How Do I Pull Out Of This?

Question

This is a very sensitive topic. I'm not very popular in junior high, I only have one good friend, none of the girls like me, they never have, they think I'm weird. I've been looking at porn for a while, but recently, none of the girls like me, so I actually viewed underage girls on a file sharing program (Not on the internet) because I was curious. I finally snapped into it and realized how dirty, discusting, and wrong it was. I guess it's like smoking (not that I do) you know it's wrong but you don't realize how wrong it is. I have a guilty conscience, and I feel terrible about it. I feel like I don't deserve to live because of what i've done. I'm now really depressed but I can't tell ANYONE. Suffering from guilt is a terrible punishment. I don't know what to do. I've removed everything I could possibly get porn on my computer and stopped. I know some of you have daughters out there and would like to shoot me right now. I guess I just got curious and tempted and did the wrong thing.

You're right- this isn't the place for help, but I can't tell anyone. This guilt is eating me up. The only time I really don't feel it is when I sleep.

I'm against porn completely. Thats not whats making me feel guilty- it was the underage porn or whatever.

If I didn't give you enough info, well I can say a bit more. When every boy in the class has had at least one girlfriend, and I haven't, that makes me feel not normal. Being not normal feels very, very awful. And what probably caused me to do this was giving into temptation, and when i was younger, not seeing the harm in it. Now I see what I've done, and I realize how big of mistake this is. if I smoked or drank, at least I could tell my parents about it, this I cant. I have to keep this bottled up. I just wanted to know if there was anyways that I could pull out of this depression.

Answer 1

Hey, JC. How does this grab you.... I am a middle school teacher. I relate pretty well to my students, and they reveal some interesting things to me through their journal writing. Here are some things they say... " I have no friends," " I'm so weird" " I get laughed at all the time" " I've never had a girl/boy friend". " I'm fat & ugly" "No one ever calls me at night" "I've never had a text message" " I look at porn because I'm so frustrated" " Why am I so attracted to porn??" " God, what will I do if my parents find my porn magazines?"" ' I'm such a dog, no guy will ever like me" .... and it goes on and on and on. Now, when they are just a few years older, they come back to see me. This is what I hear... " Guess who I am going out with??" " You won't believe it, but I'm on the basketball team!! Well, it's the B team... but still, I'm on a team!!? " Thanks, Miss, for always believing in me. I've been accepted into a university." What I am saying to you, is this. Quit beating yourself up !!! So you are looking at some porn.... believe me, your ears won't fall off. You are just like thousands of other guys your age who are curious right now. It's so normal !!!And JC... trust me on this... you may not know it, but there is a girl right now... RIGHT NOW!!.. who turns and looks twice when you pass in the hall. You, of course, don't know that she exists. She would just die if you knew, but she thinks you are so hot !!! If you could see her room at night, your name is written everywhere. I'm not kidding or trying to make you feel good!!!She may not be be one of the " in crowd girls".... but still, I guarantee, if you give some other girls a chance and just be your cool self... you just might be surprised. Now, quit putting yourself down. You are one cool dude !! Trust me , I know young teens. You are so okay !!!! JC, you are so very, very normal. Now, print this and read it at least twice a day. Love you!!

Answer 2

Going by what you've said, it sounds like you've been labelled by other people as being wierd and perhaps internalized that perception into what is socially deemed wierd. I'm not underminding the inappropriateness of your actions but you've turned to them for certain reasons. I think that the guilt you are feeling is a valid reaction to your actions but that doesn't mean it should end there. Your conscience has spoken and it probably means more than looking at underaged girls. I don't know how old you are but I think that coming to terms with your experiences in the past that have influenced how you see yourself should be a starting point.

Knowing that you were not popular in junior high school is a start, but why was that? Why do you think that was and was value do you place on that understanding now? You say that you had one good friend. Nothing is wrong with that. Did you want more? Or have you adopted the social definition of 'popular' as having many friends? The girls that never liked you and thought you were wierd stands out. You woudn't have mentioned it if it didn't matter to you. Based on your narrative, it sounds as if you've internalized your past experiences and become them. Either way, the first step is to externalize them and start talking about how you were percieved and how you percieve your past. It's not about validation but honesty and discussing as many perspectives of what you know about yourself and your experiences as possible.

This is more than looking at porn...it's about what has lead you to this point in your life. You're a human being and you are reacting to your experiences. I think that when society is able to balance their need to keep their children safe, with the well being of people who go through things like this, the better off we all are.

