My relationship with my mother sucks... Advice?

Question

Here's the deal. I'm thirty, and my mother and I have never gotten along, PARTICULARLY since she went through menopause when I was twelve. Since then, she's turned into a raving *****.

Now, seriously, I try to control my temper when she loses her sanity for a day, but it's getting really hard.

I'll give you an example (this just happened tonight) of something that happens pretty frequently so that you get a general idea of what's going on.

My parents agreed to watch my son this evening, so we all agreed that we would be there at eight. I am very punctual, and was there at EXACTLY eight. I told my son to tell my mother we were there, and that we were about to leave (she was upstairs).

She came downstairs, yelling, and asked, "What the hell do you want?" Okay. Whoa.

I replied, "I told him to tell you we were leaving."

"I've had a f*cking horrible day, and I don't need this sh!t..."

"What are you talking about?"

"YOU."

... And she slammed the door. WTF?

By the way, she takes Zoloft, for whatever good that really does her (she's STILL a raving lunatic).

I've tried to talk to my father about this, but tonight, when he walked in the door (right after this happened), he tried to blame my son for going up there, and then tried to blame me for sending him up there in the first place! Why not blame HER for being freakin' insane? He doesn't want to face up to the fact that she could be wrong...?

If my father wasn't there (he's sane, although I don't see him as being very spine-oriented), I wouldn't have left him there.

I'm out of options. I've tried to talk to her, but instead, she tells me that everything about me younger brother (who still lives at home at 27) is better than me, and still holds stuff against me that I did in HIGH SCHOOL.

Answer 1

Where was your father, and what did he have to say about this whole scenario? Either way, I'm sorry things are so bad between the two of you but they really aren't, things are bad WITH YOUR MOTHER! She obviously is having a lot more problems than just menopause-- I've gone through it at an early age and I have 2 daughters and believe me, I would bite my tongue off before doing what your mom did to you. Back off .....don't call her... don't go over her house.. keep in contact with your father. DO NOT let her watch your song-- horrible role model and I don't know how old he is but he should not be exposed to her tantrums, he'll need therapy in future years if you leave him with her... did you ever wonder what she may be saying about YOU after you LEAVE HIM? She is unstable and should not be trusted with a child of any age. If your dad volunteers to babysit- have him do so at YOUR place otherwise, find another babysitter. If your mom asks why you're not calling, or coming over, etc, just tell her you have been really busy and you don't want to be a burden to her... contact your dad to get an update on your mom's condition- he really should consider taking her to a psychiatrist/psychologist so they can get to the bottom of her issues. And finally, IT IS NOT YOU!!! My mom had a stroke when I was 9 and 3 after that, growing up was tough and a lot of things were said to me that I know she didn't mean..... I believe the same is true with your mom.... give her space... and let her come to you......good luck.....

OK, I just read your addendum-- I know this is going to be very hard for you but in the long run you will see the sanity in it all but you absolutely have to break away from you mom and dad, cold turkey. Your father will not intervene because let's face it, he has to LIVE every day with her and he probably is on his last nerve with her as it is, and oh yes, the wonderful, loving son routine-- I had the same situation-- brother could do no wrong-- I could do no right. Seriously, Zoloft is an antidepressant but obviously she needs a triple cocktail and by that I mean an antidepressant, an antipsychotic and an antianxiety medication.

Break away from them both- for your son's sake and for your sanity's sake-- they are doing you more harm than good and you seriously cannot allow that type of behavior around your impressionable son--- you know what she has done to you, do not let her mind games plague your son's life also..... don't call, don't go over and maybe, just maybe, there'll be a day she will return to the sane world and you may have a relationship at that time-- but honestly, I wouldn't count on it and it's best that you move on with your own life as if they didn't exist. If in the future your dad wants to make amends with you and your son, let it be on your terms- your place and no where near your mom. God bless you....I hope you can handle this emotionally and my thoughts are with you and your son, I know how tough this is... it's like burying a living person because you have to say good-bye while they are still alive..........

Answer 2

I'm thinking you may just have to get another babysitter...can you imagine what she says behind you back that your son hears. Not healthy at all...then make sure she knows what you think about her and how she makes you feel..don't be nice about it at all. Stop calling her and visiting her after your talk and she'll soon realize that yes there's a problem between you and her that has to be fixed. If it takes a day, week or months for her to face this problem...its worth it in the long run...No use living an unhappy relationship...you gotta try something...Why feel bad and do nothing when you can feel better by trying to fix it...At least you can say you tried right!

Answer 3

1. She should not be speaking that way and using that language in front of your son. Period. That needs to be addressed and stopped immediately.
2. Her actions may be a sign of depression...common in ladies of this age and stage of life. This also needs to be addressed and the best possible person, other than her, to address it to is your father.
3. It may be that you need to take a time-out from your parents for a bit. This will be hard, but there are some ground rules that need to be set, and just as with a child, you must be consistent to be successful.
4. It's not your fault...don't ever think it is. You did nothing to bring this on, and it's better that you control the situation by nipping it in the bud before it gets worse.
5. Yes. I'm also 30, and I've been in a very similar situation with my parents. After a time-out of about a month, as well as many heart-to-hearts, my mother began to see that she could not act the way she did, especially in the presence of my daughter. Gentle reminders were key, as well as having a listening ear but firm stand.

Good Luck!
LilD

Answer 4

I have the same issue with another family member, and I'd suggest not going near them, if this is possible. If this is what she is like frequently (daily, weekly) she isn't a good role model for your son. try to get a neighborhood kid to sit him, or a friend of yours.
You don't want to make her feel victimized in this all, because although she won't be, she might try to seem as though she is, and take it out on your son, who is easier to frighten/have power over. You shouldn't go to her for things if this is how she's acting. I'm sure that life would be fine or better without her.

Answer 5

Just because she gave birth to you doesn't make her a mother. And I agree that you shouldn't let her babysit your son. There is only one thing worse than an evil mom, and thats an evil grandmother.
Life goes much smoother when you rid yourself of the unhealthier parts. Blood or no Blood, distance yourself.

Answer 6

Whoa!! That So Serious!! I think You Should Tell her to Apologize To You And You Too. If You Toooo Afaid to Tell Her, Just Call A Family Counceler! EASY.

Answer 7

I'm sorry but I wouldn't leave him with her. Who knows what kind of yelling or craziness goes on when your not there. He doesn't need to be around that. She seems unstable. All you can do as a daughter is to try to be patient with her.

Your father might have just been covering his own butt by siding with your mother because he knows what he has to deal with.

Answer 8

Don't expose you son to that madness without your constant supervision. Don't let her babysit----ever.

She may be bipolar, manic depressive....
or just mean. But why let your child be abused like you were?

Move on. Tell you mom her behavior is unacceptable and you will no longer tolerate it. Suggest she talk to her doctor about it. A little Prozac may be all she needs...

Answer 9

geez that's horrible. do you know if she has any disorders (bipolar, depression, etc). I know a few people with these or even some people just hate their lives so they lash out at others for no reason. I know it may be hard if you guys don't get along, but the only thing I can think of is to sit down and talk to her and ask her the reason for her bad moods and lashing out at you over nothing (and especially cussing in front of your son). Good luck

Answer 10

boy that sounded like my mom,, she would dial 911 every day,, i lived in the same town but never gave her my phone number or address,, she died alone with no funeral, and she had 6 kids,, sad really,,she was a miserable bitter person but she made her life that way, thats why my dad left ,, he couldnt take it,,PLEASE DO NOT LEAVE YOUR KIDS WITH HER my mom did babysitting for extra cash and she had the kids cleaning her house,, were talking 5 year olds