Ive recently came to my conclusion Im an Atheisic leaning Agnostic. My wife is Born again should I tell her?

Question

Weve been married 4 years and at the time I considered my self A Christian. I felt I needed to hurry and affix myself that label and the church has its ways to really make you think you beleive. Now I feel Ive changed, Ive grown but my wife has no idea, and I just hide it and go along with it even though it now seems like witchcraft to me. I cant even have a conversation without God being mentioned every 5 minutes. Should I tell her at the risk of her divorcing me because were no longer equaly yoked?
Or should I keep it inside and go with the flow so I dont ruin my marriage which is what I fear will happen. I would like her to see why Ive changed my views but I never think it would be possible for her to honestly see how and why I think this way or change her views. Its like when I hit 30 my mind really wanted to explore the world and religions and I was able to come to my own personal conclusion based on fact finding and research, she is 40 and Im afraid set in her ways plz help

My wife is HEAVILY steeped in her faith, she clung to it after a bad breakup 10 years ago. I can commuicate with her on almost anything she is like my best friend but unfortunately I am afrain to touch this topic with her, you must try to understand how a very religious Christian thinks, She may think less of me or that Im a lost soul or something, in her eyes it could unravel everything, altough in mine I can deal with it because I love her.

Answer 1

I was in a similar situation, but the roles were reversed. I was the christian husband and my wife the atheist. She respected my beliefs and i hers. I eventually became an atheist, at least for the last year or so, after taking the 'blinders' off so to speak. The fairy tales of the bible, the contradictions, the lack of proof, that certain area in the primitive limbic system of our brains that cause us to have religious beliefs, etc., etc..

I guess it boils down to whether or not you think the bond between you and her is strong enough to withstand a major change in the outlook to life. Tell her you respect her beliefs but that you've changed, you don't need to try and persuade her to change, but at least you'll understand why she believes the way she does.

There's a scientific reason for people to believe in god, angels, religions, invisible spirits and things that go bump in the night, we can thank our primitive barbarian ancestors. Obsolete genes do not die overnight and our logical-rational cerebral cortex is only a recent development, so we'll be seeing alot of born-again Christians and believers for some time to come. I don't know your wife's personality, but hopefull the bond is stronger than her possible negative views of your new outlook...anyway, good luck.

Answer 2

No one in the universe lives without secrets. If this one is too great for you to bear in silence, seek expert advice (not on religion, but on the relationship you hold so dear) and be clear about your options. My personal choice for me would be total honesty, a choice for which I have paid dearly in the past. I don't think you should burst forth with the truth until you are sure how you want to express it and you are ready for all possible outcomes. If you'd like to get some spiritual advice without fear of being judged, you might try a Unitarian minister or a Quaker elder (of the silent tradition). Unitarians are sometimes Christians and Quakers usually are. Both these faiths find truth seeking more important than a set of defined beliefs. (Quakers and Unitarians feel free to chime in and correct me.) Or a good psychologist may be a better choice for you. If you are ready to move forward without further input, perhaps you could begin a dialog by asking a simple question. "How can we ever know that God really exists?" In this way, you can at least start talking about your doubts. I recently heard a word that is not as loaded as atheist or agnostic. It is "nontheist." Look it up. Study it. Maybe it will be as easy as saying, "I'm beginning to wonder if I'm a nontheist."

Answer 3

From what I can see, you have three options:

1. Just keep faking it: This option might work if she weren't someone who brought God into every conversation. But since she is, you would feel like you were betraying your own beliefs and lying about your very nature if you continued to go along with every prayer, every trip to church, and pretty much every thing she says in the future. If this doesn't slowly drive a wedge between the two of you, it will at the least drive you crazy knowing that your wife has no idea who you are and would probably be diametrically opposed to everything you stand for were you to tell her.

2. Sit her down and tell her the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth: There's no doubt that this option will result in confusion, depression, and a general breakdown of trust and communication for both of you. She will beg, plead, scream, and accuse you of being a traitor, then she will try to drag you to every prayer group and therapy session she can think of for the rest of eternity.

