How can you change/ or how can an abusive person change? Where can I find counseling & what type am I looking?

Question

My Boyfriend is abusive to me he has ahistory of unemployment, he is controlling, he beats me physically & emotionally. he makes me feel bad about myself, he has forced sex on me, he as been charged with rape before but was found not guilty. He is so agressive yet he claims he loves me, he has days where he is just flat out mean & rude anything triggers him if I dont move fast enough he will bend my fingers. he never gotten me any gifts he has a lot of negative comments ( then he says he is just joking) about me...last night I got it really bad over nothing in my opinion, he overreacted as usual, noe he says we can go to counceling he wants to work it out. What type of counseling does he need? How can he change? he says he feels bad about beating me because it was not right. How can a person change how can I help him become a better person?

Answer 1

Dear take my advice from Experience ,Please get out.You need to pack everything up while he is gone to work and move out,Don't tell him your new Address and don't answer your cell phone when he calls Go to the police and get a re staining order.He is not going to change in to a Great man with Counseling Trust me,It's a plea for you to stay and have you under his watch.If he is not working then Do it while he is asleep or when he leaves the house to go some where.Please get out and find you someone who will take you for who you are and treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

Answer 2

There are so many problems here, but I will boil it down to the basics.

You are in what is called a co-dependent relationship. Meaning: you both depend on each other for basic emotional survival and you will continue to tollerate the abuse as long as a) you don't feel you can do better and b) the relationship meets your needs some of the time.

Is change possible? Of course. Is it likely? No.

Why? I recieved excellent advice from an ex-girlfriend's sister in college. "It takes two whole people to come together and create a whole couple. Two half people will, at best, create half a couple." No relationship is without it's struggles, but abuse comes from low self-esteem and two people used to that pattern will continue that pattern. To become whole, you have to be able to stand on your own. When you can stand on your own, you will not be attracted to those who bring you down.

My advice is this: walk away. This sounds easy to say and you and I both know it will not be easy. At the least, you will have to deal with surviving on your own - emotionally, physically and financially. At the most, you may have to overcome threats of violence to break away. As a child, I remember my mother finally saying to my father's threats at the point of a gun - 'go ahead, I'm so tired of your threats, I'd rather be dead.' My father is still the same master manipulator today. My mother is doing well and sometimes still struggles with self-esteem and how to function in a healthy marriage. That is a struggle only you can decide to risk and manage - hopefully with support from friends/family - or alone if necessary.

As for me, I too was becoming what I hated in my father - violent - punching walls, throwing and destroying things. How did I become the person I am - father of a soon-to-be 5 children and celebrating 11 years of marriage? I stopped focusing on what I didn't want to be - which always led to more frustration and anger. Instead, I began to fill my head and heart with what I did want to become. To do that I had to move away and be alone. It took time, but I changed not only my life, but many in my family.

I hope this isn't too much, but you are in a mess and deserve more than a flippant anticdote.

Best wishes.

Answer 3

Its easy for someone to tell you leave him, but i understand you love him and you feel you can help him - BUT IT IS NOT YOUR JOB

You can love and support him, but you CAN'T change him, he has to want to do it himself, don't do all the footwork in finding where to go or tell him what to do because although you think your helping your doing the footwork he needs to be doing if he is serious about getting help.

When people are abusive there is so many psychological issues and that are not going to be able to figure out or help him on your own, these changes do not happen over night, it would be helpful for you to get some counseling too so you can understand better ways to communicate with him

But bottom line you need to realize you can only love a person so much but you love them homing they will change. Your love should motivate him to want to be a better person - find your self worth because NO ONE belongs in a relationship like that - you also need to think of the long term if you had kids with him what kind of life would they have

No matter what you are the only one that knows your limits of when you have had enough and want to move on you will, In the mean time all you can do if try to give him the support he needs, but make sure you protect yourself in the process.

Good Luck
D

Answer 4

First of all, you should call the police next time he decides to use you as a punching bag, no man has the right to put his hands on a women, it doesn't matter what you do. No counseling is going to help this guy and he will probably never change, if he was going to change he would of done it long before. You need the help, really, you need to get yourself out before he puts you 6 feet under the ground, and then you won't be around to enjoy life. He's not sorry for beating you, because if he was he wouldn't do it! Get out, get help and stop trying to make him the better person.

