We have been married for almost 4 years. I caught him looking at naked pictures of women when we were dating and then again after we were recently married and again TODAY I found a bunch of files of naked women. He knows how I feel about this. What do I do? I don't want to be with someone who does something that I feel is a deal breaker for me. I know some people are ok with that but he knows how I feel about it and it's always the same excuse. I feel like I will never be able to trust him. HELP! We also have a child as well.
2007-01-12 06:49:51 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
P.s. for the guy how told me to "work out" I work for tradeshows as a model so that is not the problem. Smarta@@! For me it's about trust. He broke the trust I gave him. We all have our things that are not going to fly...this happens to be mine. So if I know it's just the way he is do I just get out while I am still in my late 20's before I have another kid and get locked in for life?
2007-01-12 07:05:24 · update #1
We have taken some very sexy photos and I am not a prude in any way. If anything this turns me off so much he is going to NEED the porn. He does have a lot of great qualities but I feel like if I can't trust him the other things just wash away.
2007-01-12 07:14:23 · update #2
I may look at men but I don't go searching for naked men so I can masturbate to them!! There is a difference. I just want him to respect how I feel about it. It just hurts my feelings when he knows what a horrible effect it had on our relationship in the past. It's like he just doesn't care....yes I know guys are visual but if I was doing something that I knew would hurt my husband I wouldn't do it because I care about his feelings. Even if to the rest of the world it seems like something that isn't that big of a deal....his whole family was brought up to think porn is great....nothing wrong with it.....his parents had porn playing in the other room when he was young.....I am going to tell him to get counseling.
2007-01-12 07:31:50 · update #3
I don't have the answer, sorry. I would say no, no divorce. I'm in a similar situation. I've found, over the past year, several porno cd's hidden in various places by my husband. Most recently in the front room (not hidden) in the CD holder by the tv. That's where he goes each evening, I thought to watch football. I'm sick about this as you probably are too. It has completely turned me off from any sexual desire for him. I just can't get past the thought that when he is making "LOVE" to me he is thinking of those CD's. I too, don't understand their fascination with this crap. Divorce, I don't think that's the answer - he must have other redemming qualities or you wouldn't have married him.
I do think it is disrespectful to us, big time! I've been married 30 years and just in the past year has this been happening. I'm not a bad looking older women. I weight 149, 5'10" previous model. Men are just plan perverts what can I say!
Good luck! My husband says, as AL BUNDY, says, "IT'S A MAN'S GOD GIVEN RIGHT TO SMUT"! I don't think the bible says that!
Sorry for your pain, been there, still living it.
wnn_vrt
2007-01-12 07:03:52 · answer #1 · answered by wnn_vrt 1 · 0⤊ 2⤋
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2016-07-26 08:40:04 · answer #2 · answered by Caryn 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I love some of your answers, hon, and some of these people are sooooo uninformed.
Computer porn is an addiction, along with nicotine, alcohol, sex, gambling. But any therapist worth his/her salt will tell you that this one is about not treatable... AA has better luck with alcohol. The problem with addicts is that they are already in a relationship, it just isn't with you!!!(remember that!) Addicts of any sort just aren't emotionally available...(remember that as well!) .......they will go from relationship to relationship, and when it is more or less pretty solid, up comes the porn again....... they would anytime prefer to be in Fantasy land with some air-brushed 13 year old, than sex with a real lady--- been there, hon, and left.
I can't tell you what to do, and neither can anyone else. If your wish is to be is a loving, kind relationship of respect, admiration passion and trust, lovies, kindness toward each other, time with friends, travel, how to spend time and extra money for fun, you won't get that from an addict --- any addict, and computer addiction just grows..... So, you have to decide if this is the way, and this is the guy you wish to spend your time and your life with..and it is no easy decision..... Addicts tend to pile on other addictions... by the time I bailed, his depression was awful, his addiction to prescrip. drugs, alcoholism and computer pron took up most of his non-working time. When another lady crowded our marriage, that put me at number 6, (on the second hand and counting... was somewhere down with the goldfish in his priorities, and I'm a pretty (very pretty!!!!) lady, and a willing partner!!!!). It's a hard thing to internalize, and accept, because it isn't your fault, so you really can't even fix it.... All the best hon... write if you have questions.