3. Tell her that you have your own understanding of god and leave it at that: Any time she drops God's name, try to gently ease her away from a discussion of dogma and scripture and towards a discussion of how she thinks Jesus' words and the spirit of his teachings should guide you. Tell her that you prefer to take the Bible less literally and rely more on your own judgment, guided by the goodness you see in the teachings of Jesus and in the spirit of Christian charity. Slowly but surely, you may be able to "train" her to discuss the applications of her religious beliefs in a more rational, less dogmatic manner rather than just citing scripture in a knee-jerk reaction any time some subject is brought up. Don't tell her you're an agnostic per se, just emphasize the things that you admire about Christianity and explain that you have your own way of working through things that is less overtly "religious." If she really wants to know what's going on and suspects you are no longer a believer, tell her you have your moments of doubt, but that you have faith in the potential that lies within every human being, and that you look to her as an example of grace and forgiveness.

Obviously, option #3 is the best choice, at least for now.

Good luck.

Answer 4

If you do not have faith in Jesus Christ to be your Savior and you do not feel you are a Christian, then you never were, even though you considered yourself one. Your wife has a right to know how you feel. She won't be happy. It will make her very sad and distressed. Will she divorce you? Probably not, if she really loves you. But she may ask you to speak to a minister or go to Christian counseling with her. I suggest you do make the effort because it could save your marriage. Through counseling she might come to realize that this is one part of your marriage where you will have differences.

Just remember, Satan is the father of all lies. He knew you weren't rooted to the Christian faith . . . . . so he tempted you with the desire to explore and made available all kinds of "facts". Hebrews 11:1 states, "Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see."

Answer 5

I think you need to tell your wife the truth. I think the longer you keep a secret in the relationship, the worse the problem can become. If you keep this to yourself for some time, and she finds out you've been hiding it from her, I think she'll be more upset/angry than she would be if you told her in the first place. I think you and your wife should talk. Christians are taught to be forgiving, so hopefully your wife will be. If you can give her good reasons as to why your faith has changed, maybe you and her can talk it over, perhaps you might even be able to find your faith again, with a little help from a loved one. I hope this is of some help to you and I wish you the best of luck with whatever your final decision is.

Answer 6

I felt the same way when I had to tell my parents I was atheist, I think it would be better to tell her how you feel, tell her you r thoughts your reasons your ogic. If she can't see that you are still the man she married you just don't beieve in the God that she does then she isn't worth it. you should be able to talk to her openly and wthout lying... she's your wife. She should be able to understand because I know she didn't marry you because you were christian, there had to be some other reasons. But like Isaid if she can't accept your opinions and still love you for who you are she's not worth it. OH and don't try and change her either because if she is as deeply religious as I think from your descriptin that will only make her angry and more likely to leave.

Answer 7

Well to be an atheist doesn't really make sense, you affirm no belief but only dis-affirm your wife's belief. What point is there in that? At most if you see fault in the belief in god then you must also admit to the fault of absolutely not believing in god. Don't try to decide what exists, if you never encounter god how can you say he exists or not exists? I know this probably isn't very helpful because I don't really know how to deal with people who fix themselves to beliefs which no earthly word can ever change. Ask yourself how long you could really bare keeping it all in knowing what she would think? But obviously you love her and want it to work, there should be someway for her to come to terms with it. I wish you good luck.

Answer 8

You don't have to blurt out everything you believe is true. If some hot babe flashed you, would you tell your wife? Or would you point out to your wife every woman in the world that is prettier/smarter/cooler than your wife? So why do you have to tell her that your concept of god is different from hers. If you look at the word, atheism, it is simply a-theism, meaning without god. So, basically, you want a life without god and she wants one with god. Since neither of you knows god's address and phone number, what real difference does it make -- to your relationship if you want to hang out with a babe (your wife) and she wants to hang out with god? You say the subject of god comes up in every conversation. Well, that is not so bad. There are worse things she could talk about, that you would not like. So long as your relationship is good, and you want to keep it that way, don't create problems for no reason.

Answer 9

You have to be honest with her. Otherwise, it will just eat away at you until you snap and do or say something you regret. Plus, its not fair to her to not know something so important about her husband. Hopefully, you guys can talk about it like adults and be able to come to an agreement about the role religion will play in your lives. It might not work that easily, though, religious views are something most people are not willing to compromise on. So you need to ask yourself if you can stay in a relationship if the other person is not accepting of your beliefs.

Answer 10

Best to show her what her own scriptures say about this. Show her 1Corinthians 7:14 where it says that "...the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife".
Also, in Mark, Jesus doesn't think much of divorce. He said if a man divorced his wife, (except for fornication), and took another relationship, he was commiting adultery! (Don't hear this mentioned in church much, do you?!)
He felt Moses allowed it because of the "hardness" of our hearts.