My wife wants me to leave work at 5pm (not any later)?

Question

I work as a Division Manager of a well know and large corporation with 12 people in my direct group. My wife is absolutely opposed that I work past 5pm. Everyone one else in my group works until between 5pm - 6pm). How can I expect to show an example to my group when my wife is insisting that I do NOT work past 5pm. She also says she wants me to leave on time (at 5pm) every time, consistently. I proposed a "window" of 5-5:30 and she angrily insists that it be exactly 5pm every day...Is it too unreasonable to expect that I can have a range of 30min or is she right that "...the rest of the working World leave work on time..." What should I do?

Answer 1

It's critical that when you're at work between 5 and 6 it's because you are doing work that has to be done to keep things on task in the short term. If you are consistantly working on things "just to keep up" or "just to set an example" then you are doing it for the wrong reasons.

Bottom line, you are giving time to your employer. I doubt your employer would be happy if you consistantly walked out the door at 4:00 pm....so why should they expect you to work extra on a daily basis. Certainly there are times when working extra is a job requirement but that should not be the norm.

As for showing/being an example to your group, I would think that showing them that your home and personal life is just as important as your work life is an excellent example! Going home on a timely basis AND working late into the night on occassion shows them a lot more than leaving consistantly at 6:00 pm. It shows them that there are priorities and sometimes the work is the priority and sometimes it's not.

As for your wife expecting it on a daily basis? Well she's wrong too...She's not showing you or your work the proper respect. Certainly she's got a valid point about not giving away your time but to make it a mandate and not have any allowances is unreasonable and defeats her purpose.

You are correct in negotiating with her, but I would say to her that leaving at 5:00 on a daily basis is simply not possible. However, you recognize that your home is important too...as such you will be leaving at 5:00 on those days where you can and staying later ONLY on those days that require it. Additionally, you will track those days and if it's required too often you will push to get additional support for your work crew so that you can offload some work.

to me that's fair.

Answer 2

You have a couple of things going on here. First, you are a married man and your responsibility is to your wife and family and that has to be put in perspective with the job you have since it is major in that, you are providing welfare for your family. I believe your wife is being somewhat unreasonable. I ask you: Is this a 'job' or your 'career'? A career means that you have worked hard to put in time and effort and energy to make certain accomplishments for which you and your wife should be proud. (The two become one). Sometimes, if a 'job' is in so much conflict that a family is in array, then one might consider another position. I don't suggest this, esepcially, if you 1) like your job 2) enjoy your position as a leader 3) make significant salary. Notice, I did not put making the money first. I believe that you should really enjoy where you work and if the conditions are fair and equitable - you should stay. If I were you - I'd take my wife out to a nice dinner. Buy her something really nice and special (a bracelet or necklace) something to show that you appreciate her. (this might be the real reason she doesn't want you working late) I would have a very nice heart-to-heart talk with her. If she does not have a job or career or family or something else that consumes her time - you are probably getting this fallout from that. Encourage her to look for something she can bite her teeth into - return to school, volunteer - something that would occupy her time. Explain to her that you like where you work and that you are in a leadership position and do not like feeling that your workers are providing more time than you - and you are the manager. She should understand that. Let her know that you don't want her to be angry, but to be supportive. Then you need to check yourself and see if you are being supportive of her and her needs. It's a two-way street. More than likely - she is feeling left out, perhaps envious. It is up to you - the man who loves her to comfort her and reassure her - BUT you still need to stand your ground in a firm, but loving way. This business of 30 minutes to an hour sounds very petty to me. Ask yourself if you are subconciously doing or saying things that might be helping her to be so angry and unreasonable. I wish you well. Communiation is always the answer to any problem. You must talk it through. Best wishes.

Answer 3

Get to work at 7:00 AM (or better yet, 6:00 AM). You will gain the respect of all your coworkers, because you're alert and churning out the emails and voice mails while they're still hitting Snooze.

I did this exact thing at my work, because I wanted to be able to leave work a little earlier in the day. What happens is, since you are at the office before anyone else, they all totally respect you when you walk out at 5pm (or 4pm! or 3pm!) every day.

I know, I know: you're a manager, so you need to overlap with everyone else's schedule. You will. You'll all be there between 9:00 and 3:00 (or so), which is plenty of time for meetings.

Answer 4

You sound like you have a very successful job, and those hours are very reasonable. Let your wife know that you don't work according to hours, but you work according to task, and you leave when your task is done (after all, you sound like you are probably on salary, not hourly). If you want to continue being successful and maybe get promoted in the future, you have to continue working this way. If you duck out when the people below you stick around, you are setting a bad example, and they might reconsider you as being the person for the job you have now.

Answer 5

I worked until 7:00 or 8:00 every day for 20 years. If the corporate standard at the company you work for is between 5 and 6:00 the you should stay or start looking around. Does your wife work? if so she should understand the pressure to "go along". If she does not work, she should appreciate the fact that you are willing to do what is necessary...

Answer 6

She is being unreasonable. She should be grateful that you are free to come home every night at a somewhat consistent time.

She needs to understand that if you remain a Manager, you bear ultimate responsibility for making sure that projects meet deadlines which may require overtime and inconsistency. I imagine that it rests in an insecurity (she thinks you're cheating or prone to) or an inflexibility (she wants a rigid schedule to know when to have dinner, etc). If after you discuss it with her she remains resolute, I suggest counseling with an impartial third party, though not necessarily a marriage counselor per se, to help you both communicate and understand the consequences of your decisions.

As for myself, the window you propose seems logical. Be grateful you have that consistency instead of what I do: 11-18 hour shifts variable.

Answer 7

Man, you have to tell her what's up.

The only thing in the real world that runs on strict time schedules are deadlines, and we have to work around those. If you're a manager, you're supposed to be setting an example to not just your workers, but your bosses as well. If my boss left before me every day, I wouldn't respect him much and my work ethic would probably decline because of it.

Your wife needs to realize that work is important and this isn't just some job, but it's the career that pays both of your bills and jmakes it so you can live the life that you do.

Answer 8

Before you really address this issue with your wife, I recommend reading the book Difficult Conversations. If possible, ask her to read it, too, but it isn't necessary. It's totally readable (an easy read), and gives some amazing and practical tips for having conversations that are or could be tense.

Often, both folks think they know what's up with the other person, and they often don't. This book shows how to figure it out. It's TRULY amazing.

Answer 9

Her demand is unreasonable and controlling unless she has a schedule she must adhere to which is non-negotiable such as a job or daily obligation outside of the home. Otherwise, she must realize that the rest of the world doesn't leave work at 5:00, especially if you're a manager. If you choose to leave before your subordinates, plan on being one yourself. Geeze, we all want to work in her world if she's right:)

Answer 10

In order to keep harmony in the home I would let my wife make the choice -- but here are her choices:

1) You work during the hours required for your position.

2) You request a demotion for family reasons along with a corresponding cut in pay (assuming of course that a demotion will give you more latitude on your hours).

Which one do you think your wife will pick?