My friend is suicidal, and I love her like a sister, but I can't handle being friends with her anymore?

Question

This girl and I have been friends for nearly five years now, and have so much in common it's scary. We met via internet, and started up a roleplay game, and gradually as she began to trust me more, she opened up about her history of being emotionally abused by her mother (I've been to her home, and I know she's telling the truth about it). I've always done my best to be there for her, and have often sat for twelve hours, exhausted from lack of sleep doing my best to be comforting and cheer her up. She's a legal adult, and has a well-paying job, and I've begged her to get out of that house; at first she refused because she doesn't think she can function on her own, and so I offered to let her live with me, but now she's taking a college course and can't leave the state, so she's stuck there with that evil woman eating away at her self-worth. As far as I know, her future plans are to save up enough to leave the country and kill herself. Is it wrong that I can't handle being her friend?

We're both pretty insecure, having been dumped by many fair-weather friends before, and we once promised each other that we wouldn't just drift away and stop talking, but that's what I find myself doing more and more often; sometimes for weeks at a time, until she sends a sad and accusatory message pointing out how long I've been gone. Talking to her used to be fun, but lately it feels more like a chore that I'm being forced to do.

Asking her to see a therapist is kind of a touchy subject, since her mother once forced her into it for "not being like the other kids"

There IS a story behind her wanting to leave the country to kill herself. One of those things where there's a place someone's always wanted to see before they die.

Answer 1

coax her into seeing a therapist and if she refuses
call the police, maybe you could keep it anonymous.

sounds harsh but she needs intervention. any suicide threat should be reported so that that person has appropriate help.

if she was really serious about killing herself she would just do it, it makes no sense to save up, leave the country and then commit suicide. She'd just do it now.

It's not wrong that you can't handle being her friend, I think instead of being so supportive and a good listener you need to become her reality check. She doesn't have to stay there and it's her own problem if she's refusing to leave. She has choices and is not a constant victim.

Answer 2

Getting therapy is not "being like everyone else", it is actually not being like "other people". Most people do not seek counseling. If your friend doesn't feel that she can function on her own, perhaps she should check into getting an apartment with a friend or take interviews on room-mates. The fact that she has been emotionally and also mentally abused has her thinking that she can not survive without her mother. It's great that you have been there for her, be honest with her though. It is quite possible that she is starved for attention and gets the attention from you. Be honest with her, that you want to be there to help her but she has got to at least try and help herself. Also inform her, that suicide is not the way to go. Oops I made a mistake will not bring you back once you are dead. You get no second chances and she will find that once she gets out of a negative situation her feelings and emotions will become her own. People that talk about suicide are asking for help the only way they know how. A person talking about suicide is looking for someone to show they care by trying to talk them out of it. You don't need money, you don't need to leave the country. A serious person, does it and doesn't talk about it leaving the family and friends with the question of "why". Also be aware that "role play" is still lying. It's not who you are or what "you" would do, but what you think someone else would do. This friend really needs some guidence. You should not feed her delusions. I was miserable at home and I left at 17. Killing yourself (and I tried) deprives you of meeting the person that will complete you. Dying does not allow you to have children or find any pleasures in life. I can not reiterate enough, I made a mistake does not bring you back. Once you are dead, you are dead and there are No Second Chances! Whatever is eating at your friend, and it could be her mother won't ever go away until she gets out and moves on with her life. She can't live her life for her mother. She is an adult and needs to embrace that and do what she feels is right, regardless of what someone else thinks. She will find herself alot happier and not wanting to kill herself if she will find additional positive influences. Suggest getting involved with volunteer organizations that help abused children, or with a church. She could also get involved in programs such as Al-Anon, even if her mother isn't an alcoholic or addict. Co-dependency comes in many forms.

Answer 3

There's no right or wrong here. You cannot hold yourself responsible for someone else's state of mind. All that will do honey, is drag you along for the ride and get in the way of your friend getting professional help for her situation. She has had the opportunity to get out, yet actually made a choice that would keep her where she is. That alone should tell you that she needs much more than a friend.

You have done all you can, and then some. Friendship has two sides, and she has to be the friend you need right now too, and allow you some breathing space.

Just let her know you're still there for her, but you have some issues of your own right now and you need to take some time out for YOU. Encourage her to see a counsellor at college, or a psychologist.

Good luck honey - you're not being a bad friend, just struggling to stay afloat with someone else's problems weighing you down.

Answer 4

If you care that much, go to her house, and bring her to yours. Tell her it's just for a visit, but make plans to have her stay(yes, kidnap her!). Help her get a job by you and college, too.

She will want to go home. After the visits up, let her know she can't. She should have no problem leaving her current situation if it's so bad for her. It's much better to be there for her in person. If she won't appreciate that, and still wants to go home to her evil mother, she'll start accusing you of stifling her, and will make you send her home. If that happens, you'll know for a fact that you've done all you could.

