important to you? People have a difficult time connecting to somebody who is constant flux.

Eyes open at all times. When you offend somebody there might be a reason for that. Crude attempts at humor are the most common way of doing that. Guys sometimes hang on to that 10 year old sense of humor. To most people this is offensive. Fart jokes for example were funny when you were 10. Look for how you are offending people if you are and stop doing it.

Sanitation and clothing. Bathe dailly. Do the toothbrush thing. Wear deoderent. Pick out a style of clothing that says something positive about you. If you look efeminient and your a dude it will push men and women away. If you look geeky again it will remove credence for you. Doesn't mean you have to win any fashion awards. Just wear clothing that isn't going to push people away. Most important is don't put on airs with your choice of clothing. If you wear a leather jacket and aint tough enough to back it up you get known as a fake. Actually somebody will probably take that jacket from you. Remember certain clothing styles are statements. You wear it you have to live up to it. If you don't people lose patience for you. People that would have potentially approached you are pushed away and those who you emulate are pushed away by the lack of commonality the clothing suggests.

Cut your hair. You obviously aint a wild man. Instead play up what you are. Find people for whom that is a good thing. The deeper you are the more your sense of aloneness. The greater the isolation. Still there are people out there who you can connect with no matter who and what you are. So the motto be true to yourself is one of the most important things you can do.

Be proud of who you are and confident. Nobody likes a tentitive dude. Find what you are good at and find people who also value those traits. Might be the occult, might be classic poetry, might be rock climbing. Whatever you like and that you are good at. Find it, do it and find others who like and are good at it.

The other really important thing is LISTEN. Close your mouth and listen, I mean really listen to people. Don't let the words roll over your ears. Apply them. If so and so says their ankle hurts what does that mean? If they are a dancer that's a big deal. That means dancing is out for a time or very painful. If they are a computer games player and do little in the way of physical activitiy it's not a big deal and safely dismissed for the most part. Do remember it and don't suggest a 5 mile trek ten minutes later. That's just rude. It tells that person you were not listening to them. When somebody realizes you really don't care what they say then they are generally offended. You have to really care about people. Faking it will show sooner or later. Take an interest in their lives and force yourself to do something unselfish. Sacrafice a valued item to somebody you know will appreciate it. Do them a favor even if it inconviences you.
Don't try to bribe people or placecate them. If you do all the favors your being used. Drop them like a rock. Friendship is an exchange. It is selfless. Don't keep count and do things tit for tat. Just be aware if your the one always giving or recieving periodically balence that.

Your welcome to IM me sometime. I can probably point out some places where you are sending the wrong signals. IM is much like personal convo.

Answer 6

One idea is to plan out things to say ahead of time. Consider who you might see that day and brainstorm at home for some different questions to ask and plan out what you might want to say in response to your own questions. You may even want to write or type these out. Go over them several times and then when the situation occurs, try to stay relaxed by breathing deeply, and then think back to the bits of conversation you have written at home. Eventually, it may come easier after practicing like this. Good luck!

Answer 7

Start to look out wards into the world around you. Volunteer at a local charity or some similar activity, and help other people in worse situations than yours. Pretty soon you will find your situation improve. It works. I did this myself. Now I have made some very good friends, and they are decent positive people I enjoy being around.

Answer 8

My solution should be inline with your abilties.

You can "talk", (rather just than think) to yourself about a particular topic for extended period of time. You should have 'holding capacity'. Similarly you can try to do the things with 'yourself', rather than just by yourself. These things will bring out your social skills. Once you develop that, I would be easy to talk to other people about commonly interested topics. It will just happen as a part of your extended practice.

Answer 9

Maybe you are trying too hard..... take it easy on yourself. Try to count to three when someone asks you something or says something before you respond to them. this will make you seem less desperate.

Answer 10

There are programs called social stories. They are typically used for people with autism and Asperger's Syndrome but they might help you as well.