Answer 5

Anger Management sounds like an option for him, among other things. You yourself need counseling to find out why you are so insecure that you stay in abusive relationship. You can not force a person to change. But you yourself can change if you do not like the situation you are in. Get some counseling for yourself before it's too late. When it comes to violence men get progressively worse over time, not better. Help yourself first, then work on getting him some help.

Answer 6

What you need to do to help him change is to quit tolerating his current behavior. Think of it like this: what good things happen to him when he acts the way he ought to, and what bad things happen to him when he acts abusive? If the same things happen either way, i.e., you wait on him, you love him, you take care of him, etc., then there is no reason for him to change! Even worse, if you act BETTER to him when he is being abusive, it's like rewarding him for being a jerk! Why should he change? He's got everything he wants and he can be a d*ck about things at the same time. So first of all, get YOURSELF into counseling to figure out why you think so lowly of yourself that you keep tolerating this behavior and rewarding it. Once you've got that figured out, you can find the strength to set some boundaries and limits on what kind of behavior you'll tolerate from him. Once he sees that in order to keep you, he's got to keep control of himself, he'll have a reason to do so, and counseling will teach him how. It won't matter if he knows how, if he has no reason to do so....

Answer 7

Girl, I am sorry for being straight up with you, but are f****** stupid? How can you be with someone who is abusive physically & emotionally? People like this rarely change. My father has been a verbal abuser all his life. He goes to counseling, takes meds, goes to rehab, blah blah blah, and has never changed. He will die being the way he is. If I could, I would dissociate with my father, but he is my father! You on the other hand have the option to chose who you can be with. you can chose wether or not you want to be happy. Obviously, this guy is not right for you. How can you be with someone like that. You can chose your friends and companions, but not your family! Please you have to get out of that relationship. It might hurt, you might think "he is the one", but no, please trust me you an find someone that knows how to treat you right and be happy! You are the stupid one for letting him treat you like that. The guy has criminal records! Come on! He is not going to change, and if he does (which rarely occurs) it will take him a whileeeeee! Why are you going to wait? I am sure you are young and have so much ahead of you. You can choose to be happy nor not, so choose! Happy = leaving him and yes, you will find someone better. Unhappy = staying with him, thinking that someday he will change.
You are the one who is letting him disrespect you in EVERY possible way! Show him that he owes you all the respect in the world that a woman deserves and LEAVE HIM!

Answer 8

I think you should leave your boyfriend forget about couples counseling.I know you love him but no ones worth staying with if their hitting you.You may not think you can do better than him but trust and believe you can.You will need counseling after you leave him to work thru this.Just remember your abusing yourself buy staying with him.Nobodys going to feel sorry if you stay in this relationship and you continue to get abused.I promise theres someone out there that will treat you the way your supposed to be treated.I know your scared to be alone but i think you need this time to think about what kinds of things that make you happy
and do those things.Your going to be o.k, but only if you make good decisions for yourself

Answer 9

You need to talk to someone who specializes in abusive relationships because you need to break up with him, but as you may know, it can be dangerous to break up with an abusive boyfriend or husband.

He is not going to change. There is no excuse for his sick behavior. He does not love you. He wants you around so he'll have a handy punching bag and as someone he can feel powerful over. He's a mental case loser, and you need to talk to someone who deals with battered girls/women about your situation.

He is a narcissistic bully who cannot or will not control himself. He will not change; but even if he got himself into serious counseling and may possibly not be abusive to another girl/woman, he is not going to change with you.

When someone loves you they do not hurt you, could not hurt you, and would do anything in the world to try to stop anyone else from hurting you. Its that simple. Seek help for yourself before he kills you.

You probably think I don't understand, and I'm thinking your situation is worse than it really it. Trust me. Your situation is every bit as bad as I'm saying it is.

Answer 10

First of all, if he's hitting you then you need to report it, especially if he's forcing sex on you. Thats rape and battery and you are stupid if you are letting him do that to you. Counseling probably won't help if he has a history of this already. Get over him and find someone better who'll treat you well. I don't think he's worth the time!