I really need some advice.
My best friend met this guy 2 months ago. She was in another relationship before but they lost site of each other because of distance.
Now she is pregnant with the new guy's kid and is talking about marriage.(remember, they've been together for 2 months)
The huge problem is that he shows obvious signs of being an abusive type.
He verbally abuses some of her friends.
At Christmas while she stayed over at his house he refused her friends and I to talk to her on the phone.
He insisted on having sex with her without wearing condoms.
Her ex called her to wish her luck and he called him all sorts of names (the old boyfriend is great by the way).
When I do get to talk to her on the phone she will a different tone than if she is alone in the house.
What can I do? I told her that she should run but she says that she is happy that she loves him.
PLEASE HELP!!!
2007-01-12 23:59:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Oh My it does sound like your friend is in "big trouble" in this new relationship. I would first ask you to make sure you are portraying things fairly, is he that way because her friends don't give him an honest shake because of obvious approval for the "lost love", or is he truly an abuser? But if we go with the "abuser" theory...if you get a chance find a local woman's shelter make plans to take your friend there without her having prior knowledge.(if she knows ahead of time she will object) Try to allow her to talk some of the battered woman who flee abusive relationship and seek safety in these shelters, allow her to see and hear first hand from woman in the situation, the fear, misery, isloation, etc. they feel and experience daily. If that doesn't work please don't let this guy win and abandon your friendship with her, let her know you are always there...and do be there. Abusers count on others to leave, to fade off with the sunset, leaving the abused feeling abandoned and isolated, and enforcing the idea to the abused that there is know one else who cares, and no where else to go, that they (the abuser) are the only one who cares and wants them (the abused) around. Don't push too hard though you will drive a wedge between you and your friend, because they truly do believe they are happy and in love, thus they become defensive and closed. Try to be there help her see apples for apples, but respect her decision, even if it hurts and we do not like it.....REMEMBER THOUGH SHE WILL NEED YOU, RESPECT HER CHOICE, AND BE THERE WHEN SHE CALLS. Avoid harsh remarks about the abuser boyfriend, focus on her, if you make harsh remarks about him you will put her in defense, even when she is saying negatives, and there will be times she will need a sounding board undoubtedly, avoid joining in remember focus on her, I'm not saying approve of her relationship with this abusive guy, I'm saying support her, with out closing doors to her so that she never feels that she can only tell you the bad things and never the good, or vise versa. Our concern is her and her health physically and mentally. If you berate him it will only make her feel that much more like a failure when it becomes clear to her she has made a mistake, sometimes it is better to just be there than voice our dismay especially when they are mistreating....but we also know it is harder to call on someone for help who has constantly made clear their disagreements over decisions we have made for help.
I hope you get what I am saying, and I hope your friend does get out before it get out of control, abusive relationships are tough, especially when we care for those involved...most importantly don't ever stop letting her know you are there and you are her friend.
2007-01-13 00:35:36 · answer #1 · answered by fleaflopper 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your best friend has clearly made a very bad choice and sadly you have to watch the crazy cycle spin around and around. SHe can leave him whenever she chooses and if you do see her tell her to get away from him and even have a letter of constraint issued against him if necessary. I am afraid he might have come frome an abusive situation or a dominating mother and hence has a hate deep rooted for women, abusing them and getting them into trouble. Your friend is foolish if she marries him. He will destroy her and probably the child as well. She has to make the choice, sadly and nothing you do will change that at all! Just make sure you dont do the same foolish thing that she has done. Clearly theyy are in lust and not in love!
2007-01-13 09:09:19 · answer #2 · answered by uniquechild 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately when some people make thier minds up you can't change them. Sounds like she is making poor choices, but ultimately it is her life and some lessons have to be learned the hard way through experience. If she won't listen it is her lesson to learn, but if you keep harping at her you will lose her friendship as well. Be a good friend and keep your ear out, let her be for now if she gets hurt by him then step in and tell her its time to go. Remember it is her life and I know you want to protect her but these are the choices she made so she has to live with it. Eventually she will see what everyone else does and come around.
2007-01-13 08:13:27 · answer #3 · answered by dcforensics51 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
If your friend is being abused all you can do is talk to her and offer her your support.She has to be the one to make the decision to change her life.You need to explain to her that it is not acceptable to put up with any kind of abuse and you are having a hard time sitting back and watching the way she is being treated.If you are able offer for her to come stay with you until she can get on her feet.For the baby's sake alone she need's to leave this guy.
2007-01-13 08:55:08 · answer #4 · answered by Maureen B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Sounds like he is abusive, not physically,but verbally which can be and indication. It seems your friend is somewhat trapped by the situation by being pregnant to the guy.If he verbally abuses her friends(which she should recognize is wrong) i think he can be charged for verbal harrasment.
He really sounds like theabsuive type and all these little things in my opinion add to show alot about his chracter. He abuses her friends, controls who she talks to, get angry/jealous at any appearance of the ex, seems controlling sexuallly. These seem to be little now but may as often do lead to bigger problems later on in the relationship/marriage I think your friend recognises this as well by the change in the way she talks to you when he's not around. Your gonna have to get it through HER head quick about his character.
2007-01-13 08:16:37 · answer #5 · answered by queenmab666 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Your friend is in a hell-of-a-mess! She's got to admit before she can go any further. If he's abusive to her, more than likely he will abusive to the baby, too. Does she have any family or friends that will take her in? She definitely needs to get away from this guy before its too late. Try talking to her and don't hold back! Good luck!!!!
2007-01-13 08:07:56 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Boy oh boy, it sounds more like she is becoming depressed. Something tells me, he is abusing her. I don't know what you can do except when you talk to her, ask her is she notices how much she has changed and it has you worried. I think it will take awhile for her to wake up, to leave. I have a niece in the same dang deal. And she had the baby and is still there. It's not good (in my book), but we just hope and pray that he either wakes up and flies right or she leaves him. We've tried to get her to leave him but no go. I hope the best for your friend.
2007-01-13 08:09:07 · answer #7 · answered by btyboo 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Unfortunately there is little you can do for your friend. She says she is happy in this relationship so you will have to accept that otherwise you take the chance of being called a busy body also you take the chance of repercussions from the boyfriend not only on yourself but on your friend. Best to leave things as they are until your friend realises what sort of a relationship she is in and decides to remove herself from it.
2007-01-13 08:11:37 · answer #8 · answered by AussiePete 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
be there for her girlfriend, she will come to you when she has had enough, sometimes it takes a while, but if she is the type of person who usually doesn't take abuse she will come to her senses. you just have to be there, it took my best friend 13 years , yes i know can you believe it, but i loved her and never let the guy push me too far away. and i was there for her when no one else was. was it worth it HELL YEAH! she has a wonderful husband now who would give her the world and sometimes tries.
2007-01-13 08:09:59 · answer #9 · answered by panda bear 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
If she is happy wid dat guy, then let her be. Who cares? U also live ur life and not think of her.
2007-01-13 08:08:05 · answer #10 · answered by || SMI || 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