i have been married for nearly 10 years an my husband while not physically abusive is just plain mean. he likes to play mind games to make me feel bad about myself or get me to do what he wants me to do
2007-01-12 23:32:48 · 32 answers · asked by dreamer 4 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
i think we need some more info fm u to be able to give u a just answer.10 yrs is a long time in marriage. have u bn unhappy for all this while?
males have this big bloated ego...everyone of them. bt some tend to overcome that in tru love.did u analyse urself too... i mean... did u d some gud thinkin on whether evn u might be creatin problems here? i dont mean 2 be mean... but r u doin anything that bugs him too? ego clashes r the worst in marriages. sumtimes th wife gets soooo bugged surrendering her ego all the time n compromising that after a while she becomes like a DORMANT VOLCANOE.. HOLDIN UP A LOT INSIDE HER. have u bn doing the same? if yes... then just try n talk it out with ur hubby. I m not saying you HAVE to make this work. all i m saying is that u shud try to... just for ur kids.
and if it really is becoming a pain. if ur husband is that mean a person then u shud make the move....break up. I m sure wen ur kids are old enugh they will understand what their mom was going through. u can take care of ur kids alone too...isn't it?
hope u ll do what is best for u n ur kids. god bless!
2007-01-12 23:50:58 · answer #1 · answered by sonz 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
Ok, First off abuse doesn't have to be physical, there are several types of abuse including emotional, mental, psychological, etc. while many may be similar they are also distinct differences.The none physical aspect being the more intrusive and severe..as physical pain goes away, it's what left behind in the mind that is so damaging. With that being said I will go on to say if your husband is abusive to you and you have exhausted all efforts to save the marital problems....the children are a horrible excuse to stay in the relationship as they will think such relationship is normal, and acceptable. Leaving now will hurt them, but children are fairly residual creatures, staying will hurt them even more. By divorcing their father you don't have to say he was a bad man, only that the relationship was not healthy. Just do not take this decision lightly, we do not want to send the message to our children that if you don't like the way something is going it is fine to just quit or divorce either. But if you do decide to leave prepare the children explain in understandable age appropriate terms why, and make sure they know they can talk to you about their feelings. They may be angery with you let them express that in appropriate ways, talk things out, because one relationship in the family ends doesn't mean all should as often happens...children's feelings get left behind with the marriage and they are left to sort out the confusion and anger however they can find to vent it. When you can walk away without anger and with confidence that you did all you could to make it work, it's time. Whether you stay in a marriage is a big basket to put on a child's shoulders, whether you stay in this marriage is better weighed in by what is healthy for you and your children long term. Don't use the children here for a reason to say or go, ask is this relationship salvagable, marriage is work my friend, there can be rough droughts, 10 years and 4 children is proof that times weren't always that bad, if you stay do it for the health of you and your kids. You would be doing them a big injustice to stay in a bad relationship "just for them". Ask do I want my children to believe this is acceptable, if you can't fix it after exhausting all efforts including councelling ...you know what you should do.
2007-01-13 01:14:43 · answer #2 · answered by fleaflopper 2 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Depends on the age of the kids, the state of the finances, the degree of abuse that's going on and whether the situation is retrievable. Sometimes it is worth putting up with things for the sake of the children, but if the children are older and savvy, it may be right to start to think about your own happiness. It may even be damaging to them to have such a flawed relationship going on around them.
However if the possibility of salvaging the relationship remains, you should pursue this. Is he a bad person or merely childish, selfish and insensitive? Does he know just how he's making you feel? Does he still love you (not the romantic kind but the kind that gradually takes form with time spent together), or at least will he act reasonably and fairly, or change for the sake of the children?
This is possibly the most important decision you have yet had to make. Don't make a hasty one. Think about the issues, the angles, the options and their consequences to all parties. Ultimately though, life isn't a dress rehearsal - you have to decide what'll be best for you and for yours. The best of luck to you.
