couples that live together,can you please give me your opinion on this?

Question

i live with my bf of 4yrs in a condo we rent. we split the household bills 50/50 and anytime we go out movies,diner ect we take turns paying.i work full time and so does he but i only work 4 days a week to his 5 days.the problem is he feels i should do the cleaning,grocery shopping,pay the bills,errands all on my day off.i don't feel this is fair since we split everything else we should split the house work.he always makes me feel guilty/lazy when i ask him to help with stuff and says things like why don't u do that on your day off.don't get me wrong he does help but not on a regular basis.i do all the laundry,bill paying,80% grocery shopping,cooking,and cleaning.most of the time when i ask him to do something he agrees but never gets around to do it,then after a few days of me nagging we get into a fight over it and he does it pissed off.or i just do it.so can anyone tell me what they do if they both work and each pay half of the bills?is this always the womens job even if she works?

Answer 1

If the two of you cannot sit down and work out a division of labor that works for both of you, as Dr. Phil often says, that sounds like a deal breaker to me, and your relationship is probably doomed unless you are willing to stay in it forever even though you are unhappy. Sorry and good luck.

Answer 2

NO!!!! My boyfriend actually does most the cleaning (he's a neat freak, I'm not!) So when he wants help I help him, however he NEVER does the dishes, but I'm okay with that because I don't have to clean the toilets and bathtub, so you should bring up the point that you split all the bills 50/50 why shouldn't housework be the same, if he thinks it should only be your job, tell him "fine, I'll MAKE THAT my full time job" and see how he reacts!!! And you should really talk to him about the whole 50/50 especially if you don't make as much as he does. Me and my boyfriend have been living together now 4 years, (together 8)and I can honestly say that if I didn't put my foot down about the bills, we would not be where we are today, because it's only fair that you pay the percentage that you each can afford!!!!

Answer 3

To answer your question I've lived with my girlfriend for a few months now. Even though both of you work long hours both should still split your lives half and half. I am in the Army stationed over seas and my girlfriend is german, I am up and out of bed about 4 in the morning and back home around 6 in the after noon every day.When I come home I cook,clean,and do the shoping all the time, I have no problem with that.You just have to sit down and talk..

Answer 4

Oh my goodness...you just (almost) told my life as it is...I am in your shoes, but my fiance only works PART TIME five days a week and I still do basically EVERYTHING. We do split the bills, but other than that, he's a lazy MF. I love him though, just like I know you love your bf. From talking to older women at work, it seems to be that women "run" the household, but I'm not sure I can accept life this way and I think you are in the same position. I know for a FACT that not ALL men are like that...my Dad helps my Mom out with EVERYTHING...cooking, dishes, laundry, etc. and he does a GOOD job, not a half-a$$ed job. Dad told me that Mom "trained" him to be like that, but I know that wouldn't work with my fiance. I have been looking at places to set up a "couples counseling" session(s) so that someone OUT of our circle of people can hear the situation and give their opion and suggestions for how our lives can improve. Maybe that is something that you two can try too??? Good luck and let me know how it goes!!!

Answer 5

I think most men feel this way. My husband is one of the sweetest, most loving men you'll ever come across, and yet, he still has this idea deeply rooted in the back of his head. We have had a lot of fights about it in the past. In my case, I came to a point where I realized that I would be willing to do these things to avoid the fights and make our relationship work. The only question to ask yourself: Would he be willing to make a sacrifice for you when it comes his turn? For instance, when our child was born, my husband was very supportive of me when I wanted to be a stay at home mom, even though it was financially stressful. He even offered to sell his beloved car. Also, if it were you who worked the 5 days a week to his 4, would you be tempted to rationalize and say that he worked 8 hours a week less than you, and therefore, had more time to run errands?

Answer 6

Wow. This guy sounds like he's using you. Hire a maid and split the cost 50/50. And STOP doing his laundry. Just because you work one day a week less doesn't make you his slave. If you do all the chores, then you need to split the bills 35/65 -- with him paying the larger portion. Don't let him make you feel guilty/lazy anymore. What a jerk!

Answer 7

The men all want the traditional 'wife' who works in the home and does everything, except that when she is also a money-earner he still wants the house and all the other traditional jobs to be done by her.

Definaitley a grrrrrrr situation.

Offer this solution: "I will do 100% of the house, grocery, cooking, laundry, and other tasks/errands if you will work doubly hard at your job and bring home all the money that we need. Of course, I will be giving up my job!"

Or this: Write lists of it all and get the jobs divided according to a fair and even plan. Do this together and sign it.

Then if 'his' stuff is not done, SAY NOTHING. NOThing at all. Let his stuff get piling up and DO NOTHING about it. Neither nag, nor gripe, nor notice it.

It will eventually come to him that 'his side of the street' is getting slummier and slummier and yours is fine. Dunno if this would work. I am a stay at home mother and do not have an income. My husband and I live on his income. Not luxurious I assure you, but adequate. <><

Answer 8

Are you serious about this relationship? Before we were married, my then girlfriend and I lived together for four years. Our attitude was completely different. We opened a joint checking account and put our money in it. We both pitched in with whatever needed to be done around the house. We helped each other. We never kept track of who paid for what or who did what jobs. Our goal was not to have a 50/50 split on things, but to make each other happy. It worked really well and is still working after 19 years of marriage.

Answer 9

I always hoped that this old "standard" would drop off the face of the earth... but unfortunately I think it's going to take a few more generations. No, there's no reason why you should have to do it all and there's no reason you should be made to feel guilty or lazy over it. Ask him if he had a male room-mate, would he still expect to have all this done for him? There is no logical reason for this attitude, it's just a carry over from your great-grandparents era... tell him to get with the 70's... lol I should comment that if you really LIKED doing those things, there's nothing wrong with it, but he should definitely do his share. Here's a tip: stop calling it "helping" because that implies it's your job... start using "share the responsibility of..." when you discuss housework or other tasks he needs to get involved in.

Answer 10

I work 7 days a week full time 5 and part time the other 2 days. MY WIFE WORKS 3-4 DAYS A WEEK. We split everything 50-50 .
yes some days she does more driving but some days i
get home to just in time to take a shower and go to bed. It's not what you do but what you make of it.

Answer 11

I think compromise is probably the best option. As a newly married woman, I'm kind of figuring all this out too... It seems only fair and appropriate that each person pick up after themselves. If you are paying half and half, split things up 50/50 too. Maybe create a list of chores and each person sign up for half. Take turns making dinner, or make it together. I think that setting up expectations for each person to do their share is really the best option when living with anyone, roommate, boyfriend, spouse, parents. Plus, when you are happy, not nagging or upset, you will feel more inclined to do things for each other, out of the goodness of your heart.