If you won't do any of this because you think she might commit suicide in your home, she needs much more help than you will ever be able to provide. The only other thing you can do right now is keep taking her seriously, and let her know that you would be very dissappointed in her if she left you alone in this world after sharing everything with you.

Limit the time you spend talking with her, because it seems to me you are neglecting yourself in the process. You are of no use to her if you feel down. Let her know that you really need to do things in your life, and you will have to limit conversations to an hour or less because of job/school/etc., not because you don't want to talk to her, but because it's necessary.

She has a good job and is going to school, these are good signs that she is not as depressed as she may seem or feel. Ask her about her friends at school and job. If she doesn't have any, tell her that you want to know more about the people she's around, so she can start making some friends. Get off the subject of her mother, that way she can learn to focus on something else. She is focusing too much on what her mother thinks of her, what her mother says of her. She loves her mother, but hates her. This is a common occurrence, especially with one who is still dependent on living with her parents. Her mother is keeping her home by making her feel co-dependent. How did her mother ever make it on her own?

Answer 5

As many people stated before me, saving money to leave the country and killing herself doesn't make any sense to me. I don't know the hole story but sounds to me that she don't really want to commit suicide but just have your attention. She's screaming for help in other words. I use to have a friend like that. Though, I'm not saying that you shouldn't take her seriously because definitely she needs a psychiatrist. You can morally support her yes, but when it comes to a point that you're sitting for 12 hours straight listening to her problems, that's abuse right there buddy. I went down the same road as u are and believe me it could easily become overwhelming. Now you have to stand up for yourself because she's dragging you emotionally with her and that's not right of her. If she really wanted to get out of that situation, she would found a way to move out as soon as possible. We're all responsible for our happiness.

Answer 6

BE GENTLE!!
A person in the mind frame of being suicidal doesnt want to hear other peoples problems, just as you are begining to be over hearing hers.

If it was me i would tell her about a "problem" you have and ask her to accompany you to a phyciatrist for moral support, and give her an insight as to "how bad it really is".

If this doesnt work try to sit her down ( or in oneof your 12 hour sessions) and suggestmoving to an aunty or uncle

Just make sure you keep telling her how much she means to you and how much of a strong woman she is, it boosts a depressed persons confidence.

And while your doing all this remember you have a life and a state of mind of your own, make sure you dont get into that downward spiral

THINK POSITIVE AND STAY STRONG!!! You are brave to have this problem on board and i think everything will work oiut for the best. Keep Safe and love life xoxoxo

Answer 7

The best thing you can do for her is pray. And pray for yourself to have the strength to hold her up and for the right words to say to her. And if she is only taking one class where she lives she can take that same class in another state; or she can take the same class living in another town in her own apartment. She's paralyzed by years of oppression and it will take much more than one friend to bring her out of the situation that she is in. She needs serious professional help, a good friend (which she obviously has) and much prayer. And you don't have to leave her but you do need to take care of your own emotional needs and if that means taking a break from her occasionally then you have to do it. But don't leave her hanging for weeks. Send her cards and little messages to let her know you're still there; always be encouraging and try to suggest that she seek professional help. A therapist will help her find the courage to get out of her abusive situation.
Hang in there sweetie. Pray. And I will pray for you too.

Answer 8

You must encourage her to go for professional counseling,her mother is obviously in trouble.Your friend is insecure about her own abilities and she has very deep emotional scars .Her mother may have had a bad childhood she has passed this on to her Daughter,you are a very patient and kind person and have put a lot into her situation and that is your friends compensation in life ,now is the time to encourage her to take that extra step to ease her pain,she still loves her mum and is trying to find the answers ,I feel she will not abandon her mum ,if she does this she will always blame herself.Her mum must answer to the pain she has subjected her daughter to before its to late.They both need professional help .In professional circles people are referred to different counselors that deal with that problem area and with your understanding of the situation this can be sorted out.Lindsay.You must also help yourself more.

Answer 9

She needs to get help for her depression. What's the point in taking a college course and being committed to attending it if her future plan is to leave the country only to eventually commit suicide? It doesn't make any sense at all. As a friend I would urge her to seek psychiatric help. You have the right to tell her if she won't that you can no longer be her friend because she's making you feel suicidal or whatever as well.

Answer 10

For one thing it don't make no sense why would she leave the country to kill herself when she could do it here? You should just tell her that if she refuses to leave her moms house and stays with her abusive mom that you no longer can be her friend because you cannot stand what her mom is doing to her, because you can't stand to see her hurt from her mom. She can find an apt and advertise for roommates if she can't afford to pay alot of money.College students do it all the time.