2007-01-13 03:27:26 · answer #3 · answered by servir tres frais 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Get counseling if you haven't already. He may be mean but at least try to do all that you can to save the marriage and the family before giving up. I know that you love him and your kids so if you stay make some changes. Tell him how you feel and tell him that you're going to find a counselor for the two of you and for the family. Tell him that you're not going to let him treat you that way anymore and if he wants you and the kids he's going to have to make some changes. If he refuses and continues to mistreat you then unfortunately the best thing would be separation. Take care of you because the kids will need you and once they are gone you can still enjoy life after wards.
2007-01-13 04:48:01 · answer #4 · answered by VWoman 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leave, although if married for only ten yrs one assumes the kids are still quite young. Yes it will be hard out there alone as a single mum but think of the better environment your kids will be in. The kids can still see Dad and in fact it might even be better for them as he wont be grumpy around you so perhaps the quality of time will improve. You dont deserve to be treated as you are, this affects your self esteem, your health and well being. Yes you have an obligation to your kids but you are not leaving them you are leaving their father. There are services out there for abused women it need not be physical abuse perpetrated. Access these services for the help you need. We only have one chance at life, make it a happier one as one day those kids will be grown up and gone and you will have missed the chance. Also the behaviors witnessed by the kids under the current living situation is not one that is positive, watch out for learned behaviors and do not tolerate any copying of Dad's behavior towards yourself from your kids
2007-01-13 00:28:36 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
You're not happy in your marriage. Do you think this makes you all around happy? Don't you think your kids will suffer as well, knowing that you're unhappy? The whole situation becomes negative if you're not in it for the right reasons. That is the only reason to stay in a relationship. Because you love them. Even then you have to leave sometimes.
No, leave the bad relationship before it does emotional harm to your kids, yourself and the husband. At least everyone has the CHANCE to be happy then. If you stay, even that chance is gone and worse can occur in a loveless envirionment.
Best Wishes-
-G
2007-01-12 23:44:43 · answer #6 · answered by thatappraiser_guy 1 · 0⤊ 1⤋
I sympathize with you.It is hard to have to walk away,but you need to do what is best for you and your kid's.You should never stay in a relationship if you are not happy.Many people think that when they have kid's they have to just stay in the situation they are in for the sake of the kid's,but that hurt's the kid's in the long-run.Are your kid's going to be angry,upset,confused(YES)but in-time they will realize that you had to take them and leave for their own good.You need to file for divorce and get the custody and child support all taken care of.Just because you & your husband can't be together anymore does not mean that either one of you loves the kid's any less,you need to make sure that they are still available to see and visit with their dad.I hope this helps and good luck to you.e-mail me if I can help any further.I have been in your shoes before.
2007-01-13 00:39:14 · answer #7 · answered by Maureen B 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You should never stay in a marriage for the children, because if not now, eventually that abuse (which by the way it is abuse both mental and emotional if he is "mean") will flow over to the children and they don't deserve that any more than you do. You need to offer him a choice, either he gets counseling to deal with his meanness or BYE--get a divorce. You better than that, you are a gift that should be treasured everyday. Give him the heav ho ! if he doesn't agree, and you find the strength to give your kids what they deserve.
2007-01-12 23:46:46 · answer #8 · answered by Austins Mom 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋
Staying just for the kids is NEVER the right answer. Your kids see everything that goes on no matter how young they are and what they are seeing is making impressions in their minds. Would you want the boys to grow up thinking its okay to talk to women the way your husband talks to you. Would you want the girls to grow up thinking its okay to be treated the way your being treated. I'll assume the answer to both of those questions is "NO!" Its best to be happy raising children alone then living with someone who makes you feel like total crap just so you can raise kids together.
2007-01-13 00:32:27 · answer #9 · answered by **Damn its cold up here** 3 · 0⤊ 1⤋
never stay in an unhappy marriage just for the kids it affects them too. they would much prefer to have 2 parents that love them and are happy apart than a house full of arguements. Talk to him and try to come to some kind of arrangement for sharing the kids and move out/or ask him to. Good luck
2007-01-12 23:39:23 · answer #10 · answered by Giggle Angel 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