2007-01-12 09:11:20 · answer #3 · answered by April 6 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I don't think you should divorce him because that's kind of extreme for looking at porn. Do you ever look through a magazine and think about how good looking a guy is or see a handsome guy in the street and think to yourself that he is a 'hunk'? I know it's not exactly apples to apples, but both cases are cases of looking and not touching so they are closer than you think.
If you feel you have adequately expressed you absolute hatred for porn then walk out and stay at a friends house for a night or two. Scare him into thinking you are leaving and that should wake him up. If not then he may have a real porn addiction and may actually need couselling.
Maybe give him the option of taking sexy pictures of you and maybe if you are really brave try video taping the two of you. Combine your marriage to his porn in a sense.
2007-01-12 07:09:00 · answer #4 · answered by Cyber Stalker 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
You say he knows how you feel about it. OK...great but how he feels about it doesn't seem to matter. He isn't putting the porn in your child's face, he saved it in files. Your husband could be doing so many more things that are much worse. Unless the porn is of children, then I wouldn't think twice. Let the man have his porn it really isn't hurting anyone is it. Why would you want to control what he looks at anyway. If you are thinking of divorcing your husband of 4 years, whom you have a child with over something as small as this then you need to rethink. I understand the porn is a deal breaker for you, but there are no deals in marriage, unless someone is getting hurt in anyway or your child is being abused and he isn't a sick pedophile then you need to work it out. Would you rather him be cheating on you with hookers, have a mistress he keeps, be a raging alcoholic or crackhead who beats you and your kid and keeps you living in poverty!! You have a choice, and this is small change compared to the above mentioned.
2007-01-12 07:06:43 · answer #5 · answered by Premo Mom 5 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I agree with you wholeheartedly! For all of those people telling you this is JUST porn or to just be thankful he is not with an actual naked women, they are so wrong. Thanks to the internet and porn sites, many people's views of what is wrong and right in a relationship are severly warped. If this bothers you, then your husband needs to stop. He should respect you and your wishes. If he has to have some visual aide to get turned on, that's his problem not yours. If my hubby had to look at other naked women to rev up his sex life/libido, then he certainly wouldn't need me. If your husband can't leave this alone, he may have an addiction. If you can't trust him and have trust in your marriage, you are better off alone. If he breaks the trust on this one issue, who's to say he won't do something worse down the line?
2007-01-12 07:35:34 · answer #6 · answered by bamagirl 2 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You have spoken of respect, feelings, and trust. I think you need to step back and look at those things.
People can agree to disagree and keep the respect for each other.
If your husband would watch it in front of you then that is not showing respect towards you.
You trying to restrict what he is allowed to see is not showing respect towards him.
Feelings are great indicators on how you feel, but not the truth. Just because you feel something is bad does not make it so.
Has he done anything to directly hurt you?
His watching porn doesn't hurt you.
Its your knowing he watches porn that upsets you.
Does he watch porn with the children?
If that was the case I would have issues with it.
So long as it is seen in a responsible way there should be no issue if you have children or not.
If you are willing to tell your children that you divorced their father not because he hit you or beat you or was always mean to you, but because he looked at pictures of people having sex is okay with you - GO FOR IT.
Personally I think people have things backwards. Violence which I hope my children never experience in their lives is shown on TV hourly, but sex which is something I hope my children experience in their lives is taboo.
2007-01-12 07:59:54 · answer #7 · answered by snack_daddy10 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why do you want to stop? Do you feel like you do it too often? I love porn, but I only look at it maybe once every couple of weeks. I don't think there's anything wrong with it.
2016-03-14 04:58:03 · answer #8 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
No, this is hardly a matter to bring up for divorce. First of all, you need to communicate with him, ask him what he likes about those women that makes him so interested. Secondly, find out if he's having a problem with his attraction towards you. If all else fails, just go through and DELETE each and every file he has!!!
2007-01-12 06:56:05 · answer #9 · answered by Blessed 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
This NEEDS to get resolved for the sake of your marriage and child, but there MUST be a way you can BOTH be happy, no? Porn isn't SO BAD - he could be doing MUCH WORSE. Maybe it's a siesta from reality for him. I can't tell you WHY he watches porn, but I CAN tell you (in MY opinion) it's not worth DIVORCING.
2007-01-12 06:56:56 · answer #10 · answered by BiffJohnson 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