Answer 3

The first thing you are courageous for recogonizing what you have done is wrong. I recommend going to someone such as a counsoler (not a school). They can point you in the right direction so that you will not develop a worse problem in your adolence or adult years. We all have addictions and problems that we deal with so you are normal. Just because you are at a difficult age. Junior high is no fun. A lot can happen in the next few years. You will go tall, your voice will change, you will grow hair, you will gain muscles, etc. Be glad that you have a good friend. You will find a girl in due time. Good Luck. Be proud of yourself for knowing that it was wrong and you can pull out of this. Keep strong and be patient with yourself.

Answer 4

If you're in Jr.High, girls your age ARE "underage" to be in file sharing programs so don't go there but, at your age, looking at porn is normal so just find yourself some mens magazines & look at LEGAL aged women. Also, Jr.High girls are still a little young to take an interest or show interest in guys for anything more than friends & sometimes they even act as if they don't like you when they really do! It's just a weird "girl thing" like it's a weird "boy thing" in elementary school when boys hit girls, knock their books out of their hands & throw disgusting things on them because they LIKE them! (it seems to be the only way they know to get the girls attention). Stop beating yourself up, you've figured out it's wrong to look at underage girls in a sexual way so you're not a potential pedifile & the girls will like you later, when they're on the same wave length as you. Right now, you're thinking of porn/sex & they aren't so be a gentleman & hero around them, thoughtful, helpful, generous, humorous, but keep it non sexual around the girls & keep the porn in the privacy of your own room.

Answer 5

If all you've done is LOOK you don't need to feel guilty. If you have DONE anything to anyone you need to see a counselor or call your local helpline. (You can withhold your number if you're worried about being traced).
If you've only looked, the person you've hurt is yourself. Don't do it any more and you'll recover in time. Junior high is pretty young anyway, there's plenty of time for having good relationships with girls. Don't feel like a failure if girls don't like you now, they will in time. Plenty of us had that feeling at high-school and we turned out very popular later!!
If people at junior high think you're weird, it probably just means you are more of an individual than the usual boys. (That's a GOOD thing)

Answer 6

well you are off to a good start the first step in dealing with a problem is to figure out what it is the second step is to fiure out mulitple solutions now possibly you might need to start thinking straight now that you know what you have done was wrong figure out something you can do right maybe volenteering that can definately sooth the concience a little now to deal with the popluarity 1st don't let it get to you I know I might just sound like a hypocrit but it is true if you want to gain more friends I highly suggest extracirrecular activities you never know who you can meet there and once you find your extracirrecular calling the people there WILL except some cliquier ones might try to scare you out first but that just means you CAN'T give in once you find something you really love stick to it and eventually you will be part of the group activities I reccomend are anything in the drama club and then depending on your feelings twards them sports, team sports mean that everyone must become workable with one another but whatever you do just do it and don't listen to what other people have to say keep strong and have confidence in yourself

another thing you need to do is forgive yourself that is the only way you can move on

because I sensed some desperation in your text 1-800-273-TALK (8255) that is the # to the suicide prevention line you might not need it but if you ever do call it that is what it is there for

Answer 7

At least you feel guilty about it and don't do it anymore. A lot of people live with not being liked by anyone during school, but it's not an excuse to do bad things in the future, just like having a bad childhood isn't an excuse for committing a crime. But it's done and over with, so just move on. All things heal with time.

Answer 8

The key to forgiveness, for me, is fixing the problem as best you can. Period.
You fixed it? Good, let it go.
Remember the guilt, so that you never get back into it.
And let it go.
The purpose of the guilt is over. You're done with it. Push past it. You can do this.
Rememer, fix it, then forget it!
And yeah, I agree, you should get the right kind of help. But I did when I was young, for general anxiety, and I got some crap about working out the chores around the house. Be careful what help you get. Advocate for yourself.

Answer 9

Good for you. You made a mistake. You knew that this was bad. You did all that you could, alone. Get some help by talking about your guilt. The past is gone. Each day is brand new. It will get better as you learn who you are and what you are meant to do. Everyone has done something they wish they hadn't. Sometimes, its the way
they learned their most valuable lesson. I wish you well.

Answer 10

The thing is this world is not our home, it is called maya (illusion) and is temporary and full of misery. We are not these bodies, race, color, gender, nationality, religion, mind, intellect, job, senses, ect. We are eternal spirit souls, part and parcel of the Supreme Soul, also known as Krishna,Allah, Vishnu, Jehovah, etc. We have to purify our existence and come to our constitutional position. We can overcome all addictions and misery by chanting the Maha Mantra, (the great mantra for deliverance from suffering and illusion) go to harekrishnatemple. for details Read Bhagavad Gita As it is By Bhaktivedanta Prabhupada Which gives one the meaning of life and our purpose. This will change your life and you will become free from lust and guilt if you do the